Hope.

I’m fighting for it.

I really am.

I’m fighting to hope

That tomorrow I’ll be able to fight.

Because it’s just…

Too much and not enough.

There’s too much around me.

My overwhelming summer class,

The secrets I’m hiding,

All the things I’m failing, ruining.

There’s not enough inside me.

There’s…

Nothing, really.

I just keep hoping

That I’ll someday be able to hope again.

It feels like there’s a void inside me,

An awful hollowness.

But no one notices.

Sometimes _I_ don’t even notice.

Because it’s so easy,

Too easy,

To force my expression

Into emotions that I just don’t feel anymore.

Too easy to type words I don’t relate to,

Don’t understand.

Too easy to eat just a little less than I usually would.

Too easy to be just a little lazier,

A little slower,

A little less enthusiastic.

Too easy to watch another part of myself slip away.

I don’t think I even feel it anymore.

I don’t think I even miss it anymore.

When this first started,

It was awful.

It was raging fires,

Infernos tearing my mind apart.

It hurt.

It was waterfalls over my cheeks,

Broken shouts when I snapped,

Nails clawing at my skin,

Trying to escape the overwhelming crush of emotions inside me.

It scared me,

The days when I felt numb.

I didn’t care about things I used to love,

I didn’t care about things I used to hate.

Moments like those terrified me.

But it never lasted long,

That haze broken by me bawling my eyes out on my bedroom floor.

And then…

What?

I burned myself out?

I’m not sure.

There wasn’t a special day,

No enlightening moment

Where I realized my feelings were…

What are they?

Lost?

It snuck up on me,

Like falling asleep,

The realization that I didn’t care anymore.

About anything.

The numbness that used to scare me didn’t even bother me anymore.

I couldn’t bring myself to be bothered by it.

I still can’t.

I’m writing this as if I see it as a problem,

And I do, I guess.

This isn’t how normal people feel, right?

But honestly, I don’t really care.

I am what I am I guess.

There’s definitely some faulty wiring in my brain,

But I really

Don’t

Care.

So, _hope_.

That’s what this was supposed to be about.

I guess I’m just hoping my mind welcomes hope -

Or finally cuts it off completely.