He weaves a web of loneliness Leaves his signals caged Bent and brittle, the legs of a cricket Twitching, dangling Who knows what he’s running from The night, the time, the the The shadows and the wall

If only I’d known that I would be right If only you hadn’t been so stubborn If only we had used the other plan If only the door had been open wide If only we’d been seconds earlier If only he underestimated If only he hadn’t been so well trained If only we had been that much smarter Maybe, just maybe, she’s still be alive

I am small ordinary easily overlooked. I have told myself this long enough, then I realized I am as small as a bolt In a suspension bridge, as ordinary as a commute on a windy day and overlooked at one’s own peril. I recognize the depth of the hole I will leave behind, seeing my value even if no one else does until the morning of swaying buckling bucking collapse. I will hold me in the palm of my own hand feeling my weight admiring my strength marveling at my design. I will put me in my own pocket I will build I will suspend belief

I want to impress you so that you’ll stay If I’m talentless, will you go away? Why would you want me if I’m not unique? Everyone else can be kind and caring.

Only get attention when I’m the best But all I want is to really connect Will anybody just give me a chance, To show you that I’m a really good friend?

I don’t want to be the girl that can sing I want your time, I don’t want flattery I want to be seen like everyone else And still be chosen without standing out.

I lay on the wolves you spread out for me

While you laugh and lay out cards for your friends.

I read how to treat myself with kindness

While you playfully rack up funny wins.

We eat the dirt, but not with gummy worms.

It hits the spot, but not like your smile does.

Like the silly memes I send from Instagram,

Abrupt turns and sweet looks pass between us.

I could be at home, but I like it here.

I’m glad that you like having me here, too.

Because you really make it all better,

And I’d rather share all my nights with you.

I’m not a man and I’m not a woman

Why is that so hard for them all to see?

My body and soul are nonbinary

Defined by no externalities

I’ve always been who I’m meant to be

If only they would open up their eyes and see

Me for who I am, me for being me

My body and soul are nonbinary

Every person has blood inside of them. All blood runs through perfect unbroken veins Sometimes the veins crack open and you cry Sometimes you just can’t muster tears to cry And the pain should finally make you cry But it does not work the way you hoped for.

Where have all those lost silver tears gone to? Will I ever cry again in this life? Do I want to cry again someday soon? I am trapped with this pain, can’t scream, can’t cry I can only scribble ‘help’ over and over On any surface that will let me write.

There is always someone asking me why Why I opened my skin and let blood flow Because they care, they don’t want me to hurt To feel pain is shameful if I don’t ask Reach out for help because that’s what they want. What about what I want to say and do? Do you have any right to shame my scars Any right to say what you think of them?

Do you love me still or want me away? I want to be next to you forever Would you stand with me if I asked you to? Where is the love for me, where is the love? You hid it really well, I can’t find it. Please, please tell me if it’s still there at all. I will bleed more to get you to come back So much endless, forever, ageless blood Come back to me, say it will be okay I still need you, you are still my reason I still don’t want to die because of you I still want to be here and hold you tight Will you still need me, want me, love me too?

Audited thoughts of harrowed memories Recollect investing in disruption Maximum withdrawals from the treasuries Banks of sanity filled with corruption

Regretted actions of delinquency Recompense for explanation forebode Disbursing the spread of malignancy As was agreed upon at the crossroad

Contract honored, now filled with dissension Hoped to accumulate some peace of mind But the banker declared an extension A decision that could not be declined

Eternal indebted obligation Embanked in a brimstone conflagration

The silence after the battle is won Reaches out to comfort my weary heart Peace, peace, peace, my sweet home sings over me Do I wake or dream? Dare not close my eyes Please, convince me sweet silence is real I struggle to believe war is no more Imaginary knives against my throat, Blood runs in my eyes, sword scrapes against sword, But only in my mind do I hear it The throb of the earth anchors me, “Rest. Heal.”

Gaming is so fun gaming is not dumb Parents tell me it’s A bad influence While I argue it’s a great influence This influence is not like drugs or beer A lot of things can be learned from gaming Don’t get hit, try to get first place, git good All the joys of gaming in one system My parents again say gaming is no good Prove it I offered them a controller It’s has been two weeks since that argument Which I had won handedly without doubt But at what cost I can’t enter my room For my parents now play there every day This starts up yet another argument My god!! When is it my turn to play next?