You’re gone but the night they called, it couldn’t have been true I sat by the door waiting for one hour then two then three then four then five ‘till I went up to bed and knew that I’d just see you in the morning
The second night without you I faced the dark alone and asked you to come back I’d be better, I promised I’d pamper you and cherish you and love you outside as much as I did in And I fell asleep with the plea on my exhale
When you weren’t home the next night I was angry How could you How could you leave me alone in this cruel cruel world You broke your vow and I hated you for it but I slept with my words pressing on my tongue and guilt balanced between my teeth
The night afterwards was much the same as the day I couldn’t make it to bed, couldn’t bear to be in our bed so I stayed on the couch Tried to fill the emptiness in the shape of you but the bottle didn’t fit
The sun rose and fell and I saw half standing in the mirror where I stood Didn’t know myself, my skin itching like someone else’s as my soul caught fire next to you, but the smoke wandered the stars I saw behind my eyelids alone
I thought about you that following night and for a time I could feel your smile, my fingers running through your hair You shone in my thoughts, not a star but my sun As my breathing steadied my hand rested on the cool sheets tangled with the memory of you
Six nights I grieved And the seventh was when I knew You weren’t coming back It wasn’t peace I felt but acceptance as I scattered the ashes of our life and retuned home, alone because you’re gone
It was so quiet it hurt. She hadn’t been somewhere this silent for four years, besides the mass cremations every other day. They’d given ten seconds of pause to honor the fallen before getting back to war. It was all they could afford. And now it was over. They’d won. Drinks were flowing, freedom songs being belted out as loud as possible, as people laughed and cried with relief. But she couldn’t feel anything. Her heart beat in time with her footsteps. Right, left. Right, left. They looked her in the eyes and told her she’d won. Then why did it feel as if had lost the part of her that mattered most? She stopped automatically. She’d never been here before, but her feet knew where to carry her. The brick of marble came into focus. There was a whole field of them. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands of bricks sat strewn around the field with uniform walkways, a bit of sense among insensible grief. The memorial yard was empty, the revealers occupying the space furthest from it as if hiding from the truth. That their joy had been won by blood. But her reality was pain, her eldest friend Death. And as she stood there, she could feel It hovering over shoulder, as if contemplating — well, that was Its business. Once again, her gaze fixed on the brick of marble in front of her. Her reflection shone back at her, but it wasn’t her thick eyelashes or full hair she gazed upon. Instead, she saw a longer face, similar features but undeniably masculine. Ruffled hair, sharper features resting ever so different from hers. A tear fell, breaking the illusion and seeping into the cracks of the incomplete inscription. Where one name sat, hers was missing. A loyal soldier and loving twin, it read. But that wasn’t right, either. A part of her had been ripped away. She was incomplete, raw, naked. She hadn’t lost a loving twin. She had lost her other half. And as she turned and headed towards the lights, she left that piece behind, trailing blood from the one wound that would never heal.
I sat next to you a year ago on the loud and crowded bus, your friends horsing around behind us. We shared laughter but never words and yet I was happy. Did you feel it too?
I passed you in the hall months ago on our way to class. We were surrounded by waves of people and I looked at them all but saw only you. Did you see me too?
Weeks ago I dreamt of sunlight, a carpet of color and fragrance and wishes gliding on gilded wings and I could reach out a finger where one would rest for a breath. And of course you were there. Did you dream of me too?
Someone asked me to dance yesterday. I can’t recall who because you were watching us, your gaze following us even though her hand rested on your arm. You looked perfect. Did you forget her too?
I whispered this all to you a heartbeat ago. Now two. Now three. I think I love you, I breathed. Did you love me too? Do you love me too?
