I feel the burn of tears behind my closed eyes as I come back to myself. I don’t wake gasping or shouting or even the smallest bit surprised. My mind has been dragging me in and out of itself my whole life, raging in an eternal, internal war.

A war I am fated to lose every time, as I am clawed at and changed and twisted beyond recognition. Where I am broken and brake others, where I am loved and kissed and smothered and broken once more.

My past, forever haunting my present.

Splat. The bacon hits the bottom of the pan and I watch it-

Sizzle. I wonder, as I sit, one last time, at my table why my thoughts must move as fast as the bees-

Buzz. An overwhelming serenity cascades upon me as I approach my window and on the floorboards, my boots-

Bang. Deep breaths are my last companion as my hands brush the locks and pushes the clasp open with a-

Click. The cool ledge meets my rising feet and the wild wind calls my name in a-

Whisper. Billowing breezes truly feel like freedom as my gown flows and pulls me down, down into the night’s-

Moans. Air has never tasted fresher and the lands never more beautiful as my body hits the ground with a-

Thud.

Farsickness. To be homesick for a place you have never been. A feeling I have been far to familier with my whole life. But now that twisting, shifting emotion has melted away. Left- a euphoric feeling of contentment. A weight lifted. The wind through my hair. My clothes flapping wildly behind me. I close my eyes just before I hit the ground. Death embraces me.

Unconventional feelings forming an infamous floordrob right next to my wardrobe. Abandoned goals hidden under my bed. Diminished dreams loom over me in a mound by my door, trapping me, mocking me, scolding me. A projection of my intrusive thoughts lain in uncompleted, unorganised chaos. A reflection of my mind strewn into reality. Trapped within myself. No way out, just Me. Myself. And I.

It came to me like snails come to gardens: ready to consume. My muscles tightened: paralysed by fear. Bile rose in my throat: slowly choking. The feeling washed over me: suffocating me.

Let them go today, she made a mental note in her head. Set them free once more. Say goodbye to your only friends, though are they really friends of yours. Locked up in a cage. Forced to stay that way. Yet to serve their purpose, Shielded till the day.....

I hadn’t come back here in 14 years. 14 years were I couldn’t bring myself to even acknowledge this wretched lake because every time it would worm it’s way back into my train of thought, a wave of nausea would come crashing down, flooding images of your struggling face on me. Of me turning my back on you as your arms flailed and your head sunk bellow the surface. Of the wind hitting my face as I ran home through the dead of night. Of phone calls about a terrible tragedy. Of false alibis and real tears. Of accusations and interviews and regret. Of my escape and your undoing.

“she spent her whole life running from death, hidden in the shadows, concealed around corners but if she had slowed down, maybe he would have too.”

Too late. He was too late. There she lay, motionless, as dead as the autumn grass. Even though she looked the same as she did when her heart beat struck, full of life, there was something in her eyes, no it wasn’t that, there was nothing in her eyes that’s what scared him. They were just empty and hollowed out, drained was the magic they carried with her smile. He could only meet her empty gaze for so long before he abruptly bent down to close them. His chest felt like it was going to implode, all he wanted was to tear the lid off of all the feelings he had bottled up so long ago. But he couldn’t, because if he started to be afraid, he would never stop, he would lose sight of that last string of hope that was holding him together. So he stood up once more, holding back an avalanche of emotions, he wouldn’t let her or any of their sacrifices be for nothing, not when there was still so much to fight for. And with that he turned away.