Let’s be honest, being a kid sucks. Grownups think their lives are hard because of bills, work, and all of the other responsibilities I hear them complain about. What about kids? What about our young impressionable minds? We’re constantly subjected to criticism on a daily basis. Most decisions are made for us despite being capable of making them ourselves. We couldn’t just run to Best Buy and buy an Xbox or PlayStation. We don’t have money like they do.
Don’t get me started on school. It’s boring and there are bullies at every single one. The grownups can just leave to get away from mean people at work. As kids, we don’t have that kind of freedom. We just have to take it and hope that it doesn’t ruin our chances of making friends later on.
I’ve been bullied by my entire class in the first grade. They made fun of me when I had to get glasses. They even laughed at me when I got my ears pierced. I couldn’t see why either one was funny. I didn’t even have one friend to help me through all the torment. I was all alone and it was depressing.
The worst time was the last instance I could remember. My whole class was in the library and I had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately for me, the bathroom was right across the room from the tables all my classmates were sitting at. I’m not sure if I just assumed everyone would have known the bathroom was occupied or not, but it turned out that the librarian didn’t know. I was sitting on the toilet as she opened the door and my entire class saw me with my pants down. They instantly started laughing and pointing at me. I was traumatized. The librarian was as embarrassed as I was and I could tell by the look on her face that she felt bad.
Most of my time in elementary school was blurry, but those times were very clear. There are a few more regrettably memorable moments during those years. I’ll just save them for another day…
Faint whispers triggering anxiety. The painful beating could cause sobriety. Daylight and darkness terrorize my mind. It’s time to go leave it behind. Run Run Run faster, flee I must escape, escape this reality. I can’t go forward I can’t turn back. I can’t keep going down the same track.
All I could do was stand there and watch it burn. His house and every last thing he owned was engulfed in flames. That piece of shit deserved it. I did everything I could to bring out the good in him and kill the monster, but I could have gotten myself killed. I’m still not sure how I’m not dead already. I almost died a few times.
The longer I stood there the more anxious I was. His house was burning and I wanted him to burn with the damn thing. I didn’t see him run out of a door or jump out of a window. Hell, there was no way of knowing at this point.
The neighbors crowded in the less-than-suburban street. Most of them were in their pajamas, others still in the clothes they wore during the day. Everyone was in shock asking more questions than necessary. I heard reverberating screams of “Call 911!”. The responders were already on their way though.
The neighbors to the right and left knew what kind of man Cole was. They could hear us screaming at each other when we got into it, but they would pretend to mind their business anyway. The neighbor to the left is Cole’s single best friend Dylan. He lives life like he was still in his mid-twenties. The house to the right is occupied by an older married couple, Jan and Gus. They kept to themselves mostly.
I could hear sirens roaring as all the emergency responders approached. Three cop cars threaded their way through the crowd of people and other emergency vehicles. They parked and stepped out in unison—it was oddly theatrical.
As I stood there growing more anxious I heard a deep voice call out my name. It was Officer Barry. He towered over me. We had become well acquainted throughout whatever I had with Cole. At some point I began to feel drawn to him, he was safe.
“Veda?!”
I turned with my head tilted toward the ground. I couldn’t look him in the face because be both knew what happened.
“What happened Veda?”
The firemen were hooking up their water supply and preparing the hose while the other two officers were controlling the crowd. They heard Barry call me out by name and began to stare in confusion. Then the murmurs and the side eyes towards me started.
“Like you don’t already know Barry. . .”
I wasn’t sure why he was pretending that he didn’t know exactly what happened. Barry was the one who told me to do it. He said that was the only way I would ever be free of Cole. No matter how many times I left, he could still find me. I just pray he was still in there.
“I don’t know Veda, so why don’t you tell me!”
I just stood there in a daze. That asshole ‘Officer Barry’ set me up. Shit. . .
“I knew all along that this is how it would end.”
Surrounded by darkness, darkness clouds my mind. Mind if I sit for a while, while I clear my head?
Head to toe I am numb, numb from this life. Life has been tiring, tiring physically and emotionally.
Emotionally exhausted from the hatred, hatred created in me by him. Him being the stepfather, stepfather from Hell.
Hell is where you should go, go home, go back down there. There you can forever stay, stay you mother fucker.
Every day seems the same. This daily ritual drains me. There is no excitement just an endless loop, a glitch in the matrix. How does one go about their entire life this way?
The monotony is maddening. Spending so much time with people you can’t stand being around. Sometimes the idea of living deep in the woods is intoxicating, no neighbors, no internet, and no bullshit co-workers.
Maybe it wouldn’t be my fault if I spiraled. Maybe I could say that I just lost myself after all that’s happened the last two years. Maybe I am losing it and deserve to be stuck here. . .
We sought every possible option. He was sick and we tried everything the vet suggested. It was difficult to consider this option. He couldn’t speak for himself and tell us what he felt. We had to put him down.
I only hope he knew how much we loved him. We cared for him deeply—he was family. I hope he enjoyed his last few days with us. We held him, despite not wanting to be held, and we brushed him. Loki loved that brush…
His last day was everything we could make it. We will always remember his unique personality. The memories we have of Loki could never fade. He was the sweetest kitty. We love you Loki, you’re in a better place.
Time stood still, an innocent child in hell. Blow after blow, she screamed and cried.
His eyes were filled with rage, his hands around her neck letting go when she turned. The girl broken on the ground, fighting to calm herself.
She stood, beaten and scared. As he slowly faded into the corner, she swung the door to run but she never got away.
Under the shadow of life I sit watching Mother Earth in all her glory. I’ve never lived a day so joyous as this to witness the beauty of her story. The way they flutter in the light is heavenly and graceful.
All of the intoxicating aromas traveling with the wind. Their petals are delicate and bright, towards the sun they bend.
As I enjoy the wonders of the day, she gently consumes my sight. I know this is the end, there is no more reason to fight. I look at her and grin, “Goodbye my friend”