There’s this hunger inside me It begs me to release It won’t leave me with peace And with every breath I breathe I lose one more little piece
There’s this weight on my heart That makes everything seem hard Is the world really this harsh? Or am I just weak?
Tears keep falling doing my face And everyone is saying it’s just a phase But they’re not the ones trapped in this cage They’re not the ones feeling this rage
They can’t tell me survival is guaranteed Not when all I do is bleed They will never know, what it is that I need When all it is, is to be freed
But they can’t see the bars that surround my mind For them, I am safe and sound My heart is struggling to stay kind But all it wants, is to escape humankind
From safety, I am deprived I wish I could go back, to being blind Wish I could go back to being a child But I’m stuck waiting for hope on the other side
This won’t last long, surely Maybe time will heal the pain inside me But God, time had never passed so slowly.
Dear Diary,
Today I called her fat and ugly again, but I did not lie, how could I let her go around thinking she’s beautiful, when she’s really not?
Today I told her that she’s an awful person. And she is. She goes around trying to please people, but how could she ever be good enough for them?
Today I told her that she’s unloveable. How could someone love her when her existence is a burden to everyone?
Today, I looked her in the eye, and I told her she should die. What does she have to live for anyway?
And she did.
I saw the life slip away from her eyes until there was nothing there. Just an empty stare.
Satisfied with the pain I caused her, I turned away from the mirror and walked out to start my day.
There was a relief in feeling the storm’s approach... All this waiting will come to an end. It might bring destruction along its way, But at least it’ll pass. It might blow the warmth of comfort away, But it’ll pass. It might leave us naked and raw, It might set us back, And it might But it will pass. At least then, we won’t be scared of what might come At least, we’ll have a fresh beginning A chance to make our own rainbow.
My old friend called me last night, She wanted to see how I was doing in the land of the unknown, it has been a long time since we talked. We used to be so close, but life and distance pulled us apart. So she asks me; « Do you remember when we stayed up all night talking about the meaning of life? » Of course I did. That night, we shared our thoughts hoping to figure out the evil and the good of this world. But we never did. Then she asks; « Do you remember when we ran away from school together? » I did. We ran away because we thought that being stuck in that building was the worst thing. Little did we know that that building was our shield from the outside world. And she asks again; « Do you think about these memories often now that you’re away? » I do. Every single day. I think about her, I think about our other friends, about my uncles and aunts, my cousins, my teachers and everyone else that had an impact on my life. About everyone that was a piece of feeling home. And she finally asks; « Do you still know what being home feels like? » I don’t. I don’t remember how it feels like to come home to the smell of a homemade meal, or how it feels like to stay up all night laughing and playing cards, or how the smiles of certain people made me feel, how having « Knefeh » for breakfast with my parents made me feel. I don’t remember what anything made me feel. I only feel the sadness for the life I had, the one I will never have again, the one that I can only relive in my head but never on this earth. So I answer her; « No » as my voice cracks and a tear escapes my eye, « I don’t know what Home feels like, I have forgotten »
She is a sailor. A sailor gliding through the waves of life, the ups and the downs, lost in the middle of the sea; the sea of decisions that rocks her world every time she sails towards the wrong direction. She knew she was one mistake away from drowning, but how could she sail through this life hoping for the right direction if she didn’t even know how to grasp the ship’s wheel.
She’s a sailor stuck in the middle of a beautiful nothingness, helpless yet hopeful for the sight of land; a land that will let her plant her roots in its soil, and give her the warm feeling of being Home.
She is a sailor. One that is lost in the midst of the sea, one that does not know which land she belongs to; the one that chose her or the one that life chose for her?
A sailor that floats in the Ocean of this world, because her feet don’t know what Home feels like.
Will she touch the ground and belong? Or will she forever be lost and stuck in the middle of nowhere on a floating boat?
CHANGE
The first day that people started going down to the streets, angry and driven by the need for their rights, I was confused. Our national TV channel was broadcasting live from the ground where everything started. People were everywhere, talking to journalists in frustration, their bodies shaking from exasperation that is too big to be normal. That was when everything started. Everyday more people would go to different places, form very large groups, and they would scream so high, as high as they can, they wanted their voices to be heard, and they wanted “THEM” to know that they will not be tamed. And although I was confused, not knowing how and why it started, I felt pride surging through my entire body, those are the people of my country, my people, and they made me realize that I had a voice, the only thing I had to do was make it heard. It was on the 17th of October 2019, that change started.
FIRE
Wildfires broke out through the whole country, no one knew if they were natural disasters, or if they were planned on purpose, to distract the people from the change they were trying to make and the rights they wanted to have, the rights that they deserve by birth. Because you see, when things start to get worse, you will ask for less, and that’s when your expectations start to lower. I remember back then, when I had a conversation with one of my friends, we were thinking that that was the end of the world, and I still think it was, but only the start of it. After the wildfires stopped, there came the biggest catastrophe to ever happen to these people. One of the biggest explosions known to humankind, one that killed too many fathers, too many mothers, too many sons, too many daughters and too many lovers. One that broke so many families and so many hearts. One that wiped out so much hope from the hearts if the people. One that left so many people homeless and hopeless. One that left so many external scars and even more internal ones. But the difference about that fire, is that we knew for sure, that it was not a natural disaster, it was a disaster cause by “THEM”.
GRIEF
After the smoke cleared out of the sky, the shards of glass were cleaned off the streets and out of the houses, bodies were pulled from under the rubble, and everything was silent, that’s when people were left with their thoughts. Their thoughts and their losses. Mothers crying at the tombs of their sons and daughters, thinking about the last conversation that they had with them that they would cherish forever, the last meal they cooked for them, and the last game they played with them, cause death did not care about the age of its victims, it did not care if it was two year old girl that was loved by her parents, a young girl whose smile could light up their whole world, whose laugh would make their worries go away, a girl whose future was taken away from her. Death did not care about the brother of a young man, the brother of a man that he considered his best friend, a brother that would have his back through thick and thin, a brother that he shared so many laughs with or had so many useless fights with, a brother that was stolen from him. And death did not think about that crazy lover, that was waiting for the girl that held his heart on her sleeve, to finish her shift, so he can see and talk to her after work, the girl that he had planned a whole future with, a future where they had a wedding date, where they bought a house to make a beautiful family in, a girl that he talked to everyday, that he shared every moment of his life with, and when he didn’t, he wishes he did, wishes that she was right there with him, to feel what he was feeling. But now that that girl is forever gone, will he feel that way for the rest of his life? Will he think of her every minute of everyday and every step of the way? Now that the girl that held his heart on her sleeve is gone with the wind and the smoke, what happened to his heart? Is it gone with her? It’s been more than a year now, but it still feels like yesterday. I was one of the « lucky » ones, I did not suffer from a loss, not literally at least. But I am suffering from the loss of the smiles that I used to see on the face of my people, the loss of that beautiful spirit and energy and the Lebanese people had and broadcasted all around them. They were people with many faults and many mistakes, but you could never feel anything but admiration for them, for they are people that have been so much, but they still manage to live their lives like nothing ever happened. Their Capital was Beirut after all, "Set El Donya”, Beirut that has fallen eight times now, but every single time, she manages to rise from under the rubble, time and time again, like the Phoenix from the ashes, Beirut rises again. And I could not be more proud to belong and be part of this, and no matter where I go or where I am, my heart will always belong to Beirut. This is our country, our roads, our mountains, our Ocean, and our Land. This is our Lebanon. And “THEY” will never take it from us.
He was right there. Right in front of me. His lips were moving, I guess that means he’s talking, but I’m not listening. Is he really talking if no one is listening? Or is he giving a voice to his thoughts, silently… If someone was standing there, right in front of us, moving their lips to the rhythm of their thoughts, but we can’t hear them because of our own thoughts running around in our head, does that mean that we are both talking? Or does it mean that we’re both silent? How often do we stand in front of someone while they’re speaking to us, we look them in the eye and nod our heads, but we’re not really listening, their thoughts are making their way from their mind down to their mouth and out into the open world around us, silently. A lot of us, if not all, are living our lives in silence, keeping our dark thoughts to ourselves, sometimes our happy thoughts too, cause we’re afraid if we let them out then that means they’re not ours anymore. And when we do share our thoughts, people are rarely listening, so we go on living our lives silently. So I let him keep on talking, nodding my head with his words, while I go through that thought in my head. I should be paying more attention since he’s my patient, but I’m not. So even when I’m paid to listen, I don’t. I just let him talk in silence, silently.
“That’s his last chance”, she said, But everyone knew it wasn’t, For every chance was supposed to be the last, But it never was.
She has been waiting on him for two years, Loving him with all her heart, Waiting for him to love her back, But he never did.
He saw her love as weakness, And he took it as a chance to use it, She thought that maybe if she let him, Just maybe he will love her back.
So she let him, And boy did he use her! After he was done, There was not much of her that was left.
I only wish she knew, How extraordinary she is! For she is much much more, Than he ever made her feel.
I heard someone scream.
And as I looked around, I realized that I was the one to let out that blood curling sound.
I fell down to my knees and held his head in my arms, close to my chest, close to my heart.
He looked up at me with all the energy he had left in his body and smiled.
I sobbed harder.
“What did you do!?” I cried
“I saved your life, you ungrateful child” he smiled
“I’m no child!” I bickered like I used to, before I realized the situation we were in, “Oh my God, Sam! Oh my God!” I screamed “Why!? After everything I did to you? I was supposed to kill you! You weren’t supposed to do it yourself! And for me! On top of everything!”
“I-“ he winced from the pain in his chest, I wept harder, “I love you” he said, “Ironic isn’t it? Almost a year ago I told you I’ll fight you to death” he shuffled in pain, and swallowed “And here I am now, telling you I love you while taking my last breaths”
I stared at him deeply, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him too, I wanted to kiss him on the lips the same way he did all the way back in the dark library, I wanted to hug him senseless, but nothing was coming out, I couldn’t move, the only thing I could do was stare at him.
“It-it’s okay” he gulped, “you don’t have to say it back, I knew from the start that you could never love me, we’re far too different. I love you Delilah, I always have and always will, even when I told you otherwise”
And as he finished his confession, I felt his body go limp and saw his eyes losing all the life.
“SAMSON NO! PLEASE GOD NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! NO NO NO NO NOOOOO!!” I screamed and screamed “I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH IT HURTS ME TO BREATHE! DON’T LEAVE ME! I’M SORRY!”
No matter how much I screamed, nothing was going to change.
It was only him and I in the big empty ballroom, where my father had compelled me to torture and kill him, “my dear daughter,” he said as people danced around, “you shall kill that Hybrid, for I fear he is much too strong, his existence is a threat to the Throne,” he looked around then continued “but first, you must trick him, he’s a smart creature” he said, “And if you fail to do as I say my dear daughter, you and your sisters shall face the same destiny as your traitor of a mother, for there is no place in this Kingdom for traitors” he paused “you have until the next full moon” and he kissed my forehead and left.
A vampire king’s compulsion can never be broken, I didn’t want to break it at first anyway, I hated my father, but I hated Samson much more, or so I thought. Every day I spent with him, I fell in love with him more and more, while betraying him every step of the way. Until I started looking for ways to break the spell and save myself and my sisters at the same time.
I found a way to break the compulsion, but it was impossible! I had to ask a Hybrid to break it, a pure blooded one, and the only one that still existed was the one I was trying to kill.
But turns out, Samson knew all about it from the start.
And as we stood face to face in the empty ballroom at the night of the full moon, his eyes burning bright and my sword to his chest, I said; “Break it Samson! Break the compulsion and save yourself!”
“I thought you hated me little Delilah? Why are you sparing me now?”
“Do it now! I can’t fight it anymore!” I screamed
“I tried to find ways to kill your father you know? I was trying to find a way to save the day, but nothing could be done in time, so here I am now Delilah, kill me! Kill me and save yourself and your sisters!”
“No! I am no murderer! You can break it! Do it! I’m begging you!”
“If I did, and you didn’t kill me before sunrise, you’ll die. I can’t let that happen”
“What do you mean?” I asked
“I mean… This” he said as he sprinted towards me slamming himself straight through the Phoenix sword, the only sword that could kill a hybrid.
And that’s when I screamed.
He sacrificed his life to save mine… after all I did…
