Too much light Poked, prodded, blown on A giant lab coat swirls around Nose hairs Cystic acne Scribbled gibberish on a white piece of paper I can clearly read the “Hmmms” and “Ahhhs” from their lips Pressure mounts up Tension and dull pain radiate No matter how much I try…the letters fade Black and crisp now gray and blurry Maybe not forever Maybe just one more year Darker and darker my world becomes Until one day its all gone Only noises remain In this bleak, bleak world
Was I the only to see them? To see them as they truly were? I begged my mother not to go outside when they visited. But she shushed me away. “How dare you disrespect our angels like this? They come all the way from heaven just to bless us with their presence and here you are making stories up about them! You should be ashamed of yourself.” She snapped.
“Mother, please, I know what I saw! The red haired one had fangs and her eyes turned bl-“ my mother slapped me across the face. She had never done that before. Never so much as raised her voice at me. With tears in her eyes she stood her ground.
“Never again will I hear you disrespect our elders, our angels or our way of living. You have no idea what this tribe has been through. Stay inside and don’t you dare make a sound. I don’t want the angels knowing you’re here. I’m so disappointed in you.” And she walked out, head hanging low, ashamed of who she raised. I shriveled up into a ball and cried myself to sleep.
A loud bang on my door woke me up. I laid there, eyes wide open, wondering who could possibly be rude enough to bang on our door in the middle of the night. The ground began to rumble and my goat ran by my window screaming. Now I could hear. I heard it all. People screaming all around. I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen, it took all the strength in me to jump out of bed and look out the window. To this day I wish I hadn’t. Fires burned all the houses, animals were ripped open, bleeding out all over the ground. The animals I took care of and raised since they were babies. In the distance I saw the old couple next door kneeling in front of one of the angels, i saw them shivering, heads low, crying into each other’s hands and before i could think my next thought their heads rolled on the floor towards my direction. Their faces frozen in shock and misery.
My stomach tinged in pain as I heard footsteps approach my window.
“Is that all of them?” A small framed, brown haired angel asked.
“Yes, they brought everyone out to worship. Let’s gather the last of them and head back.” A huge, blonde haired angel responded.
I held my breath as the blonde angel stood still, as if sensing something. I could feel his breath go in and out, right outside my window. Could he hear me breathing too? He took a step toward my window, I shoved my hand into my mouth even harder, holding back tears.
“SIR! We have one left! It says it has information we need! It’s not on our list, what should we do?”
The huge blonde angel took a deep breath and turned to answer the other angel, they sprinted off in the opposite direction. I still didn’t breathe, I held my breath until my body started convulsing. When I was finally about to pas out I shoved my face into a pillow and breathe as quietly and purposefully as I had ever done in my life. I passed out. When I awoke, the sun burned my cheek. My head was so fuzzy I thought I was still dreaming. But the smell of blood and burnt embers reminded me of where I was.
“Mama!” I ran to the front door and opened it, my mother rolled onto my feet, blood covered and on her last breathes. Why hadn’t I come out earlier? Why wasn’t I brave enough to have opened the door hours ago? Why did I fall asleep? I held her in my arms and felt the last of her earthly breaths on my cheek.
With the last ounce of strength she quietly whispered, “not…our….love…i-i….forgi-“
I wailed in the deepest pain I had ever experienced up to that point in my life. I didn’t care if those angels heard me. I didn’t care if they came back and ripped my head off my body. I just wanted to be with my mother. I killed her. If I hadn’t passed out, I could have found her and maybe saved her life. I dug my nails deep into my skin and screamed a scream so loud the birds flew away. The world faded again and i was out.
The next time I awoke the sun was setting. It was the most beautifully tragic scene I had ever seen in my life. The way the sun set on all the colors of red and brown on the ground, the walls, the trees, it was breathtaking. The roaring fires of the night before were now just smoke piles. Flies and rodents began to gather around the mounds of dead bodies, both human and animal. For some reason the rays of the sun seemed to reflect off the pools of blood making it look like a painting. A hellish paining I was now living in. I got up and did exactly what my mother would have done, I cleaned-except there was no prayer coming out of my lips. There was nothing to say. The next few days and nights, I cleaned. I cleaned all the bodies, what was left of them, and I burned them in our tribes way. Except, again, no prayer. I quietly said goodbye to the people I loved and cared for. As the days went by, and I put my tribe to rest one by one, I realized, not everyone was there. My best friend Lilik, the neighborhood gossip Manteo, our eldest elder Running Deer, and a few others. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. Where were the missing people? Why us? Why my tribe? Who did I pray to? I was only a child. We had just celebrated my 14th year of rotating around the sun. The universe was playing a cruel trick on me. I was all alone. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a loving family to help me sort out my problems. I would never hear the bell my mother would ring to signal me to come home, I would never run down to the river and dip my toes in the cool water with my friends, my life as I knew it was over.
After I burned the dead, I trekked to our people’s holy spot on the hill. Knife in my hand, I was ready to join my people on the other side. I kneeled and I thought about all the sweet things my family and friends did for me. Tears in my eyes, I pulled the knife up high and took my last deep breath-and then I felt a warm glob fall on my hand. Was that-was that bird shit?? A crow with grey feathers cawed at me. Mocking me really. I wiped the shit off my hands and proceeded to lift the knife. Another crow came bit me on my neck.
“OW! What are you doing?? STOP!!” I screamed. The birds cawed at me and stood their ground. “I just want to be with my mother!! Leave me alone!” The birds didn’t budge. I wailed in grief and disappointment, I couldn’t even kill myself right, even my suicide attempt was riddled in humiliation. I sobbed. I was lost. So defeated. So purposeless. As I laid in th grass crying, a shadow came up behind me. I didnt freeze this time. I figured it was one of the angels who came back to finish the job, I closed my eyes and accepted my fate. As I shivered in the grass, the softest, kindest hand touched my shoulder and my whole body relaxed, i knew I was safe.
“You are not alone. We need your help. You’re time is not done yet, little one. We will be there with you each step of the way. Find her. The one with the red fire feather.”
And just as quickly as the presence came, it was gone. I sat up and looked around. No one. Not even the annoying birds. I sat there and stared out into the wilderness. I knew I had to make a choice. So I stood up, and accepted my fate. I walked back to my village and gathered my things.
“You’ve got the wrong guy!” He shouted, dazed and confused.
Hard, calloused hands grabbed him by his ripped Metallica shirt. The dark suited men with stoic eyes said nothing as they shoved his face into the pillow on his couch and hog tied him.
“STOP! Please Stop! I don’t know what you’re doing? Why are you doing this?” He yelled more.
The suits nodded at one another and wrapped this mouth with the towel left on the floor. All he could feel was the sharp prick as the needle went into his thigh. Clear sky’s turned into mush and the crisp song his caged bird sang no longer resonated.
“Should we do it now?” Agent 1 asked.
“No, we need to take him in. Those are orders from up top.” Agent 2 replied.
“Jesus he’s huge. Why don’t they come do it themselves.” Agent 1 complained.
“Shut up and do your job.” Agent 2 snapped.
The hog tied man warily opened and shut his eye as the two suits dragged him down the hall. With the last ounce of strength he could muster he flopped his hand hard into the cabinet he was passing by on the floor and grabbed an object before the two men could see. The two men stop in front of the door.
“It’s late, let’s be quick, no one should see.” Agent 1 said.
Both men bent down to roll him into a bag, and as Agent 1 kneeled over him, he stabbed him right in the neck, blood spurting all over his mouth. Before Agent 2 could react the man grabbed the back of his neck and threw his body over the Agent. The two men wrestle for the sharp object sticking out of Agent 1’s neck. He quickly loses strength as the medicine he was given is kicking back in, but the last bit of force he had in him, he swoops the agent face first into the blunt side of the knife sticking out of Agent 2’s neck, ripping right into eye. Blood pools over both agents, slowly making its way to him. He breathes heavily. He won. This round. But he know soon someone else will come after him, hopefully he will be coherent enough to wake up in time to leave before they do.
My best friend died. They died on another planet. In another dimension. Now they float. Endlessly until they reach me again. Spirals. Lunging forward, dropping backwards, spiraling round and round. I find them in my mind sometimes. Deja vu. Dreams. Sleep like trances while i drive. They wont be long. I feel them close by. I cant wait to remeet you best friend.
Peace didn’t live there. It never really did. Anxiety and stress reigned supreme in the tiny, artless, half empty, beige apartment. Stability didn’t live there either. Hence the tiny, artless, half empty, beige apartment, with no need for furniture because we couldn’t stay longer than a few months. Money didn’t live there consistently. Hence living in the tiny, artless, half empty, beige apartment with no need for furniture we couldn’t stay longer than a few months in because of the alcoholic who couldn’t keep a job for more than a couple weeks. Love didn’t live there anymore. Which is why we lived in the tiny, artless, half empty, beige apartment with no need for furniture that we couldn’t stay in longer than a few months in because of the depressed alcoholic who couldn’t keep a job for more than a couple weeks and tormented those closest to him. Life died there. Because when you live in a tiny, artless, half empty, beige apartment with no need for furniture you can’t stay in for longer than a few months because of the depressed, abusive, alcoholic who can’t keep a job for more than a couple weeks and torments the tiniest people he supposedly cares for…then the littlest ,tiniest peoples light dies. It dies slowly, and sadly. And it no longer matters if money, stability, love or peace live their anymore because anxiety and stress reign supreme.
Held, beheld, beloved Tiny arms Chunky fists Round chubby cheeks Held, beheld, beloved Swirly curls Bright brown eyes Soft tummy rumbles Held, beheld, beloved Cut up arms Scared up wrists Sunken cheeks Held, beheld, beloved Long lost locks Dimmed out eyes Im done with lies Held, beheld, beloved
My crimson obsession locked her into place. Movement was no longer available to her. Up and down she desperately moved her body trying to break free of the ropes that bound her, but the harder she struggled, the stronger the knot. Oily sweat ran down her forehead, trickling past her chapped lips, whimpering sweet nothings into the air. I could almost feel the pain resonating through the air, but I stopped that in its tracks.
“Why are you doing this?” She weakly asked.
I had no answer. I didn’t want to have an answer, so instead I stared at her. Stared deep into her soulless body, deep into her bleached blonde strands of hair, deep into the sick, sick world she created in her brain.
“Pleasssee. I’ll give you anything. I’m rich. I can give you anything you want.” She mumbled.
Pathetic. Waste of space. Waster of air. Her mother should have aborted her the minute she knew she was pregnant. I stood in front of her, this time I could feel my chest heaving, finally hear my thoughts begin to race to my head. The more I looked at her, the more I knew I did the right thing. The more the numbness began seeping into anger. But wait! I couldn’t lose my shit yet. I had to expose this bitch for the demon she truly was. Gingerly I walked to my blue backpack and pulled out a small box. My back to her, I could feel her eyes glaring at me, even half dead and crying she still had some fight in her, which is why I had to be careful how I handled this next part. I picked up the charm in my hand on gently placed it on the floor in front of her.
“What is that?” She was completely confused, annoyed almost.
Nothing came out of my mouth.
“WHAT IS THAT?! GODDAMIT! I DON’T FUCKING DESERVE THIS!!! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!?”
I stood there, almost dumbfounded by her lack of humanity. And that’s when it all hit. All the rage, all the devastation, all the heartbreak came barreling towards me and in that-to her. I picked up the small metal bird and walked over to her, bird in hand.
“You don’t remember this?” I asked quiet as a mouse.
“No? What the fuck is that? What does this ugly fucking bird have to do with me?!” She screamed.
“Answer-“
The metal bird once on the floor, then in my palm, was now rammed in her esophagus. The gurgling from her choking on her own blood was the only sound in the room. I stood there. Numb. Happy. Relieved. This monster would never hurt anyone again. I saved the world from another Karen.
I wrapped the body in Saran Wrap, stapled my sisters funeral memorial flyer with the picture of the hummingbirds she loved so much on her chest along with a news article titled “Local Teen Shot and Killed by Police After Woman’s False Claim She Was Stealing from her Car” and dumped the body in the LA river. She would be found soon enough. And the world would know, we won’t be fucked with any longer.
