I’m humming in my head,

Conducting an imaginary orchestra.

Arbitrarily moving my hands,

Typing out the words most present in my mind.

I look like a mad woman.

I feel like a mad woman.

My emotions have the range of Jekyll and Hyde.

I am anxious,

I am paralyzed.

I don’t understand why I can’t move.

It is unclear what I want.

Without this strong desire I stay still on the couch.

Without any movement I stay still within life.

Except life moves on.

If I could get it to stop with me,

If I could do that…

I don’t know how to follow it.

I don’t know if I am capable.

I don’t want to remain trapped in the past,

But I don’t want the future to become the present.

Life doesn’t give me much a choice in that.

I hate feeling so out of control.

I hate this feeling.

I’m so scared for tomorrow.

Because tomorrow is a milestone.

I have looked forward to this day.

I don’t know what will come after it.