I am trapped in my own mind.

I hate it here.

It’s too hot, everything burns.

It’s too cold, I’m shivering.

It’s too full, I can’t make sense of it.

It’s too empty, there’s nothing here.

It hurts here.

It’s like I saw a mirror, and shattered it.

I punched it until my hands bled,

I hated the creature it showed.

I hit it until I couldn’t see the reflection,

But it remains on my eyelids when I close my eyes.

So I took the shards and attacked that thing.

That girl.

Me.

The shards fly around my head,

Slicing everything they find.

“Liar.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I can’t help it!

“Coward.”

I’m sorry, I’m just not brave enough.

“Selfish.”

I’m sorry, I just take and take.

“Stupid.”

I’m sorry, I can’t think things through.

“Imposter.”

Why does everyone else think I’m someone else? Why do they say such kind things about me? What… what have I done to deserve that? Why do they not see me?

“Worthless.”

I am, I am, I am. When I try I fuck things up. When I think I’m helping I only hurt. When I think I’m okay, I shatter everyone around me.

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

I have two questions. One I… I already know the answer to. I don’t want to face it so I keep hiding.

The other, someone please tell me.

Why am I my best, my kindest, my most caring, my least worthless, when I hate myself?

Why do I fix other people when I tear myself apart?

And why is the opposite true too?

Why do I hurt the people I love when I’m actually happy?

I’ve delt with a third question recently.

It had been haunting me for a while,

But now I finally know.

The question was “what the hell do I do?”

And I don’t really know the true answer,

But I know the right direction.

I hurt the people I love,

Especially when I’m happy.

When I think I’m okay,

I tear other people apart.

When I decide to be whole,

I shatter other people.

So the answer to “what do I do?”

Is relatively simple.

I tear myself apart.

I tear myself apart and hand my shards to the people I care about.

They’ll keep them safe.

And I won’t hurt anyone else.

I won’t think of myself AND others.

That doesn’t work.

I thought I could,

I thought I was enough to make that work,

And look where I’m at now.

Where you’re at now.

Look what I’ve done to you.

I fucked everything we had together.

I tore apart every beautiful thing you gave me,

And I didn’t even REALIZE.

I didn’t even see what I was doing to you.

And then I saw a glimpse,

A single glimpse,

At all the hurt I was causing.

So I…

I did THAT.

I thought I was helping.

This fucked up brain of mine honestly thought I was sparing you.

Us. Me too.

I was selfish,

So. Fucking. Selfish,

And I am so so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I couldn’t even see what I was doing to you.

Honestly, I’m still a coward.

I don’t want to know the full extent of what I did to you.

I’m too scared to know all the pain I’ve caused.

But no more.

I swear to everything I’ve ever believed in

No. More.

I’m done hurting people.

I can’t anymore.

No, nevermind that.

I WON’T.

I will think through what I’m doing,

I will actually think about my actions.

I will finally stop hurting people.

I’ll stop choosing me.

I’ll stop being selfish.

I’ll stop putting myself above other people.

I’m done with it.

I’m so sick of myself,

Sick of my mind.

I thought I would write this poem about begging someone to let me out of my head.

I don’t need to.

I can break free myself.

I’m strong enough.

I’m done being worthless.