“What are you doing? NO! STOP! PLEASE!”

And like that the world around her faded to black. The emptiness that once was her life has spilt, dripping into the confines of her eternity. She was desperate.She craved it. She damn near begged me for it, you heard her. “No, don’t stop, please!” I mean come on man, I had to give the woman what she wanted. What she needed. Ugh, now what am I to do with all this-

“Please….”

Oh baby of course.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” … “Say something. Why wouldn’t you just tell me. All I asked is that you tell me. That’s all I fucking wanted. You lied to me!” “I-I didn’t lie.” “What do you mean you didn’t lie? How could you possibly feel like you didn’t lie to me? How? HOW!” “I mean I just didn-“ “Exactly! You didn’t fucking tell me. That’s omission. Omission is a lie. They’re fucking synonymous. You don’t get that?” “I mean I just know y-“ “What you knew I would blow up? So, that’s why you decided to hide it from me for months? MONTHS? And even worst tell me there was nothing to worry about; nothing was going to happen. That I could fucking trust you. I just…” “I’m sorry.” “I don’t wanna hear a sorry ass apology. You should have never done it, and then you did it and hide it from me FOR MONTHS; you had me thinking I was being crazy. That I didn’t see the signs. That I didn’t see how loose you were getting… I…” … … “I’m…” … “I’m sorry.” … “I didn’t do it to hurt you.” “Are you fucking kidding me?” “I swear I didn’t” “Did you even think about it at all?” “Honestly… no” “And that’s the fucking problem. You don’t think about anything you do before you do it. You never consider the consequences your actions have for you or for others.” “I know baby, I’m gonna do better. I-“ “I don’t want to hear it. This was your last chance. I told you to never lie to me. To tell me if you ever decided or thought to do this. And I was extremely serious. I trusted you. I gave you my trust and so much more that you NEVER DESERVED!” “Baby! No!” “I’m done here. I will be back with the police to help you get your things if you are not gone by the end of the day. Good-bye”

Finally! I’m not sure what I did or how this happened, but finally! Finally, I can be free, to not be seen. No glares from colluding pupils looking to make a scene. No more undesired encounters with folks that use pain to fuel their laughter. Finally! I can breathe! This is going to be a breeze!

“Ughh,” the sound of light penetrating the cracks amidst the lids of another unwelcomed mourning.

“What day is it?”

“I’m starving.”

I need to get out of here. This cannot be right. This has been going on far too long. What did I do? I’ve literally trapped myself in this room. This dark four-cornered empty depiction of a room. All I see is myself because I wouldn’t let anyone else in. I blocked out every suitor for a friend trying to be ‘the invisible man’. I wanted to be unseen at will, but now no one even notices me. When I speak it’s as if a veil is covering their ears from me. Like no one cares. Like no one knew I was ever there.

I didn’t know being dead would be so… forsaking.

If wishes fell like rain I am the cloud A living mass of desire A misunderstood form of power The future is in me And while many give their predictions Only I know when and in what season If the wishes I stored inside Could touch the soil of my life The below would be as up high And my mortality would never die The fruits of my intention And the properties of manifestation Would reimagine every traumatic experience If wishes fell like rain And dreams birthed hurricanes I would be the reason Resurfacing my divinity
By removing all that has hindered me

Every day seems the same, but today was the day. As I cradled life and death between the palm of my hand. I thought back, to yesterday, when I was here, in this same spot in front of this same house waiting for you. And today, I finally saw you; Through the emptiness of the leaves I would use to shield my descriptive attributes, I saw you. You, as usual gracing the wind with the flow of your breath and admirably honoring the sun with your skin. You finally were there. This. This was the sign. Today, is different because today you were more surprised to see me than ever before. Do you miss me? Today, I knew the truth. Can I ever forgive you? You also moved around a bit more than I recalled. Did you change your shampoo? Conditioner? Today, we were closer than we’ve been in months. And I you were wrapped in my arms I almost forgot it all. I almost forgot about the betrayal you beautifully ushered into my life. I wonder, do you still feel the imprint of his dick inside of you, love? Does it still make you wet thinking about how he would fuck you? I almost forgot how well you lied and how easy I let you. You never answered my question before, was he better then me? Wow, I nearly forgot the fact of how I could physically feel the tearing of my heart all those nights I spent crying over the deep rooted sorrow I…. I soon would remember. Remember the reason I revisited your house every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon from 2-11pm for the last 13 months. And most importantly why this gun still felt ice cold inside my hand. Do you miss me? I snugged you deeper into the barrel of my steel-plated defense. I was patient. I was the kind one. I never fucking once was rude or handled you arrogantly. I bore all things, believed in you always, hoped the best for you in anything, and endured all your fucking senseless bullshit you ungrateful slutty wide-legged whore! So why would I allow you to continue life without the best thing you could of EVER had.

I had to go. I had to leave her behind. Yes, alone. Yes, in the dark. Yes cold, yes hungry, yes afraid I had to. I I had to escape Escape my loneliness and my fears Escape from the heart aches and hidden tears From the internal drama and brushed off trauma Desolate, Abandoned, Naked, and afraid Just to gain I had to let me go Leave her in the very places I avoided my entire life To the very monsters that woke me with fright To find someone who saw it all worth the fight To find someone ready Someone able Willing and upfront. And when the time comes to break away to find myself again I will leave her stranded. Yes, confused. Angry. Hopeless. Without amends. Just to be the woman of power, honor, and emotional well-being.

I can see death.

I can see the cold bellowing from the depths of my body just to merge with the emptiness around me. I can feel forgotten. In this moment, on the wet of ground, in the hollow of night, I feel unknown. Which makes full sense, because I never felt anything other while here. I could never relate to those around me, so I could never embrace closeness. In a way, I feel at home lying here. It is all too familiar to fight. All to welcoming to reject. So I will fall. This is where I am meant to be; covered in the sins of my past. Let us see if the stories are true.