Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable things one can do. To open one’s heart and one’s life to another. To affect them and be affected by them. That’s why when I found someone willing to do this practice with me, I thought I had reached the jackpot. Had found my soul mate. Kind, caring, loving. That’s who I was for them. And who they were for me. That’s why when I learned the truth of our relationship, on the day of our wedding no less, I was completely shattered. A bet. This whole time, these several months of planning, these multiple years of dating, all came down to a petty bet between them and their friends. “I bet you can’t get them to marry you!” “I bet you I can”. That’s it. That’s all it took to change the course of my life and lead me down to a fantasy. And hearing that was all it took to bring it all crashing down. None of it was real. And even if some part of it were, the foundation was fake. A lie. I’ll never recover.
How hard can it actually be? To make new friends. I just have to go up and say hi and tell them my name and the rest will flow. Or at least that’s how the sign up video described it. But to be fair, that flier and website made a lot of promises. And for a program that ensures no pressure and no stress, there certainly was a lot of fanfare and confetti…..maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this wasn’t the chill but exciting thing I was hoping for.
“Hi! You must be Lizzy!”
A shrill voice came from behind me, drowning out my monologue of hesitation and effectively shutting out my chances of escaping before being noticed. “Hiiiii, yeahhh, that’s meee” Wow. If I had a chance of convincing my anxiety that I can make a friend, I’ve certainly lost it now. The plan was to say hi as normally as possible. And I’ve already failed. And I can’t even make up for it by giving my name.
“I’m so glad you made it! We’re so excited to meet you! We were super happy with your sign up and really love to show cool people like you new and interesting things with other cool people!! You see, we’re not just a club for making friends, ya know! We also love making new career opportunities!”
“Oh…okay…I wasn’t really looking for a job—“
“It’s not a job, hun! It’s a way of life really! A chance to become your own boss and start something new! To gain freedom that a regular job can’t provide! It’s incredible and that’s why we’re always recruiting new people to join!”
Ahh. Fuck.
How does one measure strength, when all you have is your soul When muscle and skin fail you, and it is your character that does the heavy lifting
How does one exercise one’s mind, when the imagery of weights and mats bring no comfort
Is the proof of triumph come from the flow of sweat and the tension in veins Pushed to their limits and well beyond, might that encourage growth in the future Or does triumph come from the exhausted breath that escapes one’s lungs and stinging pains in one’s feet
What if strength were measured by tired eyes and drowsy consciousness By wearied hands and slowed speech What does it mean to exercise the mind
Where does strength come from? From our muscles? Or deeper? Can our souls be strong? Can our wills break stones, our determination climb mountains? Can our curiosity run miles and our imagination swim oceans? What does it mean to be strong? And how should we measure it?
