I know I asked for you to be gone But the hole I left from ripping you out Is gaping so So open, spilling I can feel nothing there I can feel it I can feel the nothing

A knife to the chest Probably hurts less Than sucking all the oxygen From the room A slow wither From something you cannot see Nor feel Any longer Until your lungs crush themselves

I wish you had given me a knife for my chest So I could cut out my own heart Instead of ripping out yours

I can’t stop thinking about you And how you make me feel Powerless I wish I could make you feel it too

I want to scream at you Tell you how I’m truly feeling Promise you I won’t stop till you understand

My body wants to take control When you’re near Put my hands on your neck Give you what you deserve

I hope you ache like I ache I hope you ache for me, because of me.

pink and red can I be more like them pretty and angry sweet and intense pink and red can I be more like them kind while bleeding soft and violent pink and red

Close your eyes! Apologize! Get on your knees! Recant your deeds!

Dear God above But it was for love That I was on my knees Forgive me please

Close your eyes! Apologize! For what you wore, Through church doors!

Dear God, I’m sorry That I have a body But it’s all your preachers Who stare like creepers

Close your eyes! Apologize! If it’s not sincere, God will hear!

Dear God- I try But my focus goes From scouring my brain, For all the things I’ve done wrong To deciding what I should eat when I’m home. I know the powerful, wrathful God Might take offense to what I’ve done

So my eyes open, to face consequences But guess what,

Nothing happens.

Some mortalities are bigger than other mortalities. Our impermanence on this earth, impending death, doesn’t feel as daunting when you notice all the small endings of things That reflect the beauty of mortality

The trees outside, they have to trim But now all the sunlight spills right in through your window

The deer that died, out in the woods Has fed the mice, the birds, the worms and kept the forrest alive

The day you left your childhood home You had to exist all on your own To become your true self

When the time was up with your first love You knew so much more about what you deserve And how to be kind to yourself

Some mortalites are bigger than other mortalities. Without endings, nothing would ever begin. Without death, nothing would ever grow.

Nothing feels right these days When I’m with you or when I’m alone

I try to love my fate these days But there’s nowhere that feels like home

And, There’s nothing I can write these days Cause my pen feels like a stone

Why do I think I can think my way out? Why do I think I’m gonna solve my problems by rummaging around in my mind and cooking up some solution some recipe that will change it all when all I have are recycled thoughts a can of beans and a half empty bag of rice that have been in there for far too long stirring it all around over and over like it’s going to suddenly become a piping hot pot of fix-it-all chicken noodle soup

I’m afraid to open up my cupboards and show anyone the empty shelves because I should be able to sustain myself without anyone’s help, anyone else’s ingredients, anyone else’s input

But I’m thinking in circles, I’m stirring and stirring and nothing’s changing

I’d like to change I’d like to share but that seems crazy…

maybe I’ll just pray instead to whatever’s out there if water can become wine at least that’ll keep it in my mind

I must be lonely’s little secret

cause there’s people

all around

trying so hard to keep it

so all my friends

don’t find out

I must be lonely’s forbidden lover

cause I’m known as

the “good friend”

but at night lonely comes over

and we tangle sheets

in my bed

I want to feel, I want to know I want to love, I want to grow I want to stack up all my feelings and watch them topple to the floor

I want to fight, I want to scream I want to writhe, I want to dream I want to put something in a chokehold and tighten up until it bleeds

I want to laugh, I want to cry I want to live before I die I want to take a bunch of pictures of how the world seems through my eyes

I want to hurry I want to slow I want to run

I want to go

I don’t want it there But it’s been growing Comfort and Safety try to hide it Love attempts to smother it with a pillow But it’s getting big, turning feral, out of Love’s control

There’s things that I want to do But I can’t do For you Which isn’t entirely true But it’s growing to feel that way

How long before it’s grown big enough to tear things apart?

Am I being selfish or am I in a cage? How long can you be selfless before losing your self?