Impulsive Actions
I love coffee mugs
Do I like coffee?
Or tea?
Or anything in between?
Well no
No I don’t like coffee for my coffee mugs
And I don’t drink tea in the afternoon
And I won’t pour hot chocolate either
So why do I want these mugs?
I like the designs
I like the pretty colors
And I like the idea of them
They bring me joy even if I have no use for them
So I’ll continue to collect mugs that will soon start to collect dust
I love getting packages in the mail
I don’t need these things
I could spend my money on something more important
Like food
Or my future
But here I am scrolling
Trying to find a sticker that I’ll put in my drawer and never look at again
Or a pair of shoes that I love the idea of but will never wear
Maybe even a hat because it’s cute no?
Of course it is
But am I going to wear it?
Well no
Because I don’t like hats
And yet here I am buying things off the internet for a little joy that won’t last more than a week
I love my friends
There’s no argument about that
But I often wonder if they love me back
Or if they like talking to me the way I like talking to them
So I’ll isolate myself
I won’t reach out
I won’t text first
And that’s okay
Because maybe this will bring me a little joy
A little relief so I don’t have to worry about the friendships that won’t last forever
The love that won’t last forever
It’s strange
Isn’t it?
How I do these things because I like the idea of joy
I like the idea of happiness
But really my bad mood
And my poor mental health is a result of these little things
These little things that_ _are supposed to_ bring me joy _
Hm
Okay
But I’m looking at these mugs that fill my cabinets and I can’t help but feel stupid for wasting my money on something I’ll never use
I look at my shoes I’ll never wear and feel guilty for buying them and not being responsible with my money
And I look at my friends after isolating and realize that I’m the reason we’re drifting apart
I often do things with good intentions
To make myself feel better
But maybe
Maybe I’m destroying my life without realizing it
Maybe _I’m_ the reason why every time I feel happy
I start to feel horrible
And i feel as if I’ve just taken ten steps back in my life