Pen to the paper The questions are a blur My mind feels drunk Not sure how to answer

I think of boys Of the touch of a man Palms together Holding hands

He feels warm He feels like honey on toast I thought if only his presence Wasn’t that of a ghost

I put my pen to the paper Fill in C if unsure Will I feel that warmth enough Is the man my cure

Without touch Without a hug that lights up my senses How am I to live To tear down my fences

I sit in the exam room I think I should mention It’s cold in here What’s the next question?

I was ruined as a child The cure known to nobody The pain mine to harbor The death of myself going further Steps forward and steps back There is no right track

A chemical introduced in my youth A chemical to confuse what is truth Sent into karmic torture Medicated so we can’t feel the damage Festering under the bandage

A child introduced to the devil Deciding to take a walk with him Knows not who to blame When it seems now that she can’t escape him

Adulthood is too much to bear Shame repressed in the air I am missing an eye People gag and cough at my mind

The illness will spread And though you may not notice, Awareness we lack, It’ll all come undone and you won’t know until there’s no going back

Everywhere I go Never alone Stuck to my surroundings Mind confounding Spreading confusion In this web of illusion I am the burden Leave me to rot

If you get something out of me you’ve got what you needed If you are here for me you end up regretting my birth

Forced to witness the terror of a damaged existence

Calming is around you. You feel the earth beneath you. The ground starts shaking, to the point you crumble and become a tumbleweed in the wind, standing without feet.

In the wind you feel your soul, bright and calm. Calmness sways, like a soft rhythmic song: a song in your heart and in your mind. Your mind is serene, unknowing and unseeing. Being a tumbleweed is simple, and you don’t have to worry. Just sway and tumble, tumble around and forget who you are. You will find yourself here: here in the moment, in the desert, moving along the dirt and sand, under the sun.

There is a return to your being, and after knowing something so trivial, you understand that you are no different from the earth, the plants, the dust, and the sky.

The sun is in the sky and in the soul. How a star emits visible light, your spirit emits invisible light. This light, feeling, and energy exists inside our body, and when we notice it, it fills our being. To project this light outward and express the nature of our psyche is our venture in life, accompanied by an inward journey of identification and mastery, a process of unveiling, and an understanding of truth that nobody can take away from you. A life is meant to be lived to this fulfillment, and the process is unique to each individual while having universal similarities. Don’t give up; with each breath you understand a little more about the core of yourself. And in so, you understand the nature of life itself.

A tiger: ruthless, forthcoming, strong, loving, and relaxed. She is above average height, toned, zen, and has simple but impeccable style. A yellow fitted tee with baggy black harem pants compliment her physique, and she has long, wavy hair complimented by gold hoop earrings. She knows that she cannot figure the world out, so she lives life carefree and simple. Nobody can test her, or they’ll get scratched. Being intimidating has its consequences. Living in a sort of solitude, her presence doesn’t need help to survive. She is quick and unbothered. What kind of animal do you like? Why do you like them? What qualities about them do you admire? I love tigers, but I guess I’m more like a bunny than a tiger.

I decided to run. I took an old vehicle 1400 miles from home to explore the terrain. I needed out; this wasn’t just a split second decision. If I were to just take off with no plan I would probably find myself in an even worse situation than I started in. No, I saved up the money, quit my job, waited until my apartment lease was up, and prepared with supplies and training. The wilderness is daunting, so a national park would have resources for me to use. Yellowstone in Wyoming: my parents had taken me there as a kid, and it’s a big place. I see a waterfall surrounded by beautiful cliffs made of actual yellow stone. Atop the cliff is land and mountains for miles. What if I just took a map and started a trail? I could walk and find plants to eat based off the “plant identification guide” I got from my friend. There’s a couple hours till sundown, and I should be able to find a place to camp out with the tarp in my backpack. As I walk, the trees are beautiful. As the sunlight glimmers through them, I watch the path: dirt brown, covered in leaves and roots. Actually, the roots look funny, like they’re leading towards somewhere. “Huh,” I think. “I guess I should follow them. What have I got to lose?” The second I took a step in the direction of the roots, an angry spirit appeared and flipped the world upside down. “How did you get here?” It says. “Do u want to go down this path?” I think and think. “Why not?” Another spirit shows up. “WARNING!” He says. This can lead to a place that you can’t come back from. “What kind of place could that be?” I thought. They now lead devious smiles at me. “You want to know?”They said. Come with us. Chanting glided into my ears and surrounded me as my body fell limp. They dragged me to a dark place, what seemed to be the middle of the earth. They showed me another version of myself behind a barrier, blissed out of my mind, literally. In this version, I was so happy that my family was terrified for my being, and I felt so much bliss that I couldn’t move my body. I wasn’t even worried enough to get up to go to the bathroom. I would sit there, soiled, with not a care in the world. I also had no capacity to understand language. I had to choose; Is this kind of happiness worth the loss of my family? Is it worth the loss of myself? Will the people I care about not matter in the same way? This seemed like the hardest thing on the world to face. Things kept coming to my mind: “Will I be able to survive?” “What about setting up my tarp?” “The sun is gonna be gone soon.” All of it seemed not to matter anymore in the place I’m in. All of these things were trivial. I wanted to run away, right? I don’t want my family, my friends, my apartment, my job. I want liberation, right? It’s so ingrained in me to care about these people, or care about what they think of me. I’m terrified of not coming back at this point. How would everyone feel? Well, I don’t know how everyone could manage this image of me, but I am curious to experience this bliss, even if just for a second. “Do u want to cross the barrier?” They said. I looked behind me, at the beautiful forest, the sun going down, the shadows increasing. When I turned to look back, I tripped. Immediately the light of bliss pulled me to the other side. I saw my body, my mind, my heart, all let go. I merged with this vegetable of a person I am, and understood where I was at. “I am gone,” I thought. My family will never know me again, and I can’t go back to normal. This is the worst thing that could happen to me, my biggest fear. Losing everyone, including myself, and living a life where I am practically dead. But I’m not dead; I am worse than dead. I am in a state of uncontrollable mind. Language has broken apart, and I don’t know who I am at all, I just know that I have found something. A light, a release of everything keeping me intact with this world. I am gone.

I find myself in a castle. There’s a tall, big man with black hair and a dark look. He is terrifying for some reason, so I struggle trying to find my way out. The exit comes quick, and I tell the dark man that I’m sorry I have to leave, running out the door. He smiles and shouts something vague as I try to find my car. Instead, I find a familiar minivan with two old friends there to accompany me. They told me this is Boggart’s Castle. They also said those are probably the only words he would ever say to me. All the sudden, I find myself back in the castle. This time, each time I try to exit, I find a new hallway, but they all look the same. I look at my phone, and can barely get to my messages. “Good luck.” I see from one of the friends I had just seen. I can’t text him back, at some point I realize my phone is useless. I’m in this castle, and I have officially gone crazy. There is no exit, and I am so lost I can’t even use a phone. I know and realize I’m dreaming. I tell myself, “Just close your eyes really hard and try to wake up.” After closing my eyes, it seems as if I’ve woken up, but I quickly find myself in another hallway of the castle. This is how I will be forever, stuck in this dream, and when I wake up I will be so confused and affected that I appear crazy to everyone else, forever. I have lost myself. “HUUUUUUU!” I breathe in suddenly as I find myself awake in bed. I sigh. “I am so glad I’m alive.” I think.

I get up, increasingly terrified of the trip I just had. “In the bathroom I can get some water.” I think. I turn on the faucet and open my mouth, yet I can’t. I look in the mirror and there’s only skin where my mouth is. I am sure I’m awake, and in horror, I realize I have changed forever. I can’t speak to anyone I love ever again. At midnight, I lay alone in bed, to be something I’m not familiar with. Changed, terrified, and sunken I rest.

Take me far away, where I find myself astray, and in that confusion, I relieve all delusion.

I find myself wanting to run. Settling into my new apartment, it just seems to be a place where I am trapped once more. I want to go far away; I want to be true. Downsize, my thoughts say. Live small, live with full effort, and live free. This society, can I be a part of it while being free? Where will I find my freedom? Can I find it in my soul, in the people around me, or in a new environment?

Laying in the middle of a meadow, lush and green with trees comfortable to sit under and branches made to lay on. There is a stream of running water and an orchard in the distance. The temperature varies, but only a little. When it’s cold and rainy, I have blankets and shelter. When it’s sunny and hot, I can sit in the shade or lay naked to sunbathe. Various plants grow and I can pick grapes from the vine or dig up carrots to munch on. I stay refreshed with the water from the spring. As I lay here, I think about the roads I could travel, the people I could meet, and the dangers I could overcome. I love it here, my home with the quietude of nature and freedom. Though, there must be more out there. I prepare myself with a dagger and a spear, layers of clothing for the changing weather, a supply of nuts and vegetables, a water purifying bottle, and sturdy shoes. I am prepared for war and adventure.

My ego sees him as angry, manic, and addicted. Overcome by anxieties, he sighs and vents his stresses. I’m here to listen and understand, letting him fizz out to the passing of his emotions. Eight years of therapy has taught me to listen. People may be able to discover what they are feeling and how it reoccurs in their themes of life. That’s how people work, so I listen to him. Each time it feels harsh, like I’m not helping. How can he feel so disappointed in himself? And every time, he tells himself that he needs to be better. He’s not enough; he is a failure in his core and the only way to overcome or heal this feeling is a bandaid which says, “But it will be okay, I will be okay.” I wrack my brain trying to help him feel good in the moment, to feel like he has control over his emotions. Understanding and thinking out your misconceptions of yourself leads to greater realization, right? At some point he tells me that he is afraid of losing control. Well, most of us are. Losing control is terrifying, but can lead to some of the best moments, I think. But for him, it leads to bad experiences. Is there a way to deal with this fear? Am I equipped to guide him? I mean, my experiences are different from his, so how can I help if I don’t understand? The prompt of this is how a misunderstanding can lead to bad consequences. I guess, I’m afraid I may be misunderstanding the best way to deal with this. I want to help him deal with his fear, but maybe fears are there to run from. Maybe the unfolding of experiencing what he’s afraid of will destroy him. My wishes would be that it gives him the experience to regain control and know how to let go without it being a disaster. My philosophy is that letting go brings freedom, but how do I even take it upon myself to let go of that concept, and listen deeper to know what he’s dealing with? Maybe it’s not even as simple as a fear of losing control, who knows? I guess this has spun out a bit. Basically, can I understand him while still supporting him? I can’t let my ideas get in the way of his development. And I don’t want a misunderstanding of my own do lead to more problems.

My life in shambles. The world is grey, dull, and unencumbered by any stability of truth. The ash is filling my lungs as my home is burnt to the point of no return. How did I think this would go? Did I think destroying my relationships and letting anger become manifest in my soul would be a way to freedom? Why does there seem to be no choice between a life of forced polite behavior or a life of destruction. I fall to my knees, broken like the state of my surroundings. If only I could disintegrate to my purest form, nourish the earth, and return, as my home has. There’s no escape. The rush of emotion after emotion shackles my brain and doesn’t let me go. Am I as empty as what I’ve created? I am nothing short of a meaningless escapade as the life I’ve lived. There’s no redeeming quality, just tragedy after tragedy falling deeper into chaos and problematic venture. How did I think to get here? Did I not think at all? The ending is here. I remember the womb of my mother and the warmth of freedom. It’s interesting that trapped inside of somebody else’s body, unmoving, unable to act, is maybe the most free we’ve ever been. I can’t think of anything I need at this moment. Even when it’s all gone, I don’t know who I am. I forget that problems are just problems, and this too shall pass. My heart knows there’s no ending, and I wither away as a false-lived life returning to die. How can you die if you were never truly alive? What dies is your dreams, your anxieties, your fears, and your love. You are nothing, and that is maybe what you were meant to be all along. You don’t know what you are, but you know that in the end, it doesn’t matter.