There were nutty buddy’s and pay days and individual boxes of fruit loops. A large vat of dirt-water coffee, sad bananas and droopy pears. She twisted the three dollar bills around her fingers. Kit Kat’s and snickers. Bubble gum and spearmint Altoids. Her lunch break would be over in fifteen minutes, she would have ten minutes to eat if she picked something right then. But maybe she needed to go to Wendy’s, she had another $1.50 in her car for the 4 for $4. There was also the McDonalds on roadway, that was only six minutes away. Hot dogs, hot pretzels, nachos, eggs. Honey roasted peanuts, salted peanuts, spicy chilly peanuts. She grabbed a muffin and a limp banana and pushed them onto the counter. “Would you like to donate ten cents to The children’s cancer foundation?” the cashier asked, scooping two quarters from the register. “Actually, I want to return those. Can I have my money back?” “I’m sorry, we have a no return policy on items under five dollars,” he said, handing her the fifty cents. “Enjoy your day!” She dumped the muffin wrapper in the trash on the way out and took a bite. It suctioned to the roof of her mouth and she threw the rest in the trash can next to her car. “You find what you wanted?” Maria asked, her head sticking out of the window of her car. “Not yet,” she responded. “You can head back. I’ll be there in a second.” And with that, she shut the door of her car, typed Niagara Falls into her GPS, and turned towards the interstate heading north towards Canada.

As the road ahead of her grew less and less familiar, she began to taste exactly what she wanted.

I want you

heads or tails

                      I lose

                                when love is the game

nearly first place I gave you the prize

then you put me last a plastic trophy

                        now

                                 worthless

                                                  in your eyes. 

She sat in her room alone Waiting Waiting For ever But he whispers to her ”wait just a little longer” As she gives him her body.

I’m shaking in my boots as I sit hunched over in a fold out chair. We have been out here for three hours now and not a single fish is biting. It’s minus thirty, and all we have to keep us warm is a little tent around ourselves. I should have known that going ice fishing with my brothers would not be as fun as it sounded when they raved on about “oh we’ll have some good talking and dickin’ around when we’re there.” Well freezing our arses off so bad we can barely light our smokes wasn’t exactly a part of the plan. The wind had picked up, and the temperature dropped ten degrees by the time we were set up.

“Holy fuck boys,” I say through my scarf.

“What’s your issue, Lily?” One of my brothers, Scott asks. I turn to face him, but he doesn’t look at me. He is focused on the hole in the ice, and the still string on the rod.

“I could use a cigarette,” I huff out. My other brother, Garrett nods his head in agreement.

“Well,” Scott paused to have a swig of his beer. “Do you have smokes?”

“Of course I got fuckin’ smokes,” I say without hesitation.

“There you go then! Have one.” Garrett chimes in.

I sit in my chair and look at them. “I am too damn cold to light anymore smokes.”

(I am bored now. I’m going to probably have a smoke)

(Warning- is very sad, may be traumatic)

The gravel crunched underfoot as she hobbled up to the manor house, listening to the far away noise of waves smashing against the cliff. Although she was the lady of the manor, she was not permitted a key to the door, so she banged the knocker thrice, smoothing her honey-coloured hair and hoping, hoping that everything would be all right. It was only a few seconds before the mahogany front door burst open and she forced herself to beam at the man who appeared.

He had spiky dark hair, and wore a pinstriped suit that cleverly hid his growing potbelly. His eyes glittered with malice and greed. He grinned; her oh-so-brilliant, power-hungry, cruel, violent devil of a husband. “How was the doctors? Did they tell you the gender of the kid?”

She took a deep breath and followed him into their lavish sitting room. The walls were decorated with beautiful original artwork that she adored, and the sofas were plush and sophisticated. A glass vase of wilting lilies stood by the open window and she could smell the fragrant scent of the rose bush outside. But living among this beauty came at a price, and if she was honest with herself she’d rather live in a shack alone than here with him. “Yes, they told me,” she said anxiously, carefully watching him for signs of anger and violence.

“And?”

She knew how much he wanted a boy to carry his name on. She knew exactly what a disgrace a girl would bring to his family. What she didn’t know, was how he’d react. But she could hardly keep it from him, she reasoned- he’d find out either way. “It’s.....it’s a girl,” she heard herself get out.

The gleam in his eye went dull. “A girl,” he said, in a hoarse whisper. Then the dullness was replaced by a dark fire, burning with torrents of rage. He let out a guttural scream. “You would dare bring me a girl?!! You stupid, irresponsible, useless, piece of-!” He leapt to his feet, darting towards where I was sitting on the cream coloured couch, and began attacking me, punching and kicking my stomach. He didn’t care that I was delicate. He didn’t care.

I shrieked with pain and anguish. He ignored me and kept going. It didn’t take a genius to realise what he was doing; he had no use for a female child. Best to get rid of it.

He was at it for hours, I had never known such pain. Red stains blossomed on the cream sofa. Then he gave me one last punch and stormed out of the room.

It took three days for her to pass, and I sobbed for the whole time. When her not-fully-formed body was finally free, I buried her under the rose bush, tears still pouring down my face. She was my own, beautiful Rose.

All I wanted was my baby back.

Must. Help. That’s the only thought that goes through my head again and again as I run. I run so fast that I just sail over the white landscape. I barely have time to register the cold snow between my toes before I’ve left the ground again. This coming storm is a big one. I run even faster.

I’m panting and small cries are escaping my mouth when I see the first signs of civilisation. It’s late, but in the arctic circle at this time of year the sun doesn’t set. Small animals (and an elk or two) scurry out of my way as I bound through the fresh powder towards the little town. There will be help there.

I reach the outskirts. If I stop now, I won’t be able to get up again. My old bones can’t handle this type of strain. A branch snags at my skin but I don’t have enough air in my lungs to cry out. I must save him.

I get more than a few stares- I must look crazy to them. A dark stranger. A wild beast emerging from the forest and charging towards them. A child cries before its mother swoops in like an eagle. She even screeches at me for good measure.

The next person in my path isn’t so lucky. I crash into him and collapse. I need air so badly I can’t breathe fast enough.

“Woah missy, what’re you doing?” he’s older. Kind and wise. He can help. “Hey old girl, it’s okay” he soothes, bending down to stroke me. He checks my collar and looks around. “Where’s your owner, Sadie?” I get up onto my paws and shake off the snow. I’m feeling dizzy, but I can’t stop now. I must save Bennie. I take off in the direction I came from, hoping he’ll get my message.

Stranger picks up his bag and starts to follow me. He smells like the woods. He knows this place. I try to speed up but the wind is blowing against us now.

Can’t. Stop. Save. Bennie.

I whimper at the thought of not getting back in time. I must save him. He is my world.

The snow is blinding, but I push on. It’s not long before I see the smoke. Then the fire. “Holy...” Stranger trails off. He runs even faster towards the burning cabin.

I use the last of my strength to run to the steps and bark. Over and over. I work myself up into a frenzy before I see him come out of the cabin, carrying Bennie. I collapse.

Bennie is doing better. They don’t let me into the hospital much, but Mr Martinez (I don’t call him Stranger anymore) has been taking care of me. He tells me every day how good and clever I am for saving Bennie. I try to thank him and tell him he’s brave for saving Bennie, but of course he doesn’t speak my language.

The pain bolted through his body. He could no longer separate what was physical and what was mental. It didn’t matter anymore. He was tired of drowning his emotions in alcohol. He was tired of using what energy remained on making everyone else believe he was okay. He was tired. Exhausted, really. Completely and utterly exhausted. He cried when he awoke, because he awoke. He didn’t even know what to mourn anymore. Should he cry for the wife he once had? The one who was supposed to love him until the end. It was ironic. When she vowed to love him he prayed he would never have to see the end of that love, now he embraced for an end in hopes he could see her again. He mourned the car wreck that left his body impaired. He was glad his wife had died that day, he would never wish this pain upon her. To live without the other was no life at all and he knew she would agree. He often wondered if even she could love the monster he had become. Probably not. He took one last look in the mirror, he didn’t recognize himself. That was okay. He was afraid he would hesitate, begin to think clearly but he didn’t. No, he was going to go through with this. His hands grasped the rope so tightly it cut into his palms. He wasn’t nervous, he was anxious. He had never in his life wanted something so badly, he could hardly hold on another second. He said goodbye to himself in the mirror and took one last sip of whiskey. “Bye, Jim.” He said to the empty glass, it had been the only thing he truly loved for months but he wouldn’t miss it. He walked to the stair way one last time. He tied the rope tightly around the banister. He stepped up to the ledge, something that wasn’t easy to do in his crippled state. In the last second he asked himself if he were sure. Yes, I want, no, I NEED this. He did. He wanted death more than life itself. He couldn’t wait any longer so he jumped. He felt his feet leave the ledge and... he regretted it. He didn’t need this. He didn’t want this.

Just as the hand blocks the sun from our eyes Does the dam stop water No remorse No regret in its gentle voice As above so below; A voice beckons from the firmament But the clouds dam the sound and drown out all negetivity

My eyes slowly pry open to find light flooding my room. I can’t think straight. I manage to gather the energy to turn my head to my left. The bloody scissors still lay by my head. I guess I’m still alive. DAMMIT. I’m such a failure that I can’t even manage to kill myself... why the hell did I put the blade through my stomach instead of my head?! The pain coming from my stomach is worse than I could ever imagine. “I JUST WANT TO DIE!!! KILL ME NOW!! PLEASE JUST TAKE ME FROM THIS WORLD!!” My thoughts explode from my head and the words hang heavily in the air before fading away, lost in a world unknown to us. My screams somehow overwhelm the searing pain. The people beside the apartment next to me would soon be rushing to check if I was ok. Oh god they have a baby! I’m going to wake up the baby!! Oh god how could I be so selfish?! I’m going to wake up the baby and his parents and they are all going to have a bad day because of me. “IM SUCH A BAD PERSON!!! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME! I DONT DESERVE THIS WORLD!” Tears well in my eyes. The hole in my stomach doesn’t hold a candle to the hole in my heart. And with that, I manage to stand up. I must be on adrenaline. Good. That means I can get to the kitchen and the knives. One foot in front of the other. I can do it. I’m doing it! I’m in the hallway. Almost to the main room, then the kitchen. But then the high turns to low. I stop. I stumble. I fall. The floor comes at me fast. BANG. I’m dead. And now I look down at myself, my screams still heavy in the air. I won’t be a nuisance to anyone else now. The pain still lingers, but that’s ok. That’s all I wanted anyway. :)

 Today, as I was walking in to open up my shop, someone came in and asked me for a few dollars. It looked as if they weren’t poor, that they were just asking random strangers for money.
 Being as though I hadn’t brought my wallet with me to work, I kindly declined his want and I told him that I didn’t have my wallet. 
 Later that same day, the man came into my shop once again. He was looking around for a souvenir, from what I could see, so I went up to ask him if he had gotten some borrowed money. As he turned to look at me, I realized that he had been giving me a strange look. 
 He responded with a question of who I was and what I wanted. I asked him again. “Did you get the money you were looking for.” Before I could finish my sentence, I heard a voice from behind me. 
 To my astonishment, it is the man from before. He kindly thanks me and tells me he received the money and explained to me that the man I was talking to before was his twin brother. It’s a small world after all.