This is my life. I sit on the roof ledge looking into the night sky. I play connect the dots with the stars like how we used to when we were kids, only it’s different now. You’ve been gone a year, but I’m still stuck here, on this ledge, with these thoughts, with these memories. For a moment everything goes away. All the problems, all the stress, all the joy, all the aching stops. I sigh as I replay memories of us in my mind. The piggyback rides through the front lawn, the dress ups in our shared bedroom, the hide and seeks in the garden. I feel a tear streak my face as I hear our laughs. How pure they were. How innocent were we. How beautiful were our childlike souls! I linger in the memories a moment longer before standing. I close my eyes, and take a breath. In this moment I am infinite. I stretch my arms wide and allow the breeze to tangle in my sweater. I spend the next few moments rethinking every moment of my life, and noting how beautiful they are. “Madaline, honey? It’s time to wake up!” My eyes bolt open and are flooded with the sight of my mother on the side of my bed. “What’s wrong, sweety?” “Nothing, it was finally starting to become real”.

I cast a glare across the room once more to scan for his face. He is the one in which want to spend my life with. I find my peace in him, my comfort. As I lock my eyes on his face, I realize. He’s looking at her. It will never be me, it will always be her. Who can blame him? She’s effortlessly perfect. Upturned button nose, blue eyes topped with long eyelashes, round and full lips, and don’t forget her blonde hair that falls perfectly off of her shoulders as it’s tucked behind her ears. Her body as perfect as they come. My eyes glisten and I can’t stop. The tears are making my eyes blurry. My nose is runny, yet stuffy at the same time. I don’t even realize but my hand is floating upwards and my arm below is following. I ask with a heavily coated voice “may I go to the restroom?” All eyes are on me now and that makes it worse. My eyes leak the flooded mess that has collected in them now. I rush out of the room holding my hoodie sleeve above my eyes. As I’m walking out I hear little giggles and laughs. I realize now that the whole time It was a joke. I was the joke. I am the joke.

If wishes fell like rain, then certainly I am a storm. In my mind, things come and then things go. I will never ponder on what could be, nor what used to be. I am a wishing well, with lightning strikes of change. Thunder striking as they hit the floor of my pond. Splashes creating more and more rain for what is already a storm.

Without you here, life therefor has no purpose. If you ever stop breathing, I too will stop breathing. Without you here, I have no reason to continue on living. If you cry, I too will cry, not on the outside, but my insides will shriek out of struggle. I have been alive for 5,171 days but I’ve been living for 436. Since the day I met you. Without you here, I would simply die.