The wind blows my hair. I’m standing in the edge again. I look down. I see the vast openness drop down from the cliff. I would what it would be like. The jump. The wind on my body. The rush of adrenaline. The pain of impact. The peace of floating away. Of leaving this world and facing whatever comes next. I’ve wondered it for a while now. But every time, when I’m about to let go, I remember. I remember her. I remember my friends. I remember my parents, my family. I remember all the people who care about me. I can’t bring myself to put them through that. I turn away. One more day. One more day. Slowly, it started becoming two more days, three, four. One more week. One more month. You can make it the rest of the year. The bad days started off frequent and harsh, but slowly, even they started to become few and far between.
Sometimes I look back, I remeber those days. Standing in the edge. I remember how close I was to falling. And how glad I am that I turned away.
author’s note- this is not written from personal experience
You could break me down Cut me up and feed me to the wolves Rip out my guts and gouge out my eyes And I will still love you I will still be there for you Because that’s the only thing I knkw how to do I know how to be loyal I know how to stay by someone’s side until there’s nothing left but pain And even then I stay I always stay Because I’m loyal I’m loyal to a fault
When Icarus fell On his wings of wax Did he sob and weep? No, he threw his head back. His laugh filled the air The joy in his heart His smile so bright He was willing to part With the world he had known So cruel and so dark In these moments of freedom He sang like a lark The pain he ignored Just for this once He let himself grin Though all called him dunce They looked on in shock In horror and fear Then they would mock his bravery, and sneer “That boy is too wild, To hopeful and free He is only a child He should learn not to be So selfish and stupid So free willed and dumb Who is his father? What has he done?” But Icarus flew If only for a moment He touched the sky And sank into the ocean He laughed all the way Through the pain and the doubt He regretted it none And loved how he felt So selfish and stupid So free willed and dumb He ignored all the guilt All the comments and sneers As he flew to the sun He had nothing to fear Though it melted his wings And burned at his skin He’d tasted the freedom He’d flown in the wind And then down he fell While the others looked on He smiled all the way And proved them all wrong He flew on his wings And threw his head back He cackled with joy And that was the last They heard of brave Icarus The selfish and stupid The free willed and dumb
They all told the story Of the boy with wax wings They said to be wary Of what ambition brings They said it was wrong How Icarus flew But try for yourself You may like it too.
“No! No, you can’t leave me! Not like this, not now…”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I have to go.”
Rae is done putting her friends in danger. She can’t keep doing this. So she’s leaving.
“I don’t understand…” Mira says to Rae, “you know we’re perfectly comfortable being in danger. Why do you feel the need to leave?”
Rae looks away, “I’m not getting someone else I love killed because of my mistakes.”
Mira’s face softens, “Rae… Andrew’s death wasn’t your fault. Any one of us could have seen the signs. But we didn’t. You couldn’t have possibly know how bad the wound was. No one did.”
“But I should have! I should have made sure he was okay! I’m supposed to be a leader! What kind of leader lets their group hide things like that from them?”
“Rae, it wasn’t you fault. You’re not a bad leader, and no one else is going to hide something like that. Not after that. You don’t need to leave. Please don’t leave. We can’t do this without you.” Mira takes a small step forward and places a hand on Rae’s shoulder. Rae turns to look at her.
“I’m sorry. But I have to do this.” She turns back around and walks away, back toward camp. She walks into the clearing where the others are setting up camp for the night. She goes over and silently starts to help Wynn, Mira’s younger sister, set up a tent. Edward and Felix set up the other tent.
They get a small fire going and cook some food, and manage to have a somewhat normal dinner. After they eat, they sit around the fire for a while, but no one says much. Eventually the sun starts to go down and Wynn and the boys decide to retire to their tents. Rae stares into the fire, aware of Mira’s eyes on her. They stay like that for a few mintutes before Rae speaks.
“You know I have to do this.”
“I just don’t understand. None of us blame you for what happened, and it’s not going to happen again. I don’t get why you have to leave.”
“I just do. You’ll understand eventually.”
Mira studied her for a moment, “I hope I will.”
Rae meets her eyes for a second, before looking away. “take them back to the village. Make sure they don’t come looking for me.”
“What if I come looking for you?”
Rae smiles at her sadly, “Ws both know that’s not going to happen, and it’s for the better that way.”
Mira looks down at the fire, “Yeah. I guess.”
Rae stands up and grabs her backpack. She starts to fill it up with some food and other supplies. Mira doesn’t move.
Rae finishes packing and goes over to Mira.
Mira looks at her. “So you’re really leaving me?”
Rae closes her eyes for a second. “I’m sorry.”
Mira studies her for a moment before nodding. She takes a deep breath and stands up.
Rae looks up at her. “Keep them safe.”
“I will.”
Rae nods. “Thank you.”
Mira places a hand on Rae’s cheek and another on her waist. Rae leans into the touch and closes her eyes for a moment. She opens them again and looks up at Mira. She stands on her tiptoes and places a gentle kiss on the other girl’s lips.
“I love you. And I’m so sorry.”
She pulls away from Mira and walks out of the clearing.
Mira stands there. Watching her best friend and the love of her life leave.
