TW: birth, labor, infant death mentioned

Will I be a good mother?

I’ll be a good mother, right?

Will I even know how to be a mother?

What if I don’t know how to mother?

What if I look at him and don’t cry?

Does that make me a bad mom if

I don’t cry at his birth?

I don’t cry often.

I hope I cry when I see him.

But knowing myself I won’t.

And maybe no one else will judge me

for not

crying

But

I’ll judge myself.

It’s my nature.

It’s what I do.

I can’t help it because

I am

My own worst

Enemy.

When will it happen?

Surely any moment…and yet he feels so snug in there.

Will I have a sudden burst of love as soon as I see him?

I’ve read it can be delayed

and that magical

moment of instant love

isn’t instantaneous.

How long will labor be?

A friend of mine had 47 hours before their baby came. Could I even last that long? I think I could but I don’t know because

I have never been in labor before.

Will labor hurt or will I have the fabled “orgasmic” birth?

How can something like giving birth,

Something that happens every day,

have such drastic spectrums of pain or pleasure?

I have tattoos and have tattoos on my ribs and feet…they hurt a lot to get but

in certain ways, I liked that pain.

Will it feel like that? Worse? Will I ever want

to be pregnant again?

What if I die giving birth? Will he be ok? Will I be able to watch over him if there is a Heaven? What if he dies at birth? How could I survive that? Mom did before sissy and I were

born.

But she’s stronger than me. I couldn’t survive it

After waiting for this gift this long.

Impossible to live past that.

I would hope to die in that moment too.

But he’ll be okay. He’ll have to be. I hope. That’s all

I have.

Hope.

I can’t

Let myself

Go down that of spiral thoughts

As I wait

For labor to begin.

Will my son love me

While I don’t even really

Love myself?

What if he grows to hate me?

What if he grows up and kills me someday?

I read about it all the time in the news of a son

Killing

Their

Mom.

Will that be my headline someday?

I know I’ll love him as soon as I see him

…I think.

Will I give birth vaginally or

Have a c-section?

Which hurts more?

Which one will be scarier?

I feel like a walking contradiction because

I both want this pregnancy to be over and

to go on forever and ever

Because I love being pregnant.

Will I miss being pregnant?

Will I want to get pregnant again right away?

Will I forget what it is like to be pregnant?

Will I forget what it feels like to feel him kicking my stomach?

Will I be a good mom?