Love open heart should have been
Craving
Fill
Empty as the ocean now desert is dry
Dust
Eye full of lust
Baby born to death in the end
A whole life spent searching for a friend
Lonely
Cry dry eyes
Nothing comes out
Dry open mouth
Dry bread to choke on
Do I have to beg
For the bare minimum
Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find
Bread Crumbs
For the birds
Sky full of blue
Heart open as the sky
Searching for what is true
A trickle of trust
Hard not to do
Get through life
Alone
No one but you
Waiting,believing,receiving
ANGER HATRED FEAR
Hoping,trusting,breathing
PAIN DREAD APPREHENSION
Letting go letting flow letting god
DISBELIEF MISTRUST CLENCHED JAW
Wait and see,what is meant for you will come to you,just be
IM SO SCARED YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME!
It will happen when it happens,you will breathe again
IM SO ANGRY AND I DONT WANT TO PRETEND
What will be will be
IT IS OUT OF MY HANDS
All the gifts That warm eyes soft looking at you smile Laughing Not even having to say a word People,the people giving me that look,like I’m a cute puppy dog,because they know I like you and they like you too The care of choosing the right words,the words that won’t ever hurt you Vulnerable Comfortable Real
I didn’t ask to be born,the pain in me is present today,empty,hollow,crippled over,dirt.
Explode is something I never do,implode alone,crying out to you but I don’t want you to hear,muffled me.
Generational trauma,life on a knifes edge. I need safety,something you could never give.
I want to talk but I’m not able to be heard,alone always
When you were young your parents broke you
When I was in need I got slapped down by your generational pain. Patterns.
Break
Broken little me inside crying with shallow breath
Talk. To who?
Listen,all I ever do.
How not to exist? I don’t know, I have to go out,be,seen.
She’s fine.
People can see I’m all good
Right
Come home to me,you.
Sad girl
Sorry girl
Not alive on the inside girl,smiles on the outside girl.
End.
Sleep. Day. Pretend. Again
I was terrified yesterday,what you did really scared me.
I’m flat today,alive and just breathing,enough to do.
I told you I was in a sympathetic nervous state
Not heard
Deaf
Deaf to anything I ever needed
Knifes edge
Ok
Another day
Happy to see me
I’m not heard,no point trying to talk to you
Connection:rejection,misunderstanding
Misinterpret me.
Pain I will keep Head Down Beat
I confront myself in the mirror
A photo I didn’t want to be in
Sunk
Heart. Heavy. Breath
Fog on the glass
My breath says I’m still alive but I cannot see myself in the fog.
How long will healing take this time Put myself back together again
Life was not meant to feel like this
I thought I would have had a chance but instead stupid dance
A chance is all I need
Love me
Only in hindsight do I see the chain of events The temptation was there They say it isn’t as bad this way, I can have my vice and feel good about it.
What you said changed my tune, I didn’t talk to you all day. You made me feel what I was trying to push away. Its crazy what you can believe when you are hearing what you want them to say.
The descriptions you used made me know i was still hurting myself,self harm in a socially acceptable way.
I still think back to that day. Still feel the dread of knowing I had hurt you.
I’m an adult and its my choice how I live my life,who are you to walk in and dictate what i do? I’m asking you.
I don’t know when to stop,not my strong point,when I hold back i become nothing, I am no one.
My vice made me feel like I’m someone.
heavy in my lungs,chill in my heart,
I only had good intentions but looking after me is still something I am learning to do.
(Not easy to write,possibly not easy for you to read,this is not light hearted and centre’s on themes of abuse)
Tears wash away the pain,an emotional river running down my cheeks, the pain you don’t see,when I’m home alone and I can let it all go Flow away from me.
Into the ugly cry we go,snot running,tissues everywhere, I don’t even want to look in the mirror at me,puffy face,red hot nose.
Tell me where it hurts…..
when you didn’t hear me and you didn’t listen either mother dear.
When you burped in my face on purpose stupid high school boy.
When you told me we would go shopping together and then didn’t show up or remember to tell me,so called friends.
When you took the little girl I was and made me do bad things because I didn’t know anything at age three and a half!
When stupid male ,you ran your hand up my inner thigh in the back seat of my mothers car while she was driving and couldn’t see what you were doing!!! I was a child you absolute creep!!!
I hate you arsehole that shaved my cat when I was a little girl,you are a deadbeat waste of space!
I hate you father of a friend of mine who hit her daughter so hard she bruised instantly,right in front of me!
When you dear threatened to smash my head into the cupboard door but decided to spit in my face instead.
Why the fuck do I cry whenever I am alone? Crying soothes the pain. Let me be, I just want to cry today. The only plans I have
Just let me be
I didn’t expect the windows to fog up but my breath was making the air warm inside my car with all the windows closed. I really didn’t feel safe but at least I had some shelter and my doors were locked.
Mum bought me this car I really wanted,I couldn’t stop her and I am really grateful. I wonder what she would think if she knew now that I was spending the night cuddled up in my own arms on the back seat with nothing more than the clothes I was wearing and a hoodie to keep me warm. I’m not finding sleep is coming easily and I’ve nothing to do except stare at the street light across the road. Every time a car goes past i rock a little and I hear that distant swoosh. Hopefully I’ll make it through the night alive to see what answers daylight brings. Trust me to attempt a spur of the moment adventure and end up getting way more than I bargained for,a nice quiet night at home on the couch sounds perfect to me right now but instead I’m out here hoping I live to tell the tale about the night my car broke down and I had no place to go,too far from home and I didn’t want to call anyone but as long as I can get help in the morning I will be fine.
On stage they all flow so free,its easy,I can see,for everyone…..but me! I have never been able to flow so easily I never got the script,or even knew there was one.
I hear the words come out their mouths so confident and assured,their body language matches what they say,expression happening everyday. Life is a stage
Its not so easy for me, I expect I look just like them and I want to sound like them too but all I manage is a sound,just the start of a word that then gets stuck in my mouth refusing to come out. Head down.
I practice when I’m alone but even that doesn’t sound right. Mute is all I’ve ever been made to be. No one is listening anyway.
Life is a rehearsal but you miss it all if you aren’t living right now.
Thank god for daily prompt and written communication, I have time to think and no one cuts me off.
Expression finally. I was made to write. Finally understood.
People communicate in different ways and everyone has something to say.
Listen to the meek,the quiet one who is hard to hear and easy to ignore.
We are all on stage all of the time but not all of us got the script so we learn improv.
Its harder you know,always sensing what is going on around you to try to step into your role.
A long time goal in life,to learn to flow so free,forget about them and you will be free.
You do you and let them be.
You matter no matter how you are unseen.
Love is the only real power and its not a showy thing,its something you can give to yourself.
Just turn away and let the others be
You have your own life to live and a heart that wants to give
You never had anything to worry about anyway
Just drop into you and there is no need to rehearse.
You’ve been through the worst.
Character is not just a person on a stage
Its what you have and what they lack in spades
Not everyone is watching you,just live your life, its valid no matter what your past strife.
Love yourself 💟you matter.
Miss live and let live
Live and let die
I always give
Buddy I don’t really care what your problem is
My hands so soft it hurt to pray
Two decades talking to Jesus,
that was the first time I heard him talk back
Up until then we didn’t know anyone in the world would celebrate us.
I could feel hope travelling backward to find us
I do it for the joy it brings
Because I’m a joyful girl
This world owes us nothing
We owe each other the world
