_You stupid, stupid girl._

_What did you think would happen?_

_What were you thinking?_

That’s the problem.

I wasn’t thinking.

I was _living_.

For a brief moment of my miserable life,

I was breathing and laughing and smiling and feeling and living.

I was so _alive_ that I forgot to think.

And now it’s hitting me like a train,

A force so real and heavy it’s crushing my chest.

I don’t know how I’m still breathing.

I wish I’d stop.

But it doesn’t matter, does it?

It doesn’t matter that I’ve made a fool of myself over and over again,

It doesn’t matter that my own words make me sick.

It doesn’t matter that all I can think about is that image in my head

How I know I’ll never forget realizing how _stupid_ I am.

It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, _it doesn’t matter._

Nothing really matters, not in the end.

I’ll always do something wrong, and I’ll always hate myself for it.

I did this all to myself, really.

There is no one to blame but me.

I dared to hope,

Dared to think it could be better,

That maybe I didn’t have to wither away alone,

That maybe it didn’t have to be me against the world against myself.

I dared to believe I might ever be good enough.

And I’m not. I never will be.

Not for myself, and not for them.

But I’ll smile,

And I’ll hold my head high,

And I’ll pretend.

I will pretend with all my heart that everything is fine,

I’m doing _fine_,

There’s nothing wrong and no need to look closer at me,

No need to notice the cracks spiderwebbing through me, threatening to shatter,

No need to see me crumbling at the edges.

I’ll pretend I’m okay,

Since it seems to be the only thing I’m good at.

But deep down I’ll know-

I will never be happy.

And I will never change.

_You stupid, stupid girl._