This is a mistake. I really should have just walked away but… the waiter said that dinner was served and, well I just didn’t know how not to leave.
This all began on the night of the work dinner. I wasn’t supposed to go, I mean, I spend all day with these people - do I really have to eat out with them too? But then Debbie mentioned we were going to Bernett’s and, I admit, I let my mind be swayed by the promise of finally getting to dine at the most prestigious restaurant in Calton.
Debbie also mentioned that some employees from another branch were coming so when I arrived at Bernett’s and a group of strangers waved me over, I really didn’t think anything of it. Then, I started talking to this woman. “I’m Clara, who are you?” “Samantha” I replied, “what do you do?” “I’m a veterinarian nurse”.
Now I admit that this should have been my first major red flag. But I thought, hey who am I to judge how other branches do things? “What about you?” She asked. “Just a clerk.” I replied. “I must ask” I added, “how does it work?” She looked puzzled. “How does what work?” “Well, do your patients come to you independently or do they have to be customers of the branch? Is pet healthcare an incentive we’re introducing?” She stared blankly at me. Suddenly the waiter bounds up to the group, “ladies and gentlemen, you’re table is ready”. I wondered where the rest of my team was, but like the obedient little sheep that I am I just followed the group to their table.
We’re now three courses in and I can tell you quite confidently that this is not my table - mainly because I don’t work at a veterinarian practise, and everyone else at this table does. Also because, on the other side of the restaurant I can see the table where I’m supposed to be sitting. But how do I leave? I mean, no one’s actually noticed that I don’t work with them. Or if they have they haven’t mentioned it.
I guess I’ll just have to have dessert.
The smoke began to clear. Trees framed the crater and sand and dust blanketed the ground. The group remained paralysed as gradually the scene came into focus.
“What the hell is that?” Whispered Gracie.
At the centre of the crater was a huge boulder. Round and grey, it had decimated most of the forest. The group slowly began to approach the object. It was as if their fear had turned them into mindless insects, swarming towards a lightbulb. Curiosity is humanity’s greatest weakness after all. Suddenly, Sid stopped.
“Did it just move?”
Everyone paused.
“Shit you’re right,” Gracie said, as her eyes darted between the group and the object.
The left side of the boulder had begun to twitch. And a green light appeared. Something was coming out.
I’m not a bad person. Really, I’m not. It’s just a… habit. An addiction really. I just can’t stop taking what isn’t mine.
And it’s harmless really. As a child I used to take rakes from my neighbours lawns when they scolded me for playing too loudly or kicking a ball into their garden. Who knows why I did it. I think it was my way of bringing people down somehow. Of having power over the adults, even if it was just knowing where their garden rakes had gone.
And then when I was older I still used theft as a means of retribution when I felt wronged. Only now the stakes were higher.
That plant on your front porch. A keychain from the bowl on the table by the front door. Your television, or perhaps something more personal. Jewellery? Photographs? I will hesitate at nothing if you hurt me.
I don’t mean to be this way. It’s as if a red mist descends over me and I can’t control myself. The need to fix my feelings and take from the one who has dismantled my pride sits inside of me like a lion at the mouth of a cave. Sitting out of sight, and yet ready to pounce.
Brenda slowly lifted the lid off the box. Already the mood of the room had shifted. It was that time of Christmas Day, when all the patience and joy of the morning had slowly weaned off and been replaced by alcoholic intolerance. Now, as the sun sets outside and everyone slowly begins to drift into a food coma, Brenda decides it’s time for a board game.
“Fucking hell Brenda!”
Is what I would yell if I could move my face. Because I know what’s coming. And because Brenda just never seems to learn. Or maybe she just secretly loves to watch us all remember why we don’t see each other the rest of the year. We hate each other. That’ll become clear soon after the first dice has been rolled. We remember that we are related to cheats, to those who treat monopoly like the olympics, and to children who think that this exercise is a game. It’s not.
Slowly I roll off the armchair onto the floor. I eye the door. “I don’t have to play this time” I mutter. I can leave whilst I still have a smidge of respect for these people. I drag my stuffed body across the floor. Digging my nails into the floorboards trying desperately to make it into the hallway before it’s too late. I see others eyeing my attempt. A glint of pride glistening in their pupils.
But I was too late. Brenda had seen me. I should’ve known I’d never make it. The woman will never be happy until we’re all miserable. Who’ll be the dog?” She called. Shit. I still can’t believe she’d hit that low. She knows I can’t let anyone else play the dog. That’s MY piece.
“I will” I welped and collapsed face down onto the floor. She had done it again.
“Stacey, you’re not even dressed!” I looked at him from the doorway, my heart ready to shatter. “I know I’m not dressed. I’m not going.” I stuttered. I knew that I had to be strong but the realisation that I was finally having this conversation was enough to make me feel like jelly. “What do you mean you’re not going?” K replied, “you know how important this night is for me”. “Of course I know how important this night is for you! And that’s exactly why I cannot go.” I paused, taking a breath before finally facing it. “The truth is… I can’t go tonight BECAUSE it’s so important to you, because you need to impress everyone and because… well, I can’t stand and watch you talk to Jen as if nothing happened between us. I know we’re not together and I know we never will be. But I can’t help from wishing things were different. I love you Kevin. Unconditionally, uncontrollably and it kills me that you don’t feel the same. It’s great that you’re making your marriage work but I can’t stand by and watch as if everything is just as before. It’s not. And it never will be again” K paused and sat down in the armchair. We’d never spoken about THAT night, six months ago. I think he thought that I’d forgotten, or that it had meant nothing to me - as it had to him. But I couldn’t pretend any longer. Not at my best friend’s vow renewal.
You know that popular girl at school? The one that every girl wanted to be? Toned with long flowing hair, and who seemed to skip the awkward stage of puberty? Well that was my friend Becks. And you know the girl trailing behind her? The awkward, geeky girl with braces? No, of course you don’t. That was me.
Growing up, Becks was always the life and soul of the party. She knew everyone and did everything and I - just didn’t.
I stayed at home. Studied, watched movies, ate. I know what you’re thinking. That this is some ‘woe is me’ story about my tragic, lonely teenage years. But actually, I loved it that way. I didn’t want to go out every weekend and see people that I’d been trying to avoid all week. I thrived retreated back to the safety of home-base and enjoying uninterrupted relaxation. This lifestyle continued well into college and my early twenties. I don’t see introvertism as a problem, in fact it’s a strength in self-reliance. I don’t have to worry about anything or anyone for the duration of my hiding.
However, the problem with being an introvert is that people often forget that you’re there. Again, I didn’t think this was a problem at first. That was until I started hearing things. Sinister things.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t hear you!” I screamed at the bartender in Zeenos. I was only twenty five and yet already felt too old for this. The bartender have given up on whatever question he’d been trying to ask for the past two minutes and poured whisky into two glasses.
I looked around the club anxiously. I’d only come here for Kai, and it was beginning to look like she wasn’t even coming. Most people get to do what they want on their birthday. Not me, I have to bend to the will of my well-meaning friends and in particular Kai. She practically lived in Zeenos.
Suddenly and arm brushed behind me and I heard murmurs of a woman’s voice. I looked around, it was Kai. “Finally!” I yelled “I thought you’d abandoned me”.
“Don’t be so dramatic” she replied taking a sip of her drink. “And why the **** are we drinking whisky?”
“Me and the bartender have been having some communication issues. Can we go some place quieter now? Where I can actually hear my own thoughts?”
“Who needs to hear their own thoughts? Honestly, you need to relax Blake. Tonight’s about fun!” She whistled at the bartender and made a hand gesture. He nodded and poured two gin and tonics.
“Clearly I don’t belong here. I don’t even speak the same language as you people!” Kai didn’t look over. Clearly my buzzkill mood was taking its toll on the party animal.
“Blake please just try to let loose and party. I really feel like you could love this place if you just give it a chance”. Over Kai’s shoulder I saw JJ sitting in a booth on the other side of the dance floor.
“I tell you what. I’ll let loose if you’ll be my wingwoman”
Kai’s eyes widened and immediately fixed on me. “Are you kidding? Hell yeah!” She passed me a drink. I downed it and began to make my way towards the dance floor. If I was going to spend my birthday in this place I might as well make it worthwhile.
5th October Today I went back. It felt strange to be back in the area that had caused me so much pain. And yet, as the waves brushed against my ankles I felt at peace. As if the past no longer mattered. I was in the present at last. The waves continued to crash and the wind blew my hair back. I lifted my head and screamed into the wind. Screaming the pain into the universe. Releasing what had been slowly destroying me for years. Today was the first day in a very long time when I could see life beyond ‘the incident’.
5th October I saw Betty today. She parked her car by Shropshire Avenue and walked down onto the beach. She didn’t see me. I watched her paddle in the lazy waves. I was sat on the promenade and crouched behind the wall, watching her through a hole.
Then she did something incredible. She started yelling. Nothing specific, just her voice bursting into the atmosphere. Then she calmly walked back to shore, stepped into her car and left. Just like that. I sat there for an eternity, trying to comprehend what I’d just witnessed.
Betty returning to the Bay, three years after what our town had dubbed ‘the incident’. And yelling like that, not caring who could hear or was watching. Something tells me a change is coming.
5th October I saw that girl today. You know, the one that killed her husband. She nonchalantly parked at the beach, screamed at nothing and left. It’s ludicrous that she isn’t in prison. Clearly she’s unhinged. I mean, who kills their husband and then returns to the scene of the crime? I know it was a few years ago now and I know that she got off using diminished responsibility - but still. The town isn’t ready to open that wound.
