I think I messed up Panicked, thought I’d hop aboard “the road less taken”
Yeah… right
I see the history forspoken Decades of footsteps, doctrinal in pose A mission etched in concrete A path paved in newly cobbled stone
The road ahead is lucrious A life so bold, no doubt But my stomach sinks, this isn’t me Suppressing questions from myself
Yet again I raise the gavel Calling ‘order’ on my thoughts Tune out the chaos with a case or two Pretend maybe I’m not so lost
But then the sun goes to slumber And the moon comes out to play A silence all encompassing Emotions lie, in pain
I don’t know what the move is I don’t know what comes next I claim I trust this chapter But it’s hard when you don’t know what lies ahead…
You’ll always be my maybe The love that could have been Haven’t seen you in some time now But it’s like you’ve never left
Your presence makes it brighter Our humors intertwine You taught me how to wonder You let me see you cry
If only times were different & I didn’t live so blind I picture endless laughter A peaceful love so right
We’re living different lives now Summer only lasts so long I’ll miss our times together & wish you hadn’t moved along
We’ve tread the line so gently Our shadows never touched I’ve played this game too cautious Swearing friendship was enough
But you’ll always be my baseline You’ve set the bar so high Perhaps the feeling’s mutual But by now… it’s too late to try
I watch the time pass by from my bedside Kept from sleep as the minutes tick by ‘Cause a year ago I’d be calling you Celebrating the thought of you in my life
I can’t pinpoint the moment you left me No big fight or stinging last words All I know are my calls are unanswered Text messages opened to no response
I see pictures you post with your new friends Oh how I’m glad for the ones by your side I pass your mother sometimes in the grocery And wish I could tell her “I’ll be over tonight”
Perhaps I’ll admit your silence hurts me But the pain I see in you hurts much more So of course I’ll send a ‘happy birthday’ And play the bigger person as before
Because I need you to know I’m still with you I need you to know I still care Sure, it may take some time to forgive you But say the words Elle, & I’ll be there
I pull the flowers from my hair And rehang my favorite dress Return my shoes back to my closet Dim the lights, ready for bed
I hear the music through the window Hear them laughing down the hall Did they notice I was missing? Would they question it at all?
Try pretending nothing hurts me Getting wrapped up in my phone But tuning out the world around me Is a horrid way to cope
No I never got an invite Yes, it’s time to face the facts Just these four walls keeping company Might be getting to my head
An extrovert living an introvert’s life Can only last so long One of these days I’ll open the door But til then I’ll keep building my walls
All I want is to talk things out…
Because this broken-record, awkward, screeching silence is eating me up, and I want to scream, but the silence is too heavy… so here I am.
Cards laid out, laying bare, bleeding out ‘cross your kitchen table.
Do you think you could drop your walls for just a moment and let me see what’s bothering you?
Everything, share it all?
For just this moment, just this conversation.
Give us a chance to piece everything together and decide if this once true love is worth saving?
How could you sit there and roll your eyes, the same eyes that looked me up and down as you peppered my skin with gentle kisses before we lost it all?
… I do still love you, you know?
Just can’t wrap my head round the excuses and dropped promises.
Kills me I no longer think to confide in you when the days are long, or I remember harrowing secrets.
Losing you should feel suffocating, but it feels almost natural, unsurprising even.
More like a gradual fade in the warmth once felt when you’d hold me in your arms.
No, I know I’m not the only one whose fallen out of love.
Our lives were once so intertwined, our spirits so in sync.
Please tell me you agree, that this growing chasm between us is mutual.
Quiet me with your lips if I’m mistaken, for I would love for a true loves’ kiss reminder of what we once had.
Right now I can’t picture life without you.
So many years spent by your side, learning every breath, memorizing every step, dancing together in perfect harmony.
The two of us fit so seemlessly, no one knows me like you do… but I can’t keep convincing myself this emptiness is normal.
Us should be passionate, not tiring, and I need to know where you stand… right now.
Vow to me you still love me despite it all… that you see a way through.
With you I want to stay… but something’s clearly broken and I can’t mend it on my own.
Ex-terminate your reservations, tell me if I’m doing something wrong.
You mean the world to me, but I’m starting to think we’d be better off alone, for I fear if we wait too long I’ll be left feeling nothing when you walk into the room.
Zero - and that’s a coldness I don’t think I can tolerate…
I re-read conversations Scroll back to once told jokes Remember your opinions And your smile through the phone
First year we walked The Gardens Last Summer made Fall plans Had visions of forever Full trust The best of friends
Your birthday’s in my calendar Your face lights up my screen Remember that time Back in ‘09 We were happy you and me?
But you’ve left for Mississippi And you’ve never kept in touch Messages, just filled storage now Conversations left untouched
I still love you Though you hate me Still dream of you each night I miss you in the mornings And I miss the way we’d fight
I miss the way you texted me And the Home Screen on your phone I think of how you held me tight While I lay in bed alone
Mom says it’s high time I move on Dad still curses your name And yet here I am at 2AM Scrolling once again
“Has anyone seen Jessica?” It was a typical day at Mt. Shirley’s. Us girls were all huddled behind the playground, hiding from a mob of boys who just spent the past 15 minutes chasing us around the school. Don’t be the slowest, don’t stand alone. Those were the rules I lived by. I didn’t know what would happen if I was caught - still don’t - but the thought alone kept me running. All was good until the day Jessica went missing. Jessica was my best friend at the time, and the thought of her lost on the other side of the lot was enough to push me into leaving the group to venture out on my own to find her.
In my mind I was an adventurer, lasting hours on my own searching high and low for my best friend. I couldn’t of lasted more than minutes. I remember standing atop one of the slides looking out for a glimpse of my friend, but instead caught the attention of the boys in our class who began climbing the stairs of the playground I was on. I was trapped. Next thing I knew I’d been kicked in the back, and I’m flying down the slide, embarrassed and confused. When I turn around, instead of the 5 guys I expected to see laughing down at me, I saw you. Standing between myself and the others. We locked eyes, determination shining in yours, what I could only imagine as confusion in mine. “Go!” you shouted before turning your back to me to deal with the chaos above. So I did.
When Jessica thanked me for coming back for her I told her to direct her thanks to you. I didn’t know your name at the time - that’s something I wouldn’t learn for two more years - but I kept an eye out for you from that day forward in class.
Little did I know how big an impact you’d come to have on my life…
PRESENT DAY
“Isaac’s hosting a party tonight at 6, I’ll meet u there”
It was my one year anniversary with Kyle, and he wanted to spend it getting drunk at Isaac’s party. Isaac, his sarcastic friend who’s jokes never fail to ruin my mood. ‘Happy anniversary to me.’ It’s 5:25pm, and I know I should be wrapping up ready to go, but I can’t help drag this out as long as possible, refusing to do so much as pick out an outfit. ‘I don’t even drink. I’m not going to enjoy this.’ My fingers comb their way through my closet for the hundredth time when I stumble upon the jacket I wore snowboarding last December…
FLASHBACK - Dec 20th
“Rise and shine Kara! We didn’t come all this way to miss out on the mountain!”
It was finally winter break, and a group of my childhood best friends planned a ski getaway. Before we know it, we’re standing before the rental table. While Amy and Kate are picking out their ski poles, my friend Devin notices my attention drifting elsewhere.
“Your eyes haven’t left the snowboards since we got here. Would you rather try that?”
As fun as that sounded I’d only slow everybody down - “I don’t know how.”
“I don’t either but I’m willing to learn with you if you’d rather try that.”
I told him he didn’t have to. I heard just how excited he was to race against Owen the whole car ride up. But he insisted, “Owen could keep his dignity a bit longer. I’ll beat him next time.”
So while our friends sped off to the closest black diamond we spent the day laughing and tumbling down the easiest green.
PRESENT DAY
I end up grabbing the teal halter dress I bought last summer. It’s stylish without looking over-the-top, and after 15 minutes of curling my hair and ransacking my closet for shoes I’m ready to go. By 6:07pm I’m typing Isaac’s address into my phone and pulling out the driveway.
FLASHBACK - July 15th
‘It’s 8:55pm. So long as I’m ready by 9:10 I’ll have 20 minutes to figure out where the heck I’m going… this’ll be fine’.
I’m startled out of my thoughts by the buzz of my phone and the text message lighting it’s screen.
Evan: Hey! When r u planning on heading over to Jack’s?
I send a reply, then abandon my phone for a hairbrush and get to work detangling my mess of hair, still damp from swimming with my sister an hour before. Next I know I’m grabbing my keys and walking out the front door. The grey Honda blocking the driveway catches my attention though.
Evan rolls down his window and calls me over. “Want a ride?”
I thank my classmate for the offer but can’t deny my confusion by the gesture. “I could drive myself you know.”
“Of course you can. I know you don’t like relying on GPS at night though, and we’re both headed to the same place. Better for the environment and all that too.”
PRESENT DAY
For as much as I can’t stand Isaac, I have to admit his house is beautiful. After finding a spot to park I find myself walking up the paved pathway to his door, a beautifully engraved wooden piece currently being held open by a rubber door-stopper. ‘Sure my parents wouldn’t be thrilled if I threw a party while they were away, but no question they’d be MORE furious by the propped door!’ My parents have never tolerated bugs in the house, and my sister and I have learned to treat a let-in fly as an emergency requiring immediate attention.
FLASHBACK - Nov 8th
“My life’s a joke, can’t believe this :( Code red emergency, need help ASAP!” - sent
It’s just my luck a moth slipped it’s way inside as I’m closing the door after taking out the trash. My sister and I have been referring to bug situations as “CODE RED’s” for as long as I could remember, and we’ve become a pretty good team when it comes to catching things before our parents see. It’s about 5 minutes since I sent my emergency text when someone knocks at the door. ‘Guess she’s been outside this whole time. The nerve of her taking so long to help me with this!’ I swing open the door ready to give my sister the 411, but am instead met with the frantic face of my neighbor Jackson.
“I got your text, what’s going on? Is everything ok?”
There’s an awkward moment of silence when my brain racks my memory trying to piece this together. All the while Jackson’s eyes scan me over then start searching the room over my shoulder, each of us trying to understand how we got to this point. It clicks when my ‘new pet moth’ flies between us reminding me of its presence.
I texted the wrong person.
After endless apologies and a thorough explanation of my not-so-emergency emergency situation, Jackson and I got to work figuring out what to do with Mr. Moth.
PRESENT DAY
“You’re a half-hour late Kara, where have you been??” Kyle, courteous as ever, spots me from across the room.
FLASHBACK - April 29th
“You’re a half-hour late Kara, where have you been?? I’ve been miserable without you! Thank goodness I don’t have to suffer alone anymore!” Every once in a while work overlapped with track meets. Casey, along with a few other teammates, never failed to make me feel welcome even when late.
PRESENT DAY
Kyle went to drape his arm over my shoulder, but I shrug it off.
It’s our one year anniversary. We’re surrounded by all his friends, and this is no place for a serious conversation about the future. But I’ve made up my mind that this will be our last night together. There’s a certain way to be treated, and this doesn’t cut it for me anymore.
I’ve been sprinting the wrong race Shouting the wrong lines Trusted GPA converted to USD$ But the Game of Life is never that simple And I’m running out on time
I’ve been playing the wrong cards Holding out on double dice He’s bought Boardwalk, she Tennessee Ave I cycle the railroads Paying out time after time
I’m twisted up, tumbling over Deck’s growing in my hands My Queen’s exposed, Bishops both gone No 4 in a row just botched up plans
Wish to call a truce As another ship sinks And the letters don’t show as I wished Building a tower from scratch Doesn’t work very well When you spend little time on the base
I wonder if you ever stay up at night thinking of me
Me, who you once held the door for and saved a seat for at dinner tables
Tables turn, I now know
Know I’m being dramatic, but the thought of you makes me wonder
Wonder how your thoughts of me have changed over the years
Years, and years of fleeting eyes and stolen glimpses
Glimpses once held now abandoned
Abandoned, as you left me in the car lot
Lot of times I wished you hadn’t
Hadn’t gone and left me yearning
Yearning both for the guy I imagined you to be and the car meant to drive me home, neither to last
Last moments with you turned sour
Sour as the smoke-filed air as I trekked home, the opposite direction of your taillights glowing
Glowing as a beacon of past mistakes and roads not taken
Taken away from me, leaving me alone and useless on the side of the highway
Highway became my way, and I know now that September night was for the best
Best thing that could’ve happened, for I sit behind the wheel now
Now it’s me chasing the horizon, no longer limited by your existence
Existence only now remembered in pieces
Pieces no longer relevant as I hit the gas and go.
