To my former friend Charles. Your most recent antics have forced me to end our friendship permanently. You have revealed yourself to be an untrustworthy rodent of a man. Throughout our friendship we have had many disputes and hurdles along the way, for example when I dressed like your dad and made love to your mom during our fishing trip up north in 1992, and also when I told your mom your father had passed away although he simply was on a work trip just so I could yet again make love to her. Twice in one day on the porch. But none of that is even a fraction as despicable as what you have recently done to me. I distinctly remember telling you never ever under any circumstance touch the red bouncy ball in the Second lowest drawer of my computer desk. I remember you using your lying snake tongue to assure me that you would never dare to touch the ball, I even remember you suggesting I was paranoid and saying that I “worry way too much about the red bouncy ball” and saying that the ball was “gay” and “barely even bouncy. I awoke this morning and immediately checked on my ball as I always do. The drawer was empty, the ball nowhere to be seen. You were the only person, besides myself, who knew the secret location of the ball. My dad likes to act like he knows but he’s full of shit, he doesn’t know shit. He’s way too gay and fat to be trusted with the balls location. The jig is up, just come clean, be honest and return my ball to me. If you return the ball to me politely and swiftly I will put in a good word with the judge to try to shorten your prison sentence. If the ball is not in the drawer come sunrise tomorrow I will hunt you down like the dog you are. I will erase you from history and bounce the ball on your grave as I poo diarrhea on your headstone. The clock is ticking. Choose wisely.

Dearest Richard. It seems as though you having quite the awful day. Your precious ball…..vanished. Where could it be I wonder? It’s been over a day now since it’s disappearance…..by now it could be so, so far away. What a shame. With every minute that passes, the odds of you ever reuniting with your beloved ball shrink. You probly feel lost ….like a leaf floating alone atop a vast ocean. I just might be able to assist you with your dilemma. But then again perhaps not. I can picture you now, anxious and confused, squirming like a worm as you analyze every possible outcome. As I’m sure you have already realized, I have the ball you pathetic fool. Don’t fret though, the ball is bouncing higher than ever before. I never cared much for you Richard. I used you. I used you to get closer to the ball, the precious red ….bouncy…..sexy……ball shaped….ball. It was too easy, like smacking candy on a baby. If you have a single ounce of intelligence in that deflated, underdeveloped brain of yours you likely are aware that you will never bounce your special, “gay”, “barely even bouncy” ball. You’re weak in both mind and body, and I looked at your dick while I was in your room stealing the ball and although the length was adequate, it was rather skinny and smelt of mustard. I must be going now, I have bouncing to do. You should buy a ball of your own, I think you would love it.

Truly yours, Charles.

To the worlds biggest fool. It was hard finding an address with which I could reach you, hard but not impossible. Thankfully your dear mother has been assisting me. It appears your father is missing again, your mother is very lonely….very vulnerable. But I won’t bore you with that. I can assure you she is being taken care of. Regarding the ball, you can have it. It’s only a ball, consider it a gift. Allow me to share some tips that may help you understand how to properly enjoy your new toy. Although the ball can bounce quite high….eventually it must return to the ground. The ball cannot escape the ground no matter how far or how high it bounces. You could say the ball and the ground are destined to meet, it’s simply unavoidable. If not for your meddling hands the ball would even be on the ground right at this very moment. Very exciting thing, a ball. Your beautiful mother shares my love for balls. The mere mention of the word “ball” or “balls” makes her quiver and sometimes even moan, she loves them so much! So long my frEND. Until the ball inevitably meets the ground.

This is a message for the clever poet. I hope it is able to reach him behind his big words and clever phrases. Quite the metaphor you used there, you are writing just like an adult. I couldn’t be more proud. Pathetic bumbling simpleton. You can have mother, in fact I planned on you taking her. I assume she’s been keeping you busy, keeping you distracted. I’m very far from you now. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t think this ball will be hitting the ground anytime soon. Because I care so much about my dear friend Richard and his mental well being I’m going to suggest you forget about the ball, and forget about me as well. It won’t be easy to lose such a dear dear sweet friend. But I must. Oh no it appears as though my ball is bouncing away, off to chase it!

To the man standing in the scope of my rifle. Your last letter was far too long, I simply did not have time to read it. It warms my heart to see you in person after all our time apart, although the lens of my rifles scope is foggy and I can’t quite see that handsome face of yours. My victory is assured but I want to time the climax perfectly and make it a grand spectacle. If my math is correct it will take you 4 seconds to reach this part of the letter. So tomorrow morning bright and early im going to watch you walk to your mailbox. Watch you browse through your letters until you open this very one which I have sealed in a distinctly royal blue envelope for visibility from my rather far range. Once the letter has been unfolded I will count to 4 and launch a very very exceptional satisfying bullet into your skull. I regret to inform you that this, sadly, will end your life. It is as this moment I will approach your corpse and your joke of a campsite, Retrieve my ball and return home to my beautiful gorgeous mistress. I think you may even know her. Silly to even continue to write and waste all this ink, you will never see these words. Still writing them satisfies me.

P.S . I live in your house now ! Quite the place

All you had to do was listen. But now your dead.

To the overconfident coward who misses both his ball and his shot. It’s not every day you see a blue envelope. Especially not a blue envelope that is so crisp and free of dirt that at first glance you would assume it hadn’t even travelled a single mile from where it was sent. And you should seen the look on my face when I returned to my tent with my letters in hand and read them in my tent. Safely. In my tent. Hidden. Safely. Anyways where was I, You’ll never guess the situation I have found myself in. It appears as though some idiot is following me on my exciting, ball bouncing adventure. This new follower of mine is quite the noisy fool, I swear he breaks every single stick, twig and branch he awkwardly stumbles into. I can hear him now even, I imagine that if I were to yell he might even hear me! So exciting this new game is! Hmmm but what to say to my brave yet completely outmatched opponent. Oh I think I know just what to say. If you’d like, I would love to keep you updated regarding this exciting game. If I were a betting man I’d say I am the favourite to win. My enemy is brave and determined, but he seems to lack awareness. Just the other day I spotted him sleeping with my scope and I was actually able to walk up to his sleeping body and eat an apple from his pack. I considered urinating on him as he slept but that would be far too crude and vulgar and I prefer to carry myself with dignity and class so instead I decided to urinate beside his defenceless sleeping head. I’d say 6 inches away at most. He slept right through it, heavy sleeper this playmate of mine. I’m curious if he was dreaming, perhaps of something he lost. On the way out I tripped on his rifle and nearly fell down, I hope I didn’t adjust his scope to the point of being unable to accurately shoot. It’s nearly impossible to hunt with a crooked scope.

I hope this letter reaches you. I miss you dearly. I gave this letter to man who said he sees you every day and he assured me it would reach you. You will never beleive what I am about to say but I can assure it’s true! This game you speak of, it must be a popular game in these parts cause I am also playing it. I assume it would be quite fun to be the one being chased, I am playing the role of the chaser in my game and it’s quite exhilarating. I think the game should be called “Predator and Prey”, with the man in front being the prey and the man chasing being the predator Speaking of apples, it appears as though my prey dropped an apple earlier today. Being the honest man that I am I returned it to him and placed it under his hat which was resting beside his extinguished fire. I even left a bullet beside the Apple, just in case he was running out. I decided to also leave a note between the bullet and the Apple that said “FOR YOU”, just to make sure he knew the apple was for him.I assume he was out hunting or maybe just admiring how beautiful the landscape is here. It’s so pretty, It calms me. Even something scary like dying wouldn’t be so bad in such a lovely place. But I need not worry about that. Some might but not me. Earlier today I heard a voice yell “FULL MOON TONIGHT”. I’ll have to check that out, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. In fact I’ve been staying up all night nearly every night. I fear that if I sleep I might miss something happening in the dark, and that would deeply upset me. Even stranger is the fact that I don’t even feel all that tired despite my lack of sleep, i might even be able to stay up all night again tonight! How many nights in a row do you think you could stay up for Charles . Can’t wait to discuss this in person next time our paths cross.

To whoever roams this desert. Specifically Richard. Incredible that both of us are playing the same game, even though neither of us have any idea where the other is, we could be thousands of miles apart! Or maybe 115,who knows! I learned something very helpful tonight as the sun set. Next time you know your opponent is west of you, face your tent to the north. If he’s stupid and simple minded enough, he will assume you can’t see him! But I doubt your opponent is as sloppy as mine, don’t get me wrong though, I am relieved to have such an easy effortless win my first time playing. Do you recall the last time I spoke of that old ball we discussed earlier? I haven’t seen it in a while. Neither of us have I suppose. Maybe I left it with the blue envelope by mistake a few campsites back. Luckily the postage cart comes through this area once every 3 days , surely he will see it. Am I ever glad I wrote my name and address on that blue envelope before I left it there convienant displayed on a tree stump that will be very clearly visible to anyone on the road. Hell, with a little bit of good fortune the postman might even be smart enough just to mail the ball and the letter to my house. I hope nothing bad was in that letter cause I bet whoever receives it back home will be very curious to read it. Oh well I’m sure it was just a flyer or something irrelevant like that. The type of thing so obviously worthless you don’t even open it. Why would you when you already know exactly what it is? I must admit to you, I was a little nervous earlier. Between the hunting game and losing my ball I had a lot on my mind. If all goes well my ball and that silly blue letter should be about halfway home by now. Can I share something with you Richard? I don’t much like this game. At first it was quite thrilling, two men leave the town but only one can come home. But it’s boring now, it’s much easier than I thought it would be. The moon is gigantic tonight I wish we could share it. I wonder if you’re looking at it right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could hit a bullseye with a rifle at , oh I don’t know, 115 feet in this type of moon light. Richard you won’t believe this, the guy I’m about to shoot in the head looks just like you! Same old ratty hat you always wear. My goodness he’s even wearing the same piece of shit, low quality, boots you wear. You should see how stupid he looks Richard. Oh I nearly forgot to tell you, I swear an angel visited me early today. It was the craziest thing. Being the fool I am, I spent my last dozen bullets last night shootin at birds just to kill the time. Figured I’d have to find a way to get by without the use of my trusty rifle. As you know, I’m no slouch with my hands so I decided I’d have to sneak up real close to whoever’s been following me and end it the fun way. So I’m in the bushes, no more then 10 feet from his obnoxiously obvious hiding spot, I take a deep breathe, do my best to convince the hairs on my neck to sit down. I searched and searched but nobody was home. This is where it gets crazy, unexplainable even. God must have money on me or something cause when I got back to my spot. Sun was gettin low and I’m not a big fan of being blinded by sunlight so I grabbed my hat, you know the one, and almost as if it was personally delivered by an angel, under my hat there was a bullet with a note saying “FOR YOU”. I know it sounds preposterous but I promise you it happened Richard. Between you and i Richard, I don’t know if I would of even had a chance without that bullet.