a construct. must, by definition, be constructed. a construct. hangs over my head, encircles my room. a construct. i don’t remember creating? a construct. if not me then who?

the construct. scares me, what does it want? the construct. doesn’t trust me, my self belief gone. the construct. in my house, my room, my mirror. the construct. through my eyes, gazes on.

my construct. i think it has me now. my construct. in my flesh, my bones, my blood. my construct. floats beyond me, in, out, through. my construct. i- constructed you?

i count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 5 what? bodies? deaths? 𝘙𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 no. that felt wrong, again.

again, 5 numbers, 5 words, 5 images flash before my eyes, 5 deaths, 5 bodies, blood, so much blood my hands, blood

blood, on my hands, in my heart, inside and out, blood. i hold the knife, i want to save them, i want to save them and i cant, i count, 5, 5, 5, it feels wrong, i can make it right, if i say it right, i can make it right? again, again, again, there is blood on my hands, if i say it right enough will they live?

there’s something so comforting about feeling your own bones,

will we be together in death? as we were never in life?

as they return your rose-adorned corpse to the earth, will my skeletal fingers, extend towards yours?

when they speak of your life, will they speak of mine? speak of how i loved you? or of how i let you down?

the roses may grow, may spread, may carve out a path between our beds, a path of pure red, or they may wilt, may die, they may turn limp as my hand did in yours that night, and as your heart did in mine soon after,

they may return to the earth just as we did, linked only by memories and accompanied only by dry soil between us,

what i’d give to take your hand in mine once more, to reach between your ribs and cradle your heart like i never could, and to have you cradle mine, like you always would,

what i’d give to press my forehead to yours, and feel my love coursing through your veins the way it still courses through mine, what i’d give to tuck one last rose behind your ear, and to whisper as i did, “to the world”

i gave myself, my body, my corpse, my soul, left to rot, so yours could blossom,

my love, remember me in the new life you bestow?

no longer able to fight, my eyelids came together with a thud. the very essense of sleep coursed through my veins as i felt my soul drifting through my chest. afraid to succumb to the darkness surrounding me, i released a final, shaking breath to counter the dull, jarring ache of my knees crashing to the floor. i knelt before the darkness not of my own accord, but in a final, desperate plea not to be consumed by it.

in vain.

i felt the darkness around me, inside of me, seeping through the very essense of what i thought defined me, and yet- consumed? no.

embraced..? maybe. it held me, the darkness; it held me in a way i couldn’t hold myself, it held me like a curious child might allow a butterfly to perch on its finger, and yet simultaneously like i was a dying animal, scared, being put down but loved nonetheless, loved right until the end.

maybe this was the end.

can you lose what you’ve never had? i sit and watch, stare, she braids her hair, nimble fingers twist and turn, and i wonder; can you lose what you’ve never had?

can you lose what you’ve never had? i stand and stare, gaze, freshly painted nails graze, wondering fingers scratch and skim, and i wonder; can you lose what you’ve never had?

can you lose what you’ve never had? i lie and gaze, cry, they into secrets pry, petty laughter skips and sings, and i wonder; can you lose what you’ve never had?

can you lose what you’ve never had? i curl up and cry, weep, each other secrets they keep, sealed lips will never speak, and i wonder; can you lose what you’ve never had?

can you lose what you’ve never had? i kneel and weep, sob, while they’re hearts are full mine does throb, for the life i don’t have, for the friends i never made, for the boys i’ll never gossip about, for the normalcy i crave, i sob, and i wonder; can you lose what you’ve never had?

she sees me, i know she does, the watchful eyes, the “are you ok?”, “are you sure?”

and it hurts, almost like she cares, it hurts, when i almost believe her, “you can talk to me”

can i? no. if i talked she would know, beyond all reasonable doubt, pain communicated through excuses and foreign tongues,

if i talked, she could prove it was real, i don’t want it to be. does she care? why?

“are you sure?” i’m not, i can never talk, not to her, not to anyone.

can you love a flower but despise the way it blooms? hate it’s gentle nectar and despise it’s pinkish hue? can you love a flower, yet wish that it were dead? well i suppose not gone so much but maybe something else? could you love a flower, though it is plain to see, you detest every single leaf and petal more than equally? could you love a flower? if really in the end, you despised so much of it that it could never mend

Darkness. That’s all I heard when I woke. No, not heard, saw, darkness is something you see, or rather, something you can’t. Can’t? Or just won’t? Maybe this is all in my head, I just need to go back to sleep, or wake up I suppose.

I cold shiver runs down my spine, and just for a second I feel a little less alone in this darkened room. It’s… comforting, I think? Not that I would know what comfort feels like. Like a cold hug, bitterly embracing me in such a way that I can feel my own bones gnawing against my skin. Maybe I’m just thankful for the contact. It’s been a number of days, or maybe it hasn’t, since I came to be here. I don’t remember how, I’m not really sure why either. I might have asked for this, or been summoned by some other power, maybe i’ll never be quite sure. I don’t feel very sure of anything really.

The ghostly hands finish floating down my spine. I twitch my neck backwards, maybe not as comforted as I thought I was. And just like that, it was gone.

I think I miss it.

Darkness. That’s all I hear as I wake. I can’t hear, I can’t see either. Can’t? Or just don’t?

You’re back, back to play, back to fool, back to lie, back to poison,

was it not enough? the games, the lies, the hurt, you turned them all against me, and now you’re back for more,

what did i ever do, but try to love you,

loyalty spat from your mouth, like lava from a volcano, honesty left you, like smoke in a cage, shed your skin, of kindness and love, to reveal brittle bones, cradling spite and hatred,

back to turn, back to hate, back to hurt, back to ruin, the small world i’d built around me,

now surrounded by kindness, you made me feel more alone than ever,

will you ever know, when to stop?

you send me texts, “meet me here” i won’t.

you send me letters, “forgive me” i won’t.

you talk to me, “i’m not sorry” i know.

and then you ask me, to take you back?

i will never

she bashed her head, i bashed my knee, are you ok? they don’t see me,

“she hit her head”, “she has it worse”, but i dragged her from the water first,

i gave her love, when you weren’t there, now i’m the one, whose standing there,

ice cold water, flows over my skin, as i drag her up, the cold setting in,

i hold her tightly, i keep her warm, my body failing, skin scratched by thorns,

i did all the work, i set her free, but after all this time, they don’t see me,

brain flooded with worry, as i forget about myself, still all their love, given to someone else