She wandered through the forest of flowers for what seemed like days,in fact it hadn’t even been an hour,time was warped by the mesmerising smell of the reds.
Her mother always warned her not to go down to the valley,those enticingly beautiful red flowers were toxic.
Annabelle had heeded her mother’s words until she was told about the toad man that lived in a cottage on the other side of the reds.
Intrigue became her,with not much more than a glance over her shoulder to make sure her mother wasn’t looking she left the house and quietly unlatched the front gate to let herself out,surely she would be back by dinner time and her mother would be none the wiser,they were only flowers after all.
It only took a few minutes to get down to the valley,she paused for a moment at the edge of the reds forest whilst convincing herself that it will be okay,she just won’t touch the flowers and no harm will come to her,obviously other people have been through the forest and survived if they lived to tell the tale of the toad man.
Off she set,stepping excitedly onto the path,feeling a rush of exhilaration course through her blood,she could feel her heart racing. She had better walk quickly to get far enough into the forest so that no one could see her. She still knew she was doing the wrong thing and didn’t want a townsfolk to tell her mother.
Once she was out of sight she slowed her pace and took in her surroundings,she had never seen anything like it,flowers so tall she had to look up to see them. A sense of calm flooded her being and she decided to lay down on the path so she could stare up at the flowers towering above her for a while, she had never felt so at ease and started to drift off into a dream…..
‘Hoppity hoppity hoppity hop, I am toad man and I will not stop, I need glasses and bottles and lots and lots of shiny things to decorate my plot ‘
‘A girl I tell you,just lying there,I’ll take her too,she is so fair,my magical spell will get her there ‘
With a wave of his arm he brushed through the air and transported the sleeping girl to take into his care.
A few drops of potion to make her awaken then she will be living with me,a lovely toad lady to be.
Annabelle awoke feeling drowsy and took a moment to take in her surroundings,she jumped and sat upright at the sight of toad man staring down at her. How much time had passed,she felt internal panic at the thought of missing her dinner and upsetting her mum.
Still not aware of her surroundings or how she got there she stood up,although unsteady, without saying a word she ran towards the forest of reds,she entered at a path she did not recognise and bolted along it without her feet fully touching the ground,so fast she felt she was flying. The sun was going down in the west and she knew her mother would be looking for her soon if she wasn’t home before the sun sunk below horizon.
She barely remembered how she got out of the reds and didn’t know how to explain what happened while she was there,she just knew she was never going back again and she would take this secret to the grave,…..unless one day she needed to warn someone ‘don’t go into the forest of reds,those flowers are toxic and you may never find your way out’
Annabelle opened her front gate still panting from running and fear. She let herself into the house,greeted by the sumptuous smell of her mother’s baked lamb,she washed her hands and splashed water on her face and went to the kitchen to take her place at the table just as dinner was being served.
She will never step one foot into the forest of the reds again but will carry the warning not to go back with her in her unclear memories for the rest of her life.
It really felt like more than a dream,toad man staring down at her…….
You start at the beginning Know what you need to by the end Life is learning backwards No reason to pretend You gotta look behind you To see how You got here You don’t know it all Know nothing until the end is near Once the time is over You no longer have to defend You lived your life learning Pass the knowledge on to your friends
Love open heart should have been
Craving
Fill
Empty as the ocean now desert is dry
Dust
Eye full of lust
Baby born to death in the end
A whole life spent searching for a friend
Lonely
Cry dry eyes
Nothing comes out
Dry open mouth
Dry bread to choke on
Do I have to beg
For the bare minimum
Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find
Bread Crumbs
For the birds
Sky full of blue
Heart open as the sky
Searching for what is true
A trickle of trust
Hard not to do
Get through life
Alone
No one but you
Waiting,believing,receiving
ANGER HATRED FEAR
Hoping,trusting,breathing
PAIN DREAD APPREHENSION
Letting go letting flow letting god
DISBELIEF MISTRUST CLENCHED JAW
Wait and see,what is meant for you will come to you,just be
IM SO SCARED YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME!
It will happen when it happens,you will breathe again
IM SO ANGRY AND I DONT WANT TO PRETEND
What will be will be
IT IS OUT OF MY HANDS
All the gifts That warm eyes soft looking at you smile Laughing Not even having to say a word People,the people giving me that look,like I’m a cute puppy dog,because they know I like you and they like you too The care of choosing the right words,the words that won’t ever hurt you Vulnerable Comfortable Real
I didn’t ask to be born,the pain in me is present today,empty,hollow,crippled over,dirt.
Explode is something I never do,implode alone,crying out to you but I don’t want you to hear,muffled me.
Generational trauma,life on a knifes edge. I need safety,something you could never give.
I want to talk but I’m not able to be heard,alone always
When you were young your parents broke you
When I was in need I got slapped down by your generational pain. Patterns.
Break
Broken little me inside crying with shallow breath
Talk. To who?
Listen,all I ever do.
How not to exist? I don’t know, I have to go out,be,seen.
She’s fine.
People can see I’m all good
Right
Come home to me,you.
Sad girl
Sorry girl
Not alive on the inside girl,smiles on the outside girl.
End.
Sleep. Day. Pretend. Again
I was terrified yesterday,what you did really scared me.
I’m flat today,alive and just breathing,enough to do.
I told you I was in a sympathetic nervous state
Not heard
Deaf
Deaf to anything I ever needed
Knifes edge
Ok
Another day
Happy to see me
I’m not heard,no point trying to talk to you
Connection:rejection,misunderstanding
Misinterpret me.
Pain I will keep Head Down Beat
I confront myself in the mirror
A photo I didn’t want to be in
Sunk
Heart. Heavy. Breath
Fog on the glass
My breath says I’m still alive but I cannot see myself in the fog.
How long will healing take this time Put myself back together again
Life was not meant to feel like this
I thought I would have had a chance but instead stupid dance
A chance is all I need
Love me
Only in hindsight do I see the chain of events The temptation was there They say it isn’t as bad this way, I can have my vice and feel good about it.
What you said changed my tune, I didn’t talk to you all day. You made me feel what I was trying to push away. Its crazy what you can believe when you are hearing what you want them to say.
The descriptions you used made me know i was still hurting myself,self harm in a socially acceptable way.
I still think back to that day. Still feel the dread of knowing I had hurt you.
I’m an adult and its my choice how I live my life,who are you to walk in and dictate what i do? I’m asking you.
I don’t know when to stop,not my strong point,when I hold back i become nothing, I am no one.
My vice made me feel like I’m someone.
heavy in my lungs,chill in my heart,
I only had good intentions but looking after me is still something I am learning to do.
(Not easy to write,possibly not easy for you to read,this is not light hearted and centre’s on themes of abuse)
Tears wash away the pain,an emotional river running down my cheeks, the pain you don’t see,when I’m home alone and I can let it all go Flow away from me.
Into the ugly cry we go,snot running,tissues everywhere, I don’t even want to look in the mirror at me,puffy face,red hot nose.
Tell me where it hurts…..
when you didn’t hear me and you didn’t listen either mother dear.
When you burped in my face on purpose stupid high school boy.
When you told me we would go shopping together and then didn’t show up or remember to tell me,so called friends.
When you took the little girl I was and made me do bad things because I didn’t know anything at age three and a half!
When stupid male ,you ran your hand up my inner thigh in the back seat of my mothers car while she was driving and couldn’t see what you were doing!!! I was a child you absolute creep!!!
I hate you arsehole that shaved my cat when I was a little girl,you are a deadbeat waste of space!
I hate you father of a friend of mine who hit her daughter so hard she bruised instantly,right in front of me!
When you dear threatened to smash my head into the cupboard door but decided to spit in my face instead.
Why the fuck do I cry whenever I am alone? Crying soothes the pain. Let me be, I just want to cry today. The only plans I have
Just let me be
I didn’t expect the windows to fog up but my breath was making the air warm inside my car with all the windows closed. I really didn’t feel safe but at least I had some shelter and my doors were locked.
Mum bought me this car I really wanted,I couldn’t stop her and I am really grateful. I wonder what she would think if she knew now that I was spending the night cuddled up in my own arms on the back seat with nothing more than the clothes I was wearing and a hoodie to keep me warm. I’m not finding sleep is coming easily and I’ve nothing to do except stare at the street light across the road. Every time a car goes past i rock a little and I hear that distant swoosh. Hopefully I’ll make it through the night alive to see what answers daylight brings. Trust me to attempt a spur of the moment adventure and end up getting way more than I bargained for,a nice quiet night at home on the couch sounds perfect to me right now but instead I’m out here hoping I live to tell the tale about the night my car broke down and I had no place to go,too far from home and I didn’t want to call anyone but as long as I can get help in the morning I will be fine.
