Belonging doesn’t mean whatever this is, This stomach pit of guilt drowning me in sorrow It doesn’t mean bedridden for the inconveniences I cause to others Not when they don’t care.
But what if they will care when they find out? The secret I’ve kept was spilt with the blood from my heart, A deadly betrayal from my own dear friend Who told a secret not hers to tell. And now I’ll pay the price.
To fit in, to belong, it’s all I ask for, Drawing each breath from the replay of it all, Clutching onto them like a cliff edge And the water’s to far down to see if it’s even there. What will I do?
Belonging, as I understood, was to trust and forgive. I got swept up into a heist I opposed And now I cry that they will blame me. For guilt hangs onto my every cell and I know I can never belong where I am not wanted.
The tidal wave crash of reality A dolly zoom in real time Burning sweat of laughing onlookers Stand waving banners inside my head. How did I get here? And why can I not escape? Every bead of sweat, every line on my brow, I drown in my insecurities, The things I had prided myself on all seem so Embarassing, silly, childish. The frozen moment slowly restarts, But my head - my heart - doesn’t follow. For the rest of my forever is spent thinking, Playing the embarrassment on repeat As if someday it will change, But it hasn’t yet And I know it won’t. Maybe next time.
My airpods blur heavy metal, My throat thirsty for caffine, Like a wanderer in the desert, But I’ve found my life source at last.
I stumble into the shop, A tinkering bell my welcomer. My cargos trail as I saunter in, Lost in coffee withdrawal and music.
A slam to my face like a door in a fight, Textbooks flying like cartoon stars. Apologising, I lift them and ignore Our touching hands as I pass him his bag.
But our eyes do meet and I realise, On the beat drop of the song, That the stranger is not that at all, But a haunting ghost of the past.
He shoots me a half hearted smile, Killing me with an icy glare would be kinder. Pretending we haven’t met, don’t have history, Like all our childish fantasies didn’t ruin us.
I pluck up some courage, force a smile, Say my usual “Hi, how are you?” But his reply is as ever it is, A good and goodbye.
He pulls one last pathetic grimace of a smile And walks doors, leaving me in the past. Its where I belong, where he belongs, But the coldness feels unjustified.
I stuff my books in my bag with a heavy sigh And pretend my morning can improve. And, approaching the counter, the lady asks “Espresso on the house?”
And just like that I’ve moved on too, Not wasting my time remembering a bitter past, For who wouldn’t love a free coffee? I’d meet him a thousand times for that.
It wasn’t like in the movies. The music didn’t stop, no one froze as if time itself had been halted by this moment, this grand alingment of the stars.
When my eyes lay sight on you, the world exploded. Like two neuton stars, I knew at once our love would be disastrous. The world could collapse, but why would I care? The universe lit up, our accidental collision so catastrophically gorgeous. Like you. After everything I had been through, after thinking ny heart had died all those years ago, you made me realise how wrong I was. You didn’t give me new life, you showed me how my death gave way to such a beautiful thing. You. A neutron star could never form if the original had not died, and my heart needed broken so cruelly to truely understand the beauty of our meeting. Explosions of firey sparks amplified the already throbbing music as you turned, the gentle flick of your golden hair like sunlight finally breaking through my cloud of darkness.
Oh my darling, even if we crash and burn, meeting you was the most extravagantly beautiful moment if my life.
