Hi, everyone, I’m a Christian, single mom to an amazing son. I 🩷animals,🌹,🦋, music, travel. I have a (TBI-🧠traumatic brain injury.)sometimes I get confused/ repeat -I can’t wait to read your stories!
Hi, everyone, I’m a Christian, single mom to an amazing son. I 🩷animals,🌹,🦋, music, travel. I have a (TBI-🧠traumatic brain injury.)sometimes I get confused/ repeat -I can’t wait to read your stories!
If only I wasn’t so sensitive. __ If only I didn’t always bring up the past. __ If only I wasn’t always needing help with everything. If only you could have listened to me, instead of ignoring me like I didn’t exist. __ _If you could have valued me for all that God created me for, I could’ve _ been so much more. Nobody sees me still and it’s absolutely maddening! __ If only you didn’t try to mold me into your perfect little doll, to display for all your family and friends. If you cared about me and loved me unconditionally , think about what my life could have been. I’m screaming inside my head , this war it never ends. My chronic PTSD is killing me. __
If I Count The Ways I Love You, I am reminded or the best day of my life, when you were born and how you literally saved me, and have everyday since then. My world was in black and white and turned into the most beautiful vivid colors ever. I was finally alive.
If I Count The Ways I Love You, I would say how absolutely beautiful and amazing you are inside and out. You probably would say I have to say this I’m your mom. Yes, true, but I’ve heard more times than I can count and received countless letters about how special, dependable, loving, caring, respectful, you are and how much of a leader, selfless, humble person are. I could go on and on forever.
_If I Count The Ways I Love You,, I would tell you how much of a caretaker you are and how much it means to me to know I can count on you for anything anytime. It’s priceless. _
If I Count The Ways I Love You, I Would definitely say you’re patience is commendable to say the least.
_If I Count The Ways I Love You, I would have to say because of how kind and caring you are to everyone including family, friends and anyone neighbors, strangers. I’m reminded of a night late when a stranger was in the street and most would have drove by, but you stopped to seee if they needed help. _
If I Count The Ways I Love You, I would include how respectful you are and always say please and thank you and how many times over the years I’ve heard about this, and how rare it is nowadays! It’s common courtesy.
_If I Count The Ways I Love You, I would say how great a friend you are. You will go anywhere, anytime , often the middle of the night, to help a friend out and actually do so regularly. _
_If I Count The Ways I Love You, you love you _ I’d have to say by helping everyone out so much that you’re going to school to become an. EMT-FIREFIGHTER! My Hero! My Son, My Friend!
_If I Count The Ways I Love You, I would say how many acts of service you do for me to show your love, in addition to your amazing hugs 🤗, words of affirmation and gifts and cards. You’re also very good with words and write the sweetest notes in my cards that I’ll keep and cherish forever. _
_If I count the ways I love you , it would take forever and ever beyond infinity bc you’re the BEST part of me, even when I m gone you’ll forever shine on like a when you were so young and if we were apart, I told you to look up to the sky and look at the stars and I’d be looking at the same ones. _
Love always and forever to infinity, Mom ☺️
_Broken lines across my mirror show my face all red and bruised. Though I screamed and screamed, no one came running. No, I wasn’t safe from you, or you, or you, or you. Sadly, this was nothing new. _ __ _Then here we go again, with the same and different traumas happening frequently . My eyes grew dimmer and blacker from every torture and trauma stacked on top of the next. As I sat cold, shaking, waiting for anyone, anybody, but nothing. _ __ No one ever came. So finally, I just literally disappeared from the human race ,a ghost floating lost in space.
Silence is golden some people say. Silence: my voice, my trauma, my pain. Silence, was death slowly washing over me. Silence as I no longer looked in front of me, but down into the black void swallowing me.
Silence was a response to the extreme daily bullying I experienced for 9 years. This with other major traumas led to, Regression, Disassociation, and eventually Catatonia . No one took the time to truly just listen, or act on what I bravely told them, as a child. Instead they swept it under another dark rug and pretended it wasn’t real. This also left me open for future predators, and there has been a lifetime of them.
Then , they turned around and blamed a 9 year old for not explaining what was wrong? The hospital convinced you to try tough love after I was already being abused. Then as they tortured me horribly with sleep deprivation, solitary confinement, strip searches etc…..you were unaware. Decades passed before we’d truly discuss the hell that happened there.
Silence turned into treatment Resistant Major Depression. ( I still have today) & C-PTSD. Sometimes SILENCE SPEAKS for itself. It’s LOUDER than any words could ever say! Silence, I was almost dead why did it take YOU so long to find ME? I was screaming in a million different ways. I told you what was happening & still you did nothing! Silence is biting my tongue with all the words and feelings I couldn’t say.
Silence ended for the most part, when you and I changed. Silence, let it open up our hearts and our souls. Let it drain the toxicity & pain from us both forever. Renew our love and give us a brand new start. Let God’s blessings flow through us and the water wash away our tears, pain, wounds and bad memories.
I hate to repeat it ,but I pray someone can learn from it. Silence can be truly beautiful if it’s your choice. But if you see something, say something, be brave for the voiceless! It very well might just save a life.
I’ve created a monster. Who would’ve thought it was me? All she does is embarrass me! Every minute of every day . She constantly tells people everything. She always repeats herself, and asks the same questions over and over. And she never understands the simplest things! It’s maddening. She says it’s because of her brain injury. So what? I’m sick of her excuses. I’m done with her.
I told her, “I’ve heard this all before ,and it’s branded in my broken brain— “No one will shed a single tear, or hold you close while you shake and tremble with fear . “All your angels, roses, & butterflies have turned into devils, snakes, and cold, dark space. “
But I’ve learned to make friends with her, since no one else ever stays around her long enough. This way, I will have someone who’s with me forever, since my husband broke every vow too many times to count. The End.
_ __Your lies drew me in. _ Your lies covered up your sins. Your lies hid your many addictions. _Your charm hid all your harm. _
You appeared so innocent & sweet, to everyone you first meet. _They’re still so naive, they __just don’t know you yet. Give them ___ Time & they’ll see ,the monster that I see. __ Behind closed doors you were; So Much More-Anger & Rage. _So Much More-Gaslighting & Mind Games. _ So Much More-Abuse-of every kind. Yet, Lies-eventually exposed your cheating in our marriage.
Lies -also exposed an even sicker side of you, than I already Knew . That’s why I despise dishonesty, even white lies, And anything that is deceptive.
It’s so damn cold here in my soul. No one knows the horror I’ve known. I feel the darkness coming, it’s cold. It’s taking over this hole in my soul.
I see all the Tortured souls, so easily.
“They’re crying out ‘Save Me,’
Screaming inside, bleeding and
Dying.”
They now wander around alone in a zombie-like state only to Eventually fall into a deep black void. Then disappear into the darkness forever.
They told me, I’m better off alone. Maybe I am ,but they’re not the ones crying in this big bed every night . It’s so lonely, and cold. I feel like I’m lying outside in the freezing snow, in the middle of the night.
It still tears me to pieces. I shake and I tremble as I curl into a ball .I pull my blankets over my head, trying to comfort myself. I fall to my knees screaming “God help me please !” up to the heavens. Now time stands still and I’m stuck in slow motion, unable to move at all.
We were united until our dying days ,but you threw that all away ,like a piece of crumpled up paper. Now, I’m alone here everyday. Yet, you sealed this fate, by breaking every one of our vows.
She was so beautifully broken and adorably scary that you might have thought she had everything, but her smile hid so much horrible pain, deeper than anything imaginable, that she finally just crashed too hard and she finally just fell apart, like an old broken toy, forgotten, worthless, empty . No one even knew she existed , much less knew she was missing. Was this the tragedy or the blessing?
