Sometimes I wonder what the worst death is.

The most terrifying is drowning or suffocation.

The most unnecessary is a car crash.

The most heart wrenching is giving up your own.

But the worst…?

The one that no other beats,

The one that kills the person who’s already dead,

The one that is terrifying and unnecessary and heart wrenching

Is dying for nothing.

I don’t want to die like that.

I don’t want to die in a nothing way.

I don’t want to disappear and have a few people cry over me.

I don’t want to be forgotten.

I’ve been drowning in my nothing dreams,

My nothing hopes,

My nothing fears,

My nothing problems,

For so long.

Maybe that’s why I cling to my sickness,

My broken part of my mind.

I hate it,

But hating something is something.

It makes me something.

It makes me more than nothing.

And I’m sick of being nothing.

I’m sick of slipping away.

So I’m going to be something.

Someone.

I might be the girl who hates herself,

The girl who is grey grey grey,

Who burst with red red red and blue and green and purple.

I’m embarrassed to be seen in public with her,

But she’s still someone.

She’s so sure she isn’t enough

That she has something to hang on to,

Something to believe in.

Or I could be the girl who’s second chair viola,

The girl who’s in track,

The girl who always gets A’s,

The girl who tries and tries.

She works so hard to be enough,

And in the end,

She is.

Or I could be the girl who laughs with her friends,

Who doesn’t care what other people think,

Who is friendly and kind to everyone,

Who is helpful and honest,

Who shines with her own radiance,

Who doesn’t need anyone else to tell her she’s enough.

She already knows it.

Or maybe…

I could be all of those.

Maybe it doesn’t matter who I am,

As long as I am someone.

Maybe I really can be whoever I want.

Or maybe I’ll never be enough for myself.

Maybe I’ll always be a nothing girl…