I tell myself I’m grateful for the life I have, regardless of my circumstances. The major attachment issues, the crippling anxiety, gosh even the constant isolating feeling that poisons my heart more and more as the days grow longer.
I am grateful, but at what cost?
The unfairness that justifies itself as the bare minimum. The lack of empathy normalised behind the words “at least…”. “My marriage is falling apart….at least you had a marriage” “My dad passed away….at least you knew him” “My life is falling apart….at least you get to live your life”
Ever since the accident I have felt useless, incapable, unworthy, pathetic even. I can’t hold a pen without feeling a sharp pain strike up my forearm. Every time I gaze into the mirror there’s a stranger staring back at me mirroring my movements.
What use to be skin and tissue that shielded my insecurities are now just bone and eschar. All put on display for the world to see my broken, damaged self. I know how the world perceives me, hell I agree with them.
I pity myself, as they do. I avoid eye contact with myself, as they do. I judge myself, as they do.
I notice the pity stares that watch from afar, the heads that turn as I walk by. It’s ironic really, craving attention your whole life just to be left disappointed as it wasn’t at all what you hoped it’d be.
Yet I’m grateful, not for surviving, because that’s what society expects us to be. I mean you can’t grieve without being sent gifts, you can’t mope around without being an attention seeker, you can only take what you get. No matter how shitty or cruel it is, life is unfair and you can only dream of the life you could’ve had. Hope it’s the life to come, no matter the difficulties anchoring you down, pulling you in anticipation to only watch you drown.
I am grateful but only because I am hopeful.
I laid frozen on the cold dead ground as my body completely shut down. Shivers flew down my spine as fear captured my mind and imprisoned it. My shaky hand gripped onto the anchor pendant plastered around my neck as I repeatedly muttered those same words like a psychopath.
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome”
Tears ran down my face as they drained my eyes of life and set fire to the remains, leaving behind an empty and forgotten void.
Only mere moments later I found myself enhanced by a large dark figure. It’s shadow towered over my lifeless frame and surprisingly brought a sense of comfort as it delicately wiped my last few tears.
It was death.
Relieving me of the cruelty this world forced upon me. I felt a flame lit within me as relief flooded my mind and all my past worries had disappeared in a blink of an eye.
I am finally at peace.
A fairytale.
The thing every child dreams about, the one true epic love story, the happiness that lasts a lifetime,the happily ever after everyone is longing for.
All has been crushed in this very moment, within a few seconds, with just five words. “I’m sorry for your loss”
No words can ever muster up the agony in losing a soulmate. The unconditional love that clings to them no matter their faults or actions. The promises that keeps you bound to one another regardless of what others may think. Decisions and sacrifices made merely on a possible future regardless of the fact that it’s unforeseeable.
All eyes were fixated on me as my mind abandoned me and my insides turned inanimate. The tears blurred my vision as I choked back a heavy sob. I felt my heart disintegrate in my chest leaving behind an empty, endless void. Nothing in a hundred lifetimes could ever come close to overthrowing the black hole that now consumes everything in its path, only growing as it feasts on my sorrow. The terror that trails behind me tormenting me every time I encounter your belongings.
Yet no one ever prepared me for the anger that lurks behind the grief. The constant thoughts of unfairness in this world invading my mind. The cruelty that can lead to one taking their own life. No one accounts for the suffering forced onto people, the words that shoot to kill just because someone craves power or because they may seek approval.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel rage cloud my thoughts. The never ending questions on why you felt taking you life was in any way justified. I understand it’s selfish of me to have such a heartless perception. But I think it was selfish of you to rid yourself from this world knowing what it could do to those around you, what it could do to me.
You left me to dwell in isolation as I drown in despair, begging death to take its course immediately. I began to feel the last bit of life drain from me as the floods of water filled my airways and swarmed my lifeless frame. Relieving me from this pain and torture.
One place, thousands of experiences, both good and bad. I look down on all of those around me, when they past by in a haste or as if they have no care in the world. Loud noises always fill the city, flashes of bright colours fill up the once dark sky as they illuminate its surroundings and light up the city of love.
Every day and night, sunrise and sunset, a continuous cycle yet each time is as unique as the other. It’s peaceful at night when I sit awake and watch how the old couples take short walks and all the dogs are taken out for fresh air. The only true peace. The sweet, delicate moments that are taken for granted every day. Nothing compares to the soft breeze that frees you from your struggles, that deep breath you take in as you escape from the world. With no one around to judge as you gaze into the stars, wishing things were different.
The long mornings and loud cars pile up as traffic begins to run larger. It’s absolute chaos. It keeps the twinkling stars hidden as it urges you to get through your day, demanding you to stick to your daily routine.
It’s an endless cycle I can only love and hate at the same time.
The world came crashing down in complete chaos as I scanned my surroundings for her. The world was coming to an end as innocent people fought and grasped for their lives because of a mistake I had made. My mask that often framed my face perfectly hung from the side of my face and revealed half of my pained expression. Agonising screams filled the air as mothers clung to their children.
All this destruction caused by me and yet the only thought that has invaded my mind is her. The most important chapter of my life and I knew I had to be completely honest with. For the last time.
Only moments later I spot her in the far distance as the flames illuminate her mesmerising features. I snap out of the daze of her captivating presence and sprint towards her, pushing my way past as people ran in the opposite direction.
As I ran I felt as though time had slowed down and the universe was against me. She was trapped under a piece of a car door and was covered in severe burns as they showcased her insides. It was torture.
I finally kneeled down in-front of her and held her in my arms, the place she was once destined to lay in.
“You lied to me the whole time. Was I not worth your truth?” her voice croaked out.
“I trusted you..I loved you” her voice cracked. “I’m sorry I really am, I tried to save you it was the only way, I tried to save us” I said as tears ran down my face.
“The person I thought was meant to protect me, murdered innocents for a pay check and hurt me”
“The cancer would of taken you from me, I would sacrifice the world for you, walk through fire for you”
“You sacrificed the world alright, I guess you really do live up to your reputation as a cold hearted assasin don’t you, Ghost ?” She uttered out as she took her last and final breath.
Betrayal. The very reason the person I love most has now been exiled from my heart. The person who had once pumped the blood through my veins as it sat protected in the palm of his hand. The plans of the future are now no more as the past continues to haunt me. I stare blankly at the bed that we cherished, we shared and we had all our firsts in.
He stood there in the corner of the room with his arms crossed, what I hoped would be regret or even sorrow in his eyes was instead filled with pride and no remorse whatsoever. Yet I still couldn’t help but admire his face under the dim light. The beautiful freckles that lit up and left me in awe. All the times he said “I love you” and convinced me that not everyone will leave. He made me think there was hope after all.
However, that thought was soon demolished when I saw the marks that covered his frame… they weren’t mine. The pain rushed back up to the surface and my breathing had began to fall breathless and settled at an uneven pace.
As if my body had a mind of its own I soon found myself out of the door and in my car speeding away. He didn’t call my name and chase after me like they did in the movies. He just let me leave.
“He cheated” I muttered to myself trying to make sense of the situation and persuading myself not to go back. I can’t go back, not again.
It’s ironic, how my biggest fear was everyone around me leaving yet I had left. I did the thing I was most afraid of with no hesitation whatsoever. I left and the blood in my veins are still running. I left and I felt protected and comforted in my own presence, in my car, by myself.
I left.
Muffled laughter filled the air around us, as if we were trapped in a prison of our own. Posters on the wall were suddenly the most intriguing thing we’ve both ever seen as we both fell deeper into the shallow end of the growing tension. The group project was now long forgotten as the nerves grew and loud voices infiltrated my mind.
The once towering brick walls that stood tall with my confidence, have now been left crumbled. All because of a past I wish to forget. All the progress I thought I had made perished in just a few seconds as the feelings buried deep down pushed itself back to the surface.
A loud excruciating silence now fills the atmosphere that once held and protected our most vulnerable past selfs. The deteriorating curtains fall slanted shielding the joys of the outside world. What use to be long walks to the park and endless amounts of freedom is now a black and white memory only you have the key to.
It’s a time I both loathe and ache for.
I miss hearing the ugly laughs that would burst out of our mouths, without a care in the world of what others may think. The excitement that rushed through our blood only fuelling our hearts, as we rushed to see one another. Thinking it was impossible to ever live our days without each other or to even put an end to this indispensable routine.
All before I saw the true intentions behind the jokes you used to wield against me. Now I can’t help but feel irritated by your presence, your voice, your laugh and the remarks you cruelly inflicted me with. The tears that were wasted in countless moments that were only then forgotten the next day.
