I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Yet I remember the last time I wanted to die. What can I do with that because no one can help me and I they can I’m sure they are like 4 years too late. Yo asked me what I wanted to do but I don’t want it I don’t want any of this. I want to be happy and free and full of life but now look at what I have fear and loneliness and misery. So really the only choice I need to make now is if I want to be miserably alive or peacefully dead.
Unpredictably untwined yet familiar, You move like the world exists only for you, They all bow down to your immaculate presence and here I stand upon my biggest fear, you are looked at like a plate of the finest China there could ever be, you are treated like the most valuable peace of gold and here I am a lost rock, frivolous and mediocre. Dance dance dance because even I can see the familiar, I’m in a trans trans trans…
All the doubts that I’ve had about you, about us held me back and now because of that I’m all alone and I just can’t move on. I’m not a stranger to unreciprocated love, but with you it’s different. We didn’t even start and in less than the seasons come and go, it was put to an end. Everyone tells me to let go and let things flow but how can I let you go? Every fiber in my body tells me it’s you, the missing piece, the part I need. Even though we are both broken, we don’t need to fix each other, juts stand by while we do it ourselves. I want you with what you have, I don’t need more than that.
Breathe. I tell myself every time I have a flashback Breathe. I remind myself every time I feel like there’s no air. Breathe. Is what I try to do but I cant, not anymore. He haunted my memories, he made me a ticking time bomb, he holds the face that I see everywhere, the face that reminds me that I am horrible, I am guilty, I should be ashamed. My fault, it’s my fault is all that I know and all I will ever know. I see the part of me who now is lost forever, the man who got away with a piece of my soul, the man who makes me want to die and makes me wish I got stabbed, the man that makes me hate my self, the man who makes me wish I get ruthlessly slaughtered and undone until there is nothing left because that is what I deserve. He’s not a man, he’s a monster, I should know that but I don’t. He is a man who created a monster, he created me.
Breath. I tell myself every time I have a flashback Breath. I remind myself every time I feel like there’s no air, every time I wish there was no air. Breath. Is what I try to do but I cant, not anymore. He haunted my memories, he made me a ticking time bomb he holds the face that I see everywhere, the face that reminds me that I am horrible, I am guilty, I should be ashamed. My fault, it’s my fault is all that I know and all I will ever know. I see the part of me who now is lost forever, the man who got away with a part of my soul, the man who makes me want to die and makes me wish I got stabbed, the man that makes me hate my self hate my life, the man who makes me wish I get ruthlessly slaughtered until there is nothing left because that is what I deserve. Not a man, a monster. Breath.
I held the knife in my bare hands, just like I had done it a thousand times before with intent but this time I knew that it would be the last, this time I knew nothing else mattered, this time was to set me free.
I sat there, the blade barely touching my skin, I was ready to let the purest of reds out of me no yesterday no tomorrow only here and only now. My entire existence lied in the air.
I let go
Nothing mattered anymore. I finally had control. Even though my last breaths were gone, I had never been so alive.
This is not about a game night gone wrong because you actually have to have someone to play a game with. It’s been 5 years, 2 months and 7 days since my parents divorce, and I have accepted it. My mom and my dad moved on and they each have a life of their own. Two years ago my dad had a son and it’s been 3 years since we haven’t spent Father’s Day together, I thought I was okay with it until I got pictures of my dad with his son in the pool, and in the backyard, and riding a bicycle and soon I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face, I tried to think of a good memory of my childhood but realized that I have a few and most of them end with my dad angry, or my parents fighting. Happy Father’s Day to me.
