Sadness

I have so much sad in me

Born with sadness in my veins

It’s the only stable thing that goes through me

Flowing back and forth my body

Sadness is always there

Under every happy moment

There is a sadness

One I can not describe

For it is always there

When I get sad it comes in waves

But not small ones

Tsunami waves crashing inside my head

Rocking my brain and spilling out of my eyes

My sadness is like an ocean

Never trying rocking the boat, but being unstable since the beginning

My sadness comes

It does not go

No matter how much I ask, using my best manners my mother taught

It stays, taking a permanent residence in my mind

The days I feel sad I feel it more than anything

Not being able to get up or out anywhere

Because of the storm inside my mind

It manifests in everything

In anger

In joy

In embarrassment

I have to go silent when it happens

Or else my eyes form a storm

That won’t stop raining for anything or anyone

Even the softest smile

Biting my tongue so tears don’t spill when I talk

And talking about it doesn’t help

Telling people the small colors of a wide ocean

One that keeps on wanting, and taking, and growing

The one night they said I said something mean

Something I would never say

Because I care too much for my own good, and for theirs

I threw a rock for an hour

In between my hands, at first in anger, then in sadness

Feeling like I could repress it, to stop the crying

To stop the weight on my shoulders that just keeps growing

Throwing it in my hands to try to make a pain

One that will take away my feelings

Even thought I was told I look menacing

I wasn’t speaking to anyone

To stop the tears

I pushed them away

In fear of crying

Looking weak in front of people I have a hard time talking to because of anxiety

I thought they hated me

I gripped the rock hard that I had dents in my hands

I would throw the rock, trying to throw my emotions alongside

But the longer I repress them the longer I cry

The more my emotions grow

I cried into her for a long time

Worried to much about what other people thought

When they were wondering if I was okay

I cried because I pushed her away

I cried because I was born to

Because my body had sadness in its blood

Because I feel things more than others

Things I can not express