Instead of crying at my pain These days I laugh Suddenly the statement of laughing Being better than crying Now has such a deeper meaning That I can fight the demons And stop the tears from falling Only if i mean it

I laugh at my pain because Today that shit is much more funnier Than it was at the time I don’t even recognise the girl in that cut scene What other movies has she starred in? A few actions A lot of failed romcoms But she starred in some great comedies.

Even the dead tell stories Their unsettled souls trod the earth Dropping bits of history on the way

The peaceful ones, make no noise Those with something to say, are never quiet

The wind howls in the melody of a tune An entrance song For those who have never rested a day in their graves

Ready for the nightly trod They sing songs in the place of their departure And then stop by to kiss the loved ones goodnight.

A loss because it was something I had to gain to then lose, Something I once held but now no more

A void now Where your existence once resided Incomplete or different? I fail to see how this cycle ends Or is that something you would want me to think?

She’s no longer that person you might Have come to know She had to lose some parts to find something else She had to water the plants So they would bloom and then grow

She had to speak words of life And live in the moment Lift her hands in surrender before the feet of The creator

Bathe herself and cleanse away the day In moments of sorrow she’d why the tears away Be greatful even though she endured And still give even when She was the only who outpoured.

I am not a hero in this story I am merely a bystander

One who saw it all, Understood it all But did nothing

I know the cost of silence How much pain it may cause

But I now find myself Rewarded for my cowardness?

I don’t deserve praise I deserve a moment to tell the truth

A moment of real justice So the dark can come to the light

Stand before the jury And receive its verdict.

I woke up today and realised I been doing this thing called life all wrong

I mean… it’s partly my fault Partly, how i was raised.

Because i’ve only ever found comfort in the struggle

Those rainy days.

Seems like everyone else Has worked out how to play the game

I know her heart to be dirty So why don’t we prosper the same?

I’ve been too caught up in the details Trying to find who to blame

Until i started applying more pressure There was nothing to gain

I laid out the dreams and aligned them In my mind

And now peace of mind isn’t so hard to find

These days i feel like hapiness is a construct Because what is happiness? The new revelation being It doesn’t come without work Physical, mental and spiritual

Which one connects first? Or do they all have to merge?

And did noone make a rule book for this shit?

When I see how my aura has you pressed I can do nothing but laugh.

For how can i not laugh? At my light shining so bright That it’s blinding you

If I knew you were coming round I would have told you to bring some shades.

To protect your eyes from this never ending blaze.

I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable That’s not in my nature

Nor is it to hate Or to boast 1 wasn't raised to be such a envious woman

You say you've got me all figured out I beg to differ They say your a nice person But i’d say… your a little bit bitter

She says I’m obsessed with my past But that’s a journey of infatuation I’m not sure she was equipped with the layers to interpret

Sometimes i can get deep But there’s days I keep it gangsta And mearly scratch the beneath the surface

He says im in all the parties But i haven’t been out in months

See now everyones got a story

His is he’s got 3 baby moms And still lives with his mom

But he drives a car So he’s convinced he could take me places

You ego is admirable However outrageous

He say she say But i still do it my way Because we know they’re gonna talk regardless

And I don’t feel like dimming my light Or doing life any different When being me Is harmless.

I bought a new phone today First thing i did Was unseal the box Turn it on and wave to the camera

The man i bought the phone from Appeared confused

No doubt a new screen to be watched by the man

Paranoia or truth Subconscious or black mirror? Planting ideas into my mind That made sense Long before they were televised and made digestible

Would they be looking for anything specific? A weakness in my surroundings Something to drag me down with?

I now posses A new device the newest of its kind With enhanced features that drew me To make a purchase

Hey siri, What’s the weather like today?

A simple question To a device that’s always listening Consuming more than just your average questions

I remember the days I would laugh at the brown plaster On my moms webcam And ask her why

Anyone would want to watch us?

But i grew older Realising life is us living out The blueprint of society Crafted to watch us all fall In the order of their perfect planning

And the ones that make it out Are the ones who are clued up Not just “woke” but “woke with understanding”

Shhh let’s not have this conversation Infront of the phone Because I can’t assure you Noones listening.

I was always going to find my way, For you? I’m not sure what to say.

Sometimes you convince me your the smartest The sharpest The bravest Most fearless person alive, Into that I lean in and let myself get fooled by lust’s newest disguise.

I’d be gatekeeper of your secrets Your exhibition of history that isn’t up for viewing But you? you’d hum my song To anyone who would listen

A good thing no more For you know not What you have lost But if you could buy it back Would you pay the cost?

I grew up in an environment Where healing wasn’t normalised.

All I ever saw was prayers, tears And great sacrifice.

All that made me who I am But there’s so much more.

I didn’t understand it Until I reached out to the child I was before.

Some say God is enough But real ones know he can’t do all the work.

I have to look deep inside And find what needs evaluation.

Heal the parts of me that thrive from validation Quiet the monsters who Try to determine my strides.

Love on the parts of me That think it would be easier to hide.

The child in me screams for acceptance Something I didn’t feel much as a youth.

Adult me hates rejection Child me and adult me Only got by with mothers protection.

Her prayers for my evolution That I would fulfill my purpose And grow up and define my path In this metaphorical circus.

I open the page And say hello To the timid girl before.

I write to her Telling her that she is loved.

I revisit the stories That she holds so dearly Trauma no longer lodged in the shadows But uncovered And analysed clearly.

A new woman Here to stay With the child within still crying out for acknowledgment.

The woman, A constant living example Of what once was And what is to be.

Parents came here in the 90’s To a place that wasn’t there own A residency Titled “immigrants on vacation” A constant reminder this wasn’t their home

Integrating into a system That was never made for their use In the land of opportunity How come they suffered abuse?

From the island of sun and sea And banana weh drop offa tree To tetley and rich teas And people who wipe their hand in their pants when they sneeze

Money doesn’t grow on trees here As it was made to seem And life get’s a bit more serious When your raising kings and queens

To be different than those before But better than how were deemed To be proud of our blackness And let the melanin boost your self esteem

Roots: the point at which something begins its course or existence

For me home is here, There, In this instance Because i stay connected to the roots Tracing back To my ancestors Reliving parent stories of The life they knew before

I could write a book about the pain they endured

And I admit that the fight today Is not entirely the same Guess everyones done looking For people to blame

And even with broken leaves On the tallest trees

The roots still remain same.