(💸- I’m 12, constructive criticism will be much appreciated haha)

I shudder as the memory brings back others that I don’t want to remember. I vowed I’d never come back here and yet, there I was, back in Sweden, staring into the dark, ghostly waters of the lake where I almost died. It was probably only dark and ghostly to me though. As I looked over to my friends, I noticed how happy and carefree they looked, sitting on a picnic blanket by the deck. Jocelyn was laughing, Marie doing a little dance to celebrate us all being together, and Elizabeth telling them to pose for a selfie. I’ll never forget how it happened. I remember it so vividly, just as it was four years ago. I was ten years of age and stupidly leaning over the deck edge. My dad calls me and I turn around to see that he caught a fish. Quite a big one, too. It’s mouth is still opening and closing, gasping for the oxygen it wasn’t getting out of water. It was writhing. It was revolting to me, even though I ate fish. Just seeing them like that was so much more different than eating them cooked and with lemon, like mom made. He brought it closer and closer and I made a sudden movement backwards, falling, back first into the water. As I plunged into the dark depths of water, I suppose my life really did flash before my eyes. I remembered the swimming lessons I refused to take because the swimming cap ‘made my head hurt’. I remembered the lemon fish my mom made that I’d never get to eat again, and I remembered Luna, our puppy we left at home that I never got to say goodbye to. I remembered about a hundred other things in those two seconds but you’d probably take quite a longer time to read them. I had to swim up. I had to just go upwards. Through my struggles, I let out my last breath of precious oxygen that I had left in my lungs. I heard my dads muffled screams. I had no breath left to scream even though I wanted to. Before I knew it, I saw the frothy bobbles as my dad jumped into the water. ‘I never knew I was so hopeless at swimming’, I thought. At the pool I could stay afloat, even if with a bit of struggle. I lose all hope as I see him, at least 10 feet above me trying to swim downward but failing. He still had air in his lungs. That was what was keeping him afloat. I remember wishing I could tell him. Maybe I could. With every ounce of energy I had left in me, I pointed to my chest and heaved out a tiny bubble. My last, my only hope. Gone. My dad seemed to understand and he let go of all the air he had in him. I must have passed out because next thing I knew, I was puking goodness knows what right on the spot where Elizabethan sitting right then. As I looked toward her, she said, “Joan! Come on over, we need a picture with you, too!” I gave in. After all, one day we’ll all leave this world behind. Maybe let’s not take life too seriously. After all, I was the one who came back to the most traumatic place for me just for a trip with my friends.

[Im 12 yrs old and an aspiring author working on my first book, criticise, please!] 🧃

I sighed heavily. It was all or nothing, now. “Why aren’t you speaking, Jade?”, Josiah, my boyfriend asked. “Well... you won’t believe it, but last night... last night you were sleepwalking, because you were tired from our road trip, well, it’s my fault really.”, I rambled. “No, Jade, how’s that so? Your fault I’m tired? You always take the blame for everything.”, he retorted. “NO Jade, you really do! I won’t hear it!”, he continued as he saw my mouth open, ready to talk back. “Please, Josiah, you really need to listen to me this time. LISTEN JOSIAH-“, I couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t. Josiah was my world, and I was about to blow everything I’d worked for the past year. Yes, I’d been hiding the fact that I was the daughter of the biggest superhero in the country. Everyone said I looked like his daughter, but no one knew he actually had one. He was dead anyway. There was no point in... anything. Since I was five years of age, I’d been saving people from disaster. I remember the first time I saved someone’s life. My foster parents had taken me to an amusement park and there was a roller-coaster that started super high up, so we were tied to a harness, and told to climb up the steep ladder. It was part of the ride and probably the main attraction of the whole park. My parents kept telling me I’d get tired halfway up and that I shouldn’t go for it, but I really wanted to, so they consented. As the man strapped me to my harness, I saw a small girl, maybe a year or two older than me, struggle at the top. A bit of her harness was stuck to the railing and she was fidgeting. Somehow she managed to unclip the harness and she tripped. She was hanging on with only two hands. Very quickly I darted my eyes upwards and her feet swung to the ladder. I’d done it. Now all my strength was used up but I’d done it. I’d saved the girl. I told them I changed my mind, and they understood. They thought it was because of the traumatic incident. Everyone was asking her if she was okay, and she just stood there looking at me, with her mouth open just an inch, as if she knew. As if she knew I was the one who saved her. I avoided her glare and looked away. My parents thought I was unwell and took me back home soon after. How I came to be with my foster parents and how I knew who my father was, is an entirely different story altogether. I muttered “Yeah, you don’t wanna know” That got to him. “Tell me.” “I- well I’m Jonah Stellar’s daughter. You walked out the door and into the street. I’m the freak daughter, it’s me.”

“Ahh” it’s pretty. Wish there was a word to describe it properly. Gorgeous doesn’t fit, beautiful doesn’t at all... what else? Ethereal. It’s a nice word, but still, not the one. Cold air cutting into your face, breeze blowing and the sound of trees swishing. It’s perfect. Purple, pink, green... all blended together to create the perfect night sky. The northern lights. But ‘Aurora’ sounds better. Aurora. It’s a pretty word.

🔴not part of the writing.. I’m 12, and currently writing a novel and I neeeeeeed yall to criticise this!!!!!!! Please do, it would help so much!