our concrete was cracked, but to be fair, we poured it so quickly. it was too hot outside. we did not even let the concrete dry, before we started building. why were we so surpised when the roof fell through? why was that shocking? and the hard hats we had on weren’t enough to break the fall. we should’ve seen it coming, you know? when the hammer broke and the nails ran out. when the window wouldn’t shut and all the rain came in, it got the floor all wet. we chose to put on safety glasses, they broke too. and we were left. surrounded by broken pipes, shattered glass, empty cupboards. it was beyond repair. we foreclosed the house, foreclosed the memories. the hard work.
we stood there, hand in hand. gazing at the house we tried so hard to build. before we separated walking opposite directions down the same street
todays my birthday but you knew that, i waited by the phone but no call. i waited by the door but no knock. i blew out my candles and wished for you. the presents weren’t enough to distract me from the absence of your own. i unwrapped each gift expecting to find something from you. i never did. my phone dings, i see the disappointment in my mothers eyes when it’s not you. you ruined my birthday again. it’s truly an unbirthday when you aren’t here.
it seems the constellation of my heart covered in mold; a dream once where love was bold.
the moon seldom remembers my souls intricate fold; before my minds desires sold.
the vast night littered with specks of gold; it was the last time i felt controlled.
our love pact you annulled; off jupiters face tears have rolled.
the sky full of stars seemed dead and cold; a place once so magical now hurt to behold.
you left me there on the floor, every inch of my body covered in pain. i felt myself fall, absorbing into the crevices of the hardwood. laying there… my bones decomposing to become one with the surface beneath my body. for days my body unmoved. my heart remained with the knife you stabbed in it. i felt myself bleeding out. to heal would be unbearable, to recover would be unfathomable. it is here i will stay.
i felt a tingle from my toes, my eyes blink open. a single daisy growing from my foot. i lift up my chest, the knife removed and moss grown over the scar. my body surrounded by grass, my hands met with soft dew. and no thoughts of you.
he told me of a mask, a bright “look at me” mask. he occasionally put it on, until one day he couldn’t look at himself without it on. he didn’t recognize the man looking back at him. he couldn’t bare to be alone with the man behind the act, he wore the mask to bed. he wore it while he brushed his teeth. dinner with the family was protected and controlled by the bright cast of fake happiness he wore across his face. like a badge of honor he proudly displayed something so deep into fantasy it had become his reality. then, the mask got a crack and the eye fell off. and sadness crept where fake joy once covered. the mask eventually came to a crumble, the boy was left with the reflection of himself. what had he become.
i will creep in when you least expect it. you cannot escape me. i inhabit the cells that make you. i taint your memories with a red haze. everything that once was, is now not. your dreams are unattainable. your desires… are undesirable. i tear you apart, you are nothing. my words like individual hairs pulled from the scalp. you believe them. i am the blood in your veins. your heart pumps me right to your brain. i am in your thoughts. the lies become the truth. i run rampant with doubt, fleeing with thoughts of worthiness. once you are decrepit, a shell of yourself, i will recede. falling dormant into the depths of your soul. until i am called again.
the light is coming from the corner of the room, a green lamp on a white table. next to the table is a queen size bed with white and blue floral sheets. the down comforter lays across is at all. the bed adorned with a small stuffed animal. opposite the end of the bed is a floor length mirror decorated with sticky notes of reminders that she is beautiful. written in a man’s writing. white cowboy hats create depth on the wall. a dark but hopeful void begins the closet, the endless outfits call out to the space beyond its door. a giant window, curtains drawn. the sun peaking through an opening into the outside world. what lies beyond this room? in the hallway? and behind the curtains?
the story of my awakening was much less of a grand epic story of teenage angst… more like wayy to much time alone in my apartment at 21. i have realized the basics like what i like to watch on tv, read, or even what i prefer for dinner. i don’t like to drink or party with friends, i’d rather learn an instrument or write a poem. i believed myself to be boring, mundane is the word i use. but i woke up one morning with a realization that maybe i am cool and exciting in my own way. On a journey of self discovery! absolutely not. i am just boring. but boring to whom? society? my friends from high school? my family? why. why is choosing to stay home mundane? is it not exciting in its own way to navigate trials and conflicts without self medicating with grandiose party’s and binge drinking? i think so, and that is my great awakening. i am awoken to the fact, that I am interesting and unique. the time spent in my apartment will never outweigh the potential regret from too much to drink. i am thankful for the loneliness that sometimes lingers and the slumber that held me down too long. i am awoken to myself and my discovery of what makes me who i am.
