My phone keeps dinging. I ignore it for a while, because I know who is texting me: Joe Biden.

I’m not sure how I got on his radar. I guess when he came to Franklin,Pa I caught his eye.

He wants me to assure him I approve of his performance as President. I don’t want to be rude, but I feel like I’m being harassed. Would he be open to suggestions if I was honest with him? Maybe, if his cabinet agreed, which doesn’t seem likely.

He keeps trying to sell me on the infrastructure bill. I texted back that the money he wants to spend seems imaginary. He told me everything in the bill is covered by taxing the rich. Oh, now I feel better. I’m definitely not rich.

He wants me to agree to get vaccinated so I won’t give him Covid. I don’t have Covid, but wasn’t he vaccinated? He doesn’t have to come to my house like he says he wants to do. Social distancing works.

He also keeps asking for $5 here and $5 there to support Democrats. I don’t make political donations, so I tell him sorry, no. I suggest he offers dinners with the President for a fundraiser. Surely there would be a great response. Meeting with the President would be an honor. Except for me because he’s been stalking me. He tracks my iPhone and he’s always peeping in my bank account.