belonging is entitlement sometimes for the better or worse

it can be a boost of confidence you can scream “i belong here!”

it can be an object that airport security has taken away

it can be a state of mind where you have chosen to stay

it is the alphabet, because A needs B as much as Y needs Z they all have their places, and so they shall belong

belonging is flexible, and varies depending the circumstance

belonging is intitlement but it’s also just a word

Do you have a particular thing you like to do?

IT SAID: I like to eat

Is there anything in particular you like to eat?

IT SAID: yes

Do you return to that thing time after time?

IT SAID: yes

Then that would be called your favorite.

IT SAID: okay

Now imagine that favorite thing to eat was your best friend.

IT SAID: i do not want to imagine eating my best friend

But you want to to return to it when you get the chance, right?

IT SAID: yes

Do you want to return to your best friend whenever you get the chance?

IT SAID: yes

That is what us humans call love.

IT SAID: do you love your favorite things

In my opinion, that is what makes them our favorites.

IT SAID: others of your species can be your favorites

Yes.

IT SAID: okay

On Earth, we choose to refer to our hearts to symbolize this.

IT SAID: you keep your favorites in a blob in your chest

Pretty much.

IT SAID: the same blob that keeps you alive

Well again it’s just metaphorical

IT SAID: met-met

Doesn’t matter. If our blobs were capable of storing, that is where our favorites would go.

IT SAID: humans are stupid

We can make this work I can be high maintenance But I am loyal Suppose we get in a fight Love you no matter who’s right

my mind is not a peaceful place broken glass and crumbled walls past arguments and spoken slurs echo down my marble halls stress and red lace the ceilings fragile portraits capture my feelings I hate my guts and my friend dressed in pink i love my clothes but i’m not what you’d think sometimes i go days without thinking to eat

but it’s alright

things are always changing and in my reflection is a rushing river shifting as it flows i may be mistaken but i think i’m starting to grow i like what I see eventually I will learn to love me

“Alright then,” I say after the audience stops applauding. Someone clears their throat and my eyes draw to them. Oh. It’s Serafina. Of course. What better place to find you judgmental but also very nerdy ex, than at a seminar about the scientific method. I want to be clear right now, that I didn’t ask to speak, but then some smart dude with connections to the even smarter scientific community saw my end of junior year project at the science fair and aproached my table and asked for my parents and it became a whole thing; now I’m in a college lecture sized classroom and today, tomorrow, and a week from yesterday, I have to talk about (and fairly represent) Archimedes’ Bouyancy Principle. But lemme tell ya, I do. not. want. to.

Mostly because I will pretty much be talking out of my behind the whole time, and now that Serafina is sitting two seats to left of center stage and eight rows up, I might as well be attempting to sing in Mandarin. Which I can’t do, by the way.

“Umm,” _Don’t say um too many times. It make you look stupid! _“So let’s get s-s-started, yeah? First I’d like to say th-thank you to Mr. Lawrence Brinnson for um, talking to me at the science fair.” I glance up at Serafina. All she does is raise an eyebrow. I begin to think of my options if this doesn’t go well. One; I could bury myself under my sheets until someone tells me to read my parents’ will, then trudge to some random church in a black jumpsuit and my mother’s heel boots. No that’s too dark. Two; I could read every single scientific philosophy book until my eyes close and don’t open again. Alright I need to get away from this idea of death. “ I was flattered when you told me that my project deserved public attention.”

Serafina is the smarter one here. It sucks that I still kinda like her. Also sucks that mom’s ‘_baby girl’ _did one smart thing and now she’s here. This isn’t going to go well, but here we are. I’m just going to breath, ignor Serafina, and open my mouth.

i dont understand it becus ive never seen papa cry befor and ive never seen mama so cuiet in my hole life today we went to a big bilding with a lotta benches that were rilly smooth and my family was sat in the front and the sealing was rilly far away thare was a big box and it was also rilly smooth it lookd like a door becus it was open but was posishand so i cudnt see and evrybody wokd up but my uncle took me to the back and papa went up to it and wisperd sumthing in to the box and then so did mama and i thot it was weerd but i wanted to see wat was in it but thay didnt let me go up becus they sed i was to yung and i wood understand wen i got older and wen we were driving home it was raining so i asked if we cud get starbucks becus i wanted hot coco and papa sed not today so mama told him that after wat just hapend i deservd a treat and thay argude and papa kept yeling no but mama shouted at him and she wun the fite and got on her fone and papa yeld at her to keep her ise on the rode and she sed that evrything was fine and she was fine and i was fine and he was fine and evrything was fine and then thay sat in silens and i sat in silens with them then we got to starbucks and mama ran thru the rain to get inside so then me and papa sat in the car and watchd the rain fall down the windows and then i asked wat was in the box and papa sed that evrybody is luvd by at leest one uther person but sometimes humans get to tired and broken for the luv to protect them from evil things he sed that eventully humans move on to a difrent part of life ware thay are luvd but in a difrent way and sometimes it herts to have to let them be luvd by somewun els i askd him if luv was in the box and he sed it was sumthing like that

Five year old me wouldn’t know until I was nine that ‘luv in a box’ was just a euphemism for my dead grandfather.

Memory breathes Present aches Yearning suffocates Future awaits.

“ I think it was a tornado. Like in The Wizard of Oz.” She says. “ I think that’s foolish.” I say. “ So then what do you think caused it?” She says “ Simple human error.” I say. “ You think that about everything.” She says. “ Indeed I do.” I say. “ Huh.” She says. “ Huh indeed.” I say. “ Stop being a smart ass.” She says. “ Smart ass indeed.” I say.

silence __

“ Or maybe it’s just an illusion, and the house is sound, as are the inhabitants.” She says. “ Possibly, and this was not a human error, if anything a success. Perhaps they intending to cast unease upon the onlookers.” I say. “ How savage.” She says. “ With great power comes great opportunities for harmless shenanigans.” I say. “ Shenanigans indeed.” She says.

We all would’ve been better off, if you hadn’t told me where you actually were last night. We just can’t be friends anymore. This was how it was supposed to go:

You come over at seven. Together, we leave my house at 7:25. We drive to Angelica’s house to pick her up around 7:40. At approximately eight o’clock, we would arrive at the party. The deal was that we leave at ten. That’s the responsible thing to do. You know how much my grades and street credibility matter to me. We drop of Angelica, she’s home at roughly 10:30, we get home 10:45 and you stay the night.

THAT

WAS

THE

DEAL.

Here’s what really happened:

I can’t find you at 10. We agreed to meet in front of the staircase at ten sharp. I even told you 9:45 because you can’t be on time for s**t. Angelica was there. I was there. But you weren’t. I guess you couldn’t be bothered. Typical. I was too tired to care. So I shrugged and Angelica and I left. You know, without you, we even arrived eight minutes early. At some point I got a text from Keinan McGill saying she was taking you home. What isn’t said is always key.

It doesn’t matter. You told me later anyways. I’d ask if you remember confessing as you stumbled up the stairs to my bedroom, but I know better.

When the cops come, they’ll be here for you because everyone else was too drunk to give strong alibis and ratted you out. If they take me in for questioning, I’ll answer strongly and surely, sober and fully aware of what happened. I will not be involved further, neither will Angelica.

I hope the back of the cop car is lavish.

in a bright blue beanie _ _ under a willow tree _ she sits_ _ and i cant tell_ who is weeping more — _ her,_ _ or the willow?_