There are certain things to shy away from Once things are said and done

Any shows we’ve watched together Any places that we’ve gone

The people that I met through you Erased in every way

The memories that haunt me All the reminders kept at bay.

But every just so often I’ll try to push myself through

Driving past where we lived together The life we tried to build

And every just so often A show will be on screen

And this bittersweet nostalgia Rips through me like a distant pain

The good times we had together The things we loved to share

Now so far in the distance Our bond broken beyond repair.

A wave of grief The prickling eyes Caused by heartwarming comfort And simultaneous pain

But every just so often I try to push myself through To revisit this nostalgia These memories of you

And every just so often I make a little step

So every time I revisit them I think a little less of you.

And every just so often I can enjoy it for myself

Remember what was mine in them Reclaim the places that I held.

So many thoughts. Email notifications. Meeting and task reminders. Unmet desires. No time for anything, when overwhelmed by everything.

I close my laptop and lay back on my bed. Close my eyes and try to clear my mind. An ambitious thought of meditating. I grab my phone, as if to open my guided meditation app, and go immediately to Instagram instead.

I scroll through the posts. The stories. The reels. Lost in swiping this way and that, to the side for some, up and down for others. Each click opening another path, a different thread in the never ending web of social media.

Suddenly I remember. I’m supposed to be clearing my mind. The synaptic trance, the catharsis of instant gratification, a million little dopamine hits - gone in an instant. Replaced by the reminder of the workload that awaits me, feeling like I’m drowning in quicksand. I can never get out of this, and soon enough I’ll feel like I can’t breathe.

I look at the time and realize I cannot take another second to quiet my mind. I’ve taken too long already. My laptop is opened again, and I swallow hard, but mentally. Somewhere in my mind, everything getting pushed back down. Stored away for a later time.

Immediately overwhelmed again by the chaos, and just as quickly trying to rid myself of this thought. I have to block it out and power through. Focus on one thing at a time. Brick by brick, the work will get done. And word by word, the story will get written.

I looked through old pictures last night And I cried Or moreso The crying took me Deep, heavy, sobbing came out of me My face contorted The tears pouring down my face Seeing the photos of you and me Where your eyes look so sweet I can still feel your soft little kisses on my lips And the little smile you gave me After a sweet little kiss It tore through me Gasping Breaths with no oxygen I couldn’t catch up with myself at times I miss you so fucking much.

But then I keep looking through And a photo reminds me of a night not so sweet And then the nights after, the distance, the you taking the time with your friend Avoiding our fight, waiting for my hurt feelings to recede Leaving me feeling abandoned with my emotions My hurt from a fight that you caused But that you can barely remember.

Time and time again Sweet memories Scattered with the darkness I don’t want I want those memories back, with you The sweet ones, the ones that make the pain of missing you so present I can hardly breathe.

I love you so much. It hurts so fucking much to have to miss you.

I guess this pain is better than a lifetime of the other. At least with this one, hopefully with time, It will fade.