It might not make sense to you, the story I’m about to tell. If you haven’t lived similar horrors, the reasons we all got together to do what we did might still seem unfathomable to you. I only ask that you keep an open mind, and don’t judge us too harshly.
It all started innocent enough, well, the motive was innocent anyways. I suppose you could say it was redemption. For each of us, what once held innocence was shattered by another- with intent. There are some things that truly seem to break a person, from the inside out. Some things,or some people we can’t talk about, some of us who can’t talk for ourselves. We have nowhere to turn, so we shrink away into our retreat of safety, where at least they can’t hurt us anymore.
13 months and 17 days, the group had been meeting, before anyone wound up dead. The club started as an emotional support group. After leaving my abusive ex, and coming to terms with PTSD, the anger and pain that remained inside me was too much to bare. A friend and I had been talking...and she told me about a group she was in, where basically women (who were abused, manipulated or systematically taken advantage of) met, to help each other in various ways. One of the big things was with perspective. Abuse can really mess with a person’s sense of reality, and it was up to us all to listen to the unfiltered fears and help one another be sure we are not responding from trauma, to ordinary circumstances.
The problem with that, was that it seemed the trauma liked to follow some of us around. Our club was secret for a few reasons. One reason being the safety of the girls who may still be attached to a partner who is a danger, the other being so the girls helping don’t wind up on their radar. It’s also a factor that none of us are quite comfortable with most people knowing what we have been through, and half of us discredit our right to be upset.
It started as seeing the beauty in one another, and wanting the best... It truly was with good intentions. How, though, can one grow to love such desperately hopeful beings, and not grow an intense rage at the ones who would purposefully tear their hopes, like plucking the wings off of a butterfly, with not only disrespect-but disdain. Pure disgust, it seemed, that anything in this world dare dream of more than the haunted wasteland of broken promises and bloodied tears their “love” had to offer.
And that night, when Isabelle came through the doors, covered in blood and tears...it set something off in us all. She was only 17, the daughter of our club founder, a child, whom as far as we were concerned-was ours. We decided we would get him back. And then, we would get them all.
Hello, you do not know me But I am begging you Please consider for a moment That perception isn’t truth
For though you feel like a burden, An infection stuck in place This world, left in your absence Would be in so much pain
I know how much it hurts To feel as though you’re flawed As if the very composition of your being Is somehow breaking laws
But I promise you, there’s someone who would cry Someone who would wonder what they could have done each night Someone who would beg for just a chance to make things right Happiness you’ll feel again, if you just stay alive
And I’m sorry that the wounds run deep, I’m sorry that you’re sad It’s a tragedy that merely needing love Makes you feel bad
But I swear that if you just hold on, And fight another day Eventually you will get through this part And be okay
Progress is progress No matter how small And if all you did was breathe today I still see nothing wrong
Not everyone gets it, some don’t understand Their lives have been different, their standards aren’t fair Don’t compare yourself to what you think you ought be I may not know you, but you matter to me
It hurts deep inside, though it has to be done She really did try, but it wasn’t enough She thought that maybe he was just misunderstood An unfortunate soul who’d not yet found any good But all of that sadness, turned into anger The man he became, like a total stranger His words that had once been a promise of peace Just the method he used to bring her to her knees The lies, and the secrets, and then the neglect The incapability of showing her basic respect She realized that life was too short for these games Though at first it might hurt, he didn’t love her the same She had to let go, not continue to fight Though it tore up her heart, it could only be right So she packed up her things, and she left a small note “One day you may meet someone just like you ” she wrote “And then you will see how it feels to be mocked And told you’re imagining things when they’re caught And maybe then you’ll understand Why it is you will never see my face again”.
The days bleed away to the feelings inside I haven’t known how it is I’m to survive Drowning inside of this personal hell With nothing to grasp but this shame in myself And everything that was once gold turned to sand It withered away and fell straight through my hands Now I’m building castles with spirits and dust I’m trying to fight, I don’t want to give up I don’t know how it’s supposed to be I’ve spent my entire life retreating from reality It’s always seemed like such a rotten place People will betray you with a smile on their face But there’s something that stands out to me more so than all the others It’s how those who have been knocked down seem to stand up for each other And it’s never seemed to fail, the ones who have been hurt Seem to accept so much more blame than anyone deserves But it doesn’t burn as much, being looked at through that lens When someone is beside you, and you trust in their intent For those who have ached in similar ways Will do all that they can not to cause others pain And even if the rest of the world disagreed We don’t need them to tell us we deserve to breathe There’s so much more to this world than we see There are people that I know would surely miss me The love that I feel goes deep into my bones I crawl into his arms and feel closer to home My comfort, my love and my truest friend Knows the pain, and the fears, and pulls me tighter in He’s seen all too much of the darker side Struggled with demons he tries his best to hide We might be a little bit misunderstood But as long as we’ve got each other, I’m good
You never really know what life is going to throw your way. There are some things, that seemingly out of nowhere, pop up all of the sudden and change the world as you had known it before. When Elizabeth had started dating Ben, he had seemed sweet enough. He was a bit persistent, but having not really been used to how male attention worked, she thought that was how all men were. She found his hounding and constant questioning of her interest a bit off-putting, but, managed to convince herself that was her “insecurities not wanting her to be happy”.
Over time, she allowed herself to grow dependent on his approval, but for all her worrying and catering- she still never seemed to be quite good enough. He was secretive, and quick to be defensive. But as far as she could tell, it truly was her inability to cope with having to exist that was the true problem. That was until the kids were born.
Premature. Two months. Day in and out were spent at NICU, pumping breast milk and kangaroo care. All this while Ben stayed home, looking at porn and chatting up old flames. At first, being up there, it bothered Elizabeth to see the doting men beside the woman and child they cared for. But she also realized in that time, looking into those big blue eyes staring into her-she didn’t need anyone else.
Not having the heart to move back to her family and tear her children from their father, she was unsure what to do. She tried working it out with Ben, but was always met with lies, excuses, and gaslighting. She wanted so badly to give her kids the chance at a “normal” life, a chance she hadn’t had herself... but in the deepest pit of herself, she knew, staying with Ben would continue to destroy her ever-eroding self esteem and sanity.
She separated from him and that’s when he really got out of control. He didn’t hit her, but he did make a very grand scene of cleaning his police issued handgun, while talking about wishing things worked out, and feeling unsure what to do. He frequently cornered her in compromising positions, and she was eventually forced to move out.
It was then that he began to do everything in his power to disrupt her social life and familial relationships. Having more money, the ability to lie, and using a job in law enforcement to his advantage, Ben eventually broke her down enough to get most of the physical custody. To everyone else in the world, she must have failed really bad. It isn’t a thing people understand. Usually, when children are not with the mother it tends to mean she really messed up. In Elizabeth’s case, she loves her children more than she can bare but some days all she can do is make sure she stays alive, in constant fear of Ben’s next infliction.
I couldn’t believe my eyes, as I stared down at the words before me. How was it, for the third day in a row, I was faced with a very targeted horoscope that seemed to apply to the exact thoughts that I was having at the time? Considering the anxiety, the constant fear, and the flashbacks, could it really be just a cliche like I thought? The idea of some mystical foreshadowing of life and personality linked to the month and date of our birth had always seemed improbable to me, especially as I didn’t seem to match my sign at all.
I could not, however, ignore the fact that something was going on here. Had the social media spies actually advanced and been able to read minds? Were they targeting people with their insecurities? I entertained the thought, and it quickly became just another swirling around into the reel of endless possibilities.
Might it be that my hours of internal begging and pleading with the universe, had actually come to materialize? Was this real advice? A way out of the fog that had been clouding everything? Was this the answer?
I hope so, and if that was the case... perhaps today would be a new day. Maybe I could really get it right, ya know? That’s what I was thinking anyways, but then the screen started flashing, and the notifications began to ping. Over, and over, and over. Faster than I could see. Horoscopes were popping up, more rapidly than my phone could handle. My heart started beating faster, as if keeping rhythm with the speed and text.
It seemed the horoscopes were getting progressively more angry, and my anxiety was quick to respond. When my eyes were able to focus, and the pinging stopped... I saw the final message, and that’s what really sent me into a panic. Not only had I been getting different horoscopes relating to haunting feelings and past events, but they were coming retroactively...while traveling me backwards in time.
I looked around me and I was somewhere I only visited in my nightmares. I could feel every creak of the floor and see every hole in the wall. There... was no way out. Trapped in my worst memories and deepest fears... A knot welled up in my throat, as I came to the realization my life may be no more...that perhaps, I was sent back here to die...
But on the other hand... I thought, I don’t agree with that...I don’t want to give up. I had to find a way to break the curse, or spell, or whatever in the magical personal hell had just happened. It seemed the demons in my mind manifested into the ones who put them there. What if I had to trust myself?
I opened the document app of my phone, and started to write. I wrote my pain, my reality, and my desires as they truly were... and tears spilled and it seemed time