For years, I doubted myself. My strength, my confidence, and my ability to adapt to change. I did not stay because that is what I wanted, I stayed because I didn't think I was capable Didn't think I was deserving Didn't think life had more to offer. I took the harsh words and the loneliness While crying alone in the bathroom. But one spark of courage landed me in a sea of change. The clarity that comes with standing alone In an apartment parking lot In the pitch black With nothing but the stars and a few lamp posts Reaching through the dense fog And lighting my way to the trash can. Funny enough that is exactly what I did- Took out the trash that is. And the clarity that comes with that realization Is almost unnerving. A year ago, I would have never believed you if you told me That I would find the courage to leave; Something I told myself wasn't possible for a decade. But as I walk the foggy path to the trash can Surrounded by strangers in an apartment building I am thankful for my new, strange life The strange life that has me sharing a bed with Someone who was a perfect stranger nine months ago But now I simply couldn't exist without him. Someone who provides me a source of stability Amongst the sea of uncertainty and change. You see, without my one brave moment I would have missed another decade with my Soul mate.
And that, That is the clarity that comes After ten long and painful years While taking the trash out In a pink peacoat In the fog In your apartment In your new life- The new life that you love.
Laying in bed on a calm Sunday morning, listening to that soft trickle of a rain storm hitting the pavement just outside my window. My partner’s cologne lingers in the warm sheets surrounding my body; butterflies fill my stomach as I breathe in his scent. He shifts next to me, still sleeping at this early hour. The sun is just starting to peak through the blinds, and I’m alone with my thoughts. My greatest fear is being alone with my thoughts. No one to talk to so I can drown out the creations flooding my brain. No distractions available to preoccupy my mind with someone else. Just me and my thoughts.
A new relationship is supposed to be filled with giggles and butterflies. But it’s not the same after you’ve been hurt; cut deeply to your core; betrayed by the one who you gave your heart to and when they returned it, you didn’t even recognize it anymore. Trying to love someone new with a heart full of bandaids and stitches is messy and complicated. Trying to tell them everything so they understand you, but not wanting to burden them with the sins of another.
And in the early mornings when the sun is peaking through the blinds and the rain is causing my mind to drift away, I wonder if he will be the same. To give my heart to another who will break into even tinier pieces. As I stare at his freckled face lying next to me, I wonder how long it will be until he hurts me, too. Something I fear has entered my home, and I’m the one who opened the door and welcomed it in. Please God, let this time be different.
I think part of me thought we could push through any obstacle in our way. Love conquers all right? It sure did at 18 and it even mostly did at 22. 26 is different though. Love isn’t enough to help keep a clean house or to stop the fighting. Making up doesn’t feel the same anymore. I don’t remember the last time I looked in your eyes and actually saw you; the you at 18 where your eyes could make me forget what I’m upset about. Or the you at 20 that somehow could see into my soul.
Everyone tried to tell us it would never work. But baby it was you and me against the world. The world packs a punch though. Your tongue has gotten sharp and cold as you’ve aged. You’ve learned how to take the deepest, darkest parts of me and use them against me. But still I forgive, and forgive, and forgive. But it’s not enough anymore.
Lying awake wondering what did I do to deserve all of this. What fucking karma could I have possibly produced in my last life to be stuck on this never ending rise and repeat cycle we’ve been on the last decade. My love for you has made me weak. Holding my tongue while you remind me with your words how little you think of me.
Every stone you’ve tossed has given me enough to built a wall. A wall stronger than the one you broke down before. A wall I never plan on taking down for you again. Brick by brick, stone by stone I’m gathering my courage to leave. To save myself a lifetime of this because a decade is fucking plenty.
Deep inside, I think I knew all along that this was how it would end.
My name is Lucille and in this picture of my dearest friends, I am the one in red. The women in this picture have my entire heart. Since I lost my late husband, Albert, they are all I have left in this world. Albert and I were not blessed with children of our own, but we have found ways to spread our love through friends younger than us. Stephanie, the woman in stripes, lost her parents when she was still in diapers and raised by a half present grandfather. She had no one in this world, and I was more than happy to step in and play mother.
Grace and Anna, to my left and right respectively, are my very best friends. We met almost three decades ago now when I first moved to Allendale. We’ve been through absolutely everything together. Grace divorced her husband, Thomas, almost ten years ago now, Anna suffered multiple miscarriages before finally welcoming her first child, Lily, into the world, and they were both my rocks when I lost my Albert just over a year ago. They are my sisters and I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I would do absolutely anything to preserve their happiness.
Cindy, sitting next to Grace, joined our group when she and her husband, Dale, moved in next door to me about eight years ago. Dale owned a local hotel until about two years ago when he suffered a heart attack. They sold the company to their eldest son and Cindy cares for Dale at home now full time. I’ve watched the happiness slip away from her eyes the last few months, I’m assuming from the work load of running a household and caring for Dale who is almost totally dependent, though Cindy wouldn’t dare complain after watching me lose Albert.
Mary is the next in line sitting next to Cindy. Mary is an interesting character. She’s never stayed in one place for more than five years, but she’s currently on her sixth year with us. She owns the local antique store and sells very interesting artifacts inside her little shop. As much as she loves us, I suspect it’s her age that is really keeping her here. Her age is catching up with her, and having never married or had children, we’re all she’s got.
Rounding out our group is Margo, sitting between Mary and Stephanie. Margo has cancer and I can see the light fading from her eyes. She is one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. The kind of woman to volunteer at the soup kitchen on Christmas and give you the shirt off her back. She’s pure and deserving of so much more than her fatal diagnosis.
These women are my life. Watching the hardships of their lives the last few months absolutely kills me inside. And so, being the hostess that I am, I decided to throw a lunch to celebrate our friendships and to show them all a little love. We munched on fresh fruit from my garden and snacks I picked up from the local farmers market this morning. Of course, it wouldn’t be a girls lunch if I didn’t pop a few bottles of our favorite wine. So I raise a toast, to the people I love most in this world and we drink up.
Do you think they know I poisoned the wine?
The cold drip of a snowflake melting down my warm cheek. The crunch of frozen grass as I sit up to look around. A dark sky surrounding me, making it hard to see all that is around. As my eyes adjust, I see that I am outside somewhere in an open field. There is just enough light from the stars to watch the snowflakes land on the ground. My eyes search for anything that I can call familiar. Something to tell me where I am. A sharp pang in my chest as it tightens with anxiety. Where am I?
The last thing I remembered was going to bed in my own house. And now I’m here. But where is here? Back home, spring had started to appear. The flowers pushing up through the brown, crumbly dirt. But now I was surrounded by white flakes and barren trees. The snow capped mountains off in the distance rang alarm bells in my head. My small town doesn’t have mountains anywhere near them. Where the hell am I?
I start walking in no particular direction. My skin is starting to turn red from the bitter cold air surrounding me. The sun starts to rise on the horizon and the warm air stings my cheeks. As the sun rises higher in the sky, I notice the colors in the sunrise are different from the ones I’m used to. There are patterns of soft pink, red and orange like my mind expects there to be, but muddled in with the usual colors are streaks of gold and silver. Another noticeable difference from the world I fell asleep in.
As I continue to walk, my stomach starts to grumble quietly beneath my light purple pajamas. I need to find food before I’m stuck out here freezing to death. I decide the best plan of action is to continue to walk forward and find help. Off in the distance I see my first evidence that this strange land is inhabited. A small village of snow capped cabins; smoke billowing out of the chimneys keeping something inside warm. As my mind decides whether or not to approach, my stomach takes charge of my feet when a familiar scent hits the cold breeze- bacon.
Arriving at the cabin responsible for the delicious smell, I find myself feeling more afraid than I have the entire morning. What would greet me on the other side of the door? I gather the courage to raise my hand and lightly tap on the door. I heard bustling inside and then feet just on the other side of the door. As the door slowly creaks open, it’s as if I’m standing in front of a mirror.
My body springs into action and I turn to run as a warm hand grabs my arm. Recognizing the touch I turn around to see myself reaching out to keep me from running. Maybe it was curiosity or maybe it was stupidity, but I turned back around and followed myself inside the snow capped cabin not knowing what would await me.
