If only you knew the social anxiety that I face, the battles of being alone full of people in society yet, It's like being in a prison of social anxiety, unable to be free, to laugh or enjoy life but the fear of getting hurt, to be laughed at, it’s exhausting and it's just not easy

Just know It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, laugh and have fun, but my fears hold me back and I come undone. I can't control it, even when all I want is your love, I'm afraid to be seen, my heart feels like a glove

If only you knew that words can hurt more than you know, the impact of your words, how they can affect run deep, leaving permanent scars. My heart can't take the constant blow I’m labeled as the dumb one, my confidence is at an all time low

Social anxiety is hard, but it's not my fault, you see? It's because you failed to understand and love me, and that's the key.

Although you know me, I cannot let you see the real me, because the real me isn’t worth seeing, it’s not worth it because I am afraid that you’ll judge me, that you will never understand me and hurt me in ways I can’t handle

Just know I'm not broken, it’s just a little fragile, and I need you now more than ever, can't you see?

So please, be patient with me and don’t give up on me,

Although Some of you cared, but, none of you cared enough to understand me and that’s okay I guess

but what hurts the most is that some of you knew me well, talking all day about what’s deep inside of me even when I had no words to explain, crying and hoping maybe you’ll truly understand my pain

yet you’ve abandon me and hurt me with words as if it was nothing to you, as if my feelings were stupid to you

Although I’ve never given up hoping maybe you’ll want to hear my calls without coming to you but yet you never cared

I hate myself for confiding in you about the things I can never express openly. Things that hurt the most but It's pretty clear that you are one of the people I fear

Fear of those who disappear, who turn away as soon as they hear. But thank you, you have proven to me that I wasn’t good enough for you, You've shown me enough that I was wasting your time

Although It doesn't matter no more, none of it mattered. because you’ll never understand even though I thought you did. I trusted you with my might and it’s now filled with fear

If only you knew and I wish you did instead of being in denial, Social anxiety is not something I can just command. It’s something I can’t control, can’t you see? It's a battle I fight every day, with all my soul, And your love and support could have lightened the weight, but yet you didn't care enough and now you've allowed me to question myself, constantly wondering why I let you in? And why I let you see my weakness? but no it’s okay I guess I actually thank you because now I know my best. My best to be careful around you, to pretend to be strong and show you that I am better than my weaknesses

If only you could see and I wish you had, I often feel afraid, worrying about those who don’t care, This concept worry leads me to hate myself and desire for punishment or numbness to avoid feeling anything. But the truth is, I care a lot, because if I try not to care, I'm on my own and I am too much of a mess to fix my problems on my own.

Just know that there are moments when a part of me almost wishes you’d give me more reasons to hate you, I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it you see? Even though you still hurt me, I care And I know I shouldn’t because of these scars can't be cured, yet I still worry I won’t find anyone who doesn’t love me as deeply as I do

There’s a bubble in my mind surrounds me

As if I can't love myself first until I understand the love that matters to those around me. But know that I'm still a person, in a mess trying to make sense of my pain, trying to find myself and remember who I am without caring too much, finding the light in the dark, without any helping hands. But if you only knew the painful words heavy on my heart that weights me down, that makes me believe that your love isn’t there, The constant reminder that I’m not good enough, that I never mattered but even though you knew

You pretended not too