i forgave you over and over again. convincing myself that you’d change. one day i thought it’ll happen… but that day never came.

i went to war with myself. i was out of the battlefield everyday, trying to find the good in you. are you aware how long i looked? i searched for hours on end digging and digging. eventually i was able to reach the bottom.

there was only darkness, an empty black pit. i fell to the ground screaming thinking this couldn’t be it. there has to be something for me to find. something for me to continue holding onto.

clinching onto my shirt, i struggle to breathe. the nothingness i found was the answer i needed. i found nothing because there was nothing. there wasn’t any reason to hold onto you an longer.

when she was 6 she wanted to be a princess. when she was 8 she wanted to be a doctor. when she was 10 she wanted to be famous. when she was 12 she wanted to be a singer. when she was 14 she wanted to be skinny. when she was 16 she wanted to be loved. when she was 18 she wanted to be dead. she turned 19 trying to find a meaning in her life. wanting to make a change in her life. growing up we all have this dream of a happy fairytale that we see in movies. picturing that we will find our prince charming that will rescue us from that tower, have that beautiful wedding and knowing that he was the one. that changed the perspective of kids growing up. thinking that everything in the world is going to have a happy ending. that’s not reality. reality is going through the challenges that were put in front of us, the obstacles that we need to untangle to understand the meaning of life and to be happy. when she was almost 20 she threw out the past and the fairytale of the future. she focused on the present, going day by day finding her meaning in life.

the honeymoon phase they call it. you both can’t get enough of each other, your each others every thoughts, dreams, and smile. it feels like their the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. you’re happiness. you’re person. but then as time passed those dreams turn into nightmares, the smile turns into tears, and the thoughts turn into pain, heartache, and sadness. you didn’t know that last kiss on the forehead as he was leaving in the morning was going to be the last, or the last hug goodbye would be the final time you’d be wrapped in his arms, intertwined, getting the sent of his cologne as he walks out the door. the last everything. final everything. ‘you’re person’. he’s gone. vanished from your life in the split of a second. having to try to remember the sound of his voice, hearing his favourite song on the radio- not him playing it and singing it with you. trying to remember the memories of what you were. then thinking what you could’ve been. “maybe if i didn’t say this” “maybe if i tried harder” “maybe if i was more pretty, more his type” more this more that. just better. maybe just maybe it could’ve worked out better in the end. maybe there could’ve been one more kiss, one more sleepover, one more good dream. but again, that’s why people call it the honeymoon phase. it doesn’t last forever.

an easy game of rock paper scissors. rock breaks scissors, paper covers rock, scissors cuts paper. ready rock, paper, scissors go. i picked rock he picked paper. he covered up the lies he told i wanted to play again, i wanted to try to win ready rock, paper, scissors go. i picked paper he picked scissors. he cut the hope of us being together in half. i wanted to play just one more time and win. ready rock, paper, scissors go. i picked scissors he picked rock. rock breaks scissors. i was the scissors and he was the rock. he broke me. such a simple game ends up me loosing to him every time. wanting to win, letting him retry over and over again just so i might have the slim chance of me winning him back. changing the outcome so i finally get it. repetitively taking the risk of losing again. but i always thought there was still a chance so let’s play again ready rock, paper, scissors go.