Forgive?
Forgiveness has abandoned me,
As my skin twists,
And my expression dulls,
Forgive?
You know not what lurks beneath,
The ugliness which festers in my gullet,
Anger,
Forgive?
Anger beckons me,
And I heed its call,
Tell me what you yearn, so I may snuff it out,
Forgive?
Tell me what you crave, so I may spoil its taste upon your tongue,
Tell me what you fear, so I may feast upon the way you tremble,
Tell me what you hate, so I may embody it,
Forgive?
No,
My anger soothes,
Nurturing the grotesque,
Poisoning my soul,
Forgive?
It is anger I seek,
It is anger I’ll keep.
Who am I when no one’s watching?
Perhaps I’m the narrative of my mind,
Crafted by the viscous mold of trauma,
Or the wickedness of humanity,
Fleeting in its existence, a blight,
An all consuming disease,
I could be the wretchedness of desire,
A lust which permeates deep in my soul,
Must I always sabotage myself?
I am the pretender,
The damned,
The rotting flesh that nurtures soil,
The bone which shines,
Must I die so many times to change?
To recreate myself anew?
No one’s watching,
So I crumble to dust.
“Ya know…”
“What is it this time?” Jake asks, smirking.
She smacks his shoulder, earning a laugh from him, “Let me finish you arse.”
“Hey don’t let me stop you,” he retorts.
“I was gonna say I’m fond of geese.”
“Those absolute satan spawn?”
Rolling her eyes, she can’t help snicker, “Oh stop it, they’re cute.”
“They’re absolute menaces,” He scoffs.
“You’re a menace.”
He looks back toward the frozen lake as his breath mists, “At least explain yourself.”
“I-I just think they’re cute. And the way they walk is funny.”
“Ah yes the terrorize a family unprovoked walk, my favorite.”
She laughs again.
Her gold locs sweep to her shoulder as she faces him, “Cmon, you have to have a favorite bird, yeah?”
He hums in contemplation, “Velociraptor.”
“That’s not-“
“What? Dinosaurs are birds.”
A scowl twists her features, “Jake don’t do this.”
He wiggles his brows, “Do what? Be right?”
“Is you being right worth pissing me off?”
“What’re you gonna do to me? Huh? Huh?”
Silence passes over them for a moment before she turns away, slowly crossing her arms.
“Vel…you better not,” he warns.
“It’s already happening.”
“Vel.”
She’s nearly crossing them now. Thinking fast, Jake scoops a hand full of snow and flings it. She sputters, arms swatting the air, “What the- Jake!”
His laughter rings through the air. Vel tries to fling snow back at him but he’s already blocking with his arm.
“Heh, you fool! You couldn’t possibly defeat the snow god with sn-“
Vel cuts off his villainous monologue by tackling him. They land in a heap of curses, laughter and intertwined limbs.
“Get off me, you’re heavy as hell.”
“Rude,” she huffs, pinning his arms.
As he stares up at her only one word comes to mind. Gorgeous. Sunlight wafts through the grey skies, engulfing her in golden light. Scents of vanilla and lavender intrudes his thoughts, filling them with scenarios he’d rather not address.
“Your nose is running.”
Jake tries wiping it with the back of his hands but she swats at him, pulling out a handkerchief, “Gosh you always find a way to gross me out don’t you?” She says, wiping his nose.
“Thanks, now get of me.”
“Why should I? Scared you can’t throw me off?”
His brow arches and he gives her a look. Within seconds he tries pouncing but she’s quick, using her position to gain an edge on him.
“Totally unfair- and why are you so damn strong?You…eat like once a day…” Jake says through labored breaths.
She sticks his tongue out at him in response. After a minute of struggling he collapses back, “Alright whatever.”
Vel smiles victoriously, loosening her grip. Bad choice. In an instant he throws more snow in her face, earning him another string of curses before he pins her.
“Didn’t I tell ya not to test the snow god?”
“Jake shut the fu…”
Words fizzle out on her tongue. He’s close. Close enough to…
She goes for it, leaving any stray thoughts in the snow as her lips clash against his. His brain short circuits at the sudden warmth, the sudden…softness. His eyes flutter closed while his hand gently cups her face.
She nearly gets lost in it before realizing what’s happening. Vel squeals against his lips, pulling back so fast she gets dizzy. “Wait woah woah…that’s not-“
Jake rubs the nape of his neck, looking away, “I mean you did it…completely unprovoked.”
She shakes her head quickly, “It was totally provoked! Why do you always look at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know…like you want me, or something.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jake shrugs, clearly feigning ignorance.
“I always knew you were a gaslighter at heart.”
He gasps, putting a hand over his heart in playful protest, “Rude.”
The smile tugging her lips pisses her off more, “I hate you.”
“So what are we?”
“Did you seriously just ask that?” She snorts.
“What? I mean you’re kissin’ me n stuff, tackling me, wiping my nose…”
Vel awkwardly rubs her arm, “That’s just…what friends do…”
“Oh so you kiss your friends, hm?”
Silence.
“Thought so.”
She gets up, tugging him with her, “I’m hungry.”
“Hey don’t change the subje-“
Gently, her fingers intertwine with his.
“You know what? Me too,” he sighs.
Hand in hand, the sound of their boots crunching in the snow provides a sense of comfort for them. He sneaks glances at her, his heart jumping each time. She usually isn’t this silent for very long.
“So…”
Vel looks at him in expectation, nearly making him stammer.
“Does this mean I’m right about dinosaurs being birds?”
She slugs him in the arm.
“Ow.”
