I hate that im open to you still Waiting on you still

For moments held firmly within you

Still hoping that you feel_ like you don’t need to hide yourself

Paranoid thoughts had your back arched

Curved in a stance Hands pressed against mine

I felt it and yes I hate it

Express your anger Test your limits again Tell them I am yours

Lock your eyes to their jugular, rip out their throats

I know, it’s not your desire To hurt, make worse a given situation

But fuck forgiveness All this sorry for your loss shit

I hate this feeling

Let me scribble it through this page Clean your dishes for you Steal some weight from your plate

Tell me I’m yours

Sick of your messes All your good intentions make me sick to my stomach

This perfect self you’ve perfected Self preservation at it’s best I feel nauseated of what you’ve become

Im sick of you

I remember nights spent with your pen Held us both till the AM

I was the blue inside the ink The tap within the sink

But now your sink remains untapped You said we’d meet again

You told me I was yours

I cried, poured my heart out tried to rekindle a flame, un existing

No more lamp lights or Nights sparked with our thoughts

I think we’re through

You don’t need me Say you do, but you don’t mean it

I can see it in your eyes Decided choices don’t have me in it

So I’ve blocked you

If only you could see The girl behind the perfectly perfect forced smiles the girl who cries alone in her bedroom longing for something anything to make it all better if only you could see the girl behind the bright eyes and peefect clothes the girl who dosent feel loved if only you could see the girl behind the scenes where she just needs a hug and a reasurring voice to tell her that is is ok …

🫀

Tear

Tear

Tear me to pieces

Tear

Tear me to pieces

My scars are bleeding

Screaming and pleading

Kill me if needed

Lay me to rest right next to my demons

Walking inside

Where there is no light

In the dark with no hope in sight

In the dark where no one can hear my cries

Tear me to pieces

Kill me I’m pleading

I bring no purpose to life

Just let me die

I too tired to fight

My final words will be what I write

I see no end in sight

Hopeless

Worthless

I’m worth none

Maybe when I die I’ll be worth sum

Maybe when I die people will feel some

Won’t be numb

Tear me to pieces

Scars bleeding

Screaming and pleading

Kill me if needed

Tear me to pieces

Kill me im pleading

If you saw a teenage girl Skinny lean, Brown skin the color of melting wood Orange eyes, dull, eyebags underneath A turtleneck jacket, her face half hidden in the thing Voice quiet, getting loud then ended abruptly Eyes twitching as though she didn’t know where to look

Would you give her a dollar if she asked? Would you trust her enough to dig into your wallet while she’s standing there, watching?

That girl is me And my brain gave me that thought tonight Race is an issue world wide But I don’t think of myself as “Black” Mostly because I don’t fit the stereotypes That define “Black”

Smart for her age A shiny little thing Shy, curses of course, But “Oh my god! You sound White!”

“Uhm…? Okay?”

My teachers look at me in a weird way Not all, mostly only one

I don’t like him Kinda

And there’s this short guy We’ll call him Laughter I like it when he pays close attention to me When he says something funny and turns to me When he hits my desk on purpose and turns to me

It makes my heart flutter

But then he turns away, each time As though I’m uninteresting And I wonder:

What makes me me?

Is it my mind My family My accent My way of speech My friends My body My actions What I love

I don’t really know….

Who am I? Why am I here?

These are questions that I wish to be answered. I wouldn’t say I’m sorrowful—I have never felt sorrow in my life. That deep dark sadness dragging you down over and over again.

So I ask again: What makes me me?

And what makes you you?

14 years old is not very old.

14 years old is not old enough To be shooting up a school To be killing 4 human beings To be in jail

14 years old is not very old.

And yet When I see the news There was another school shooting And the culprit was a child.

What is this cruelty that we’ve been taught As students in schools And children in homes Homes that should be teaching kindness

What does this say about America? A 14 year old should not be able to buy a gun. A 14 year old should not be able to hold a gun.

What does this say about gun control?

When are we going to talk about this? When someone attempts to assassinate a presidential nominee? Oh wait.

(Draft #17, thx Rose Bud for suggesting this to me.)

14 years old Is not very old.

Most people just started high school And some are still in eighth grade.

14 years of age Still makes you a child.

And yet- And yet…

Yesterday I saw a post Online Of a girl.

She was grinning like the happiest person on earth. The description went something like, ‘My daughter never ceases to amaze me.’ My parents used to know her parents I think.

The girl was kneeling By the body Of a dead bear.

The 14 year old child Killed a bear Who wasn’t attacking Just trying to live.

And the parents Encouraged it Such violence From a child Is incomprehensivable.

Human hurt humans But why do we drag animals into this Why are we so cruel?

Why do we do this? How can a 14 year old do this?

14 years old Is not very old.

When the medicine, Was as sweet as sugar. We had just lost her, And hell had to be seen.

Eyes closed and head bowed, Feeding each other sadness. Adding to our heart’s stress, All happiness shadowed.

Trying to feel human, But coming up short. Agony holding court, And I am not part of this Ken.

Not walking apart, But always hurting. Changed from a king, To off the chart.

..,

Love you R

…

🖤

Can you feel it? Can you feel the tears streaming down my face as my head is on your shoulders

Can you feel my whole body tensing up

Can you feel my hands starting to sweat underneath the comfort of your palm

Can you feel my breaths getting faster and faster

Can you feel it? Can you feel how hard I’m trying to not cry? I feel like it’s obvious I can imagine the whole room can hear my heart beating out of my chest That you can feel me breaking down inside From the flashbacks going through my mind

And for a second I wonder what would happen if I broke If I allowed my emotions to show What would it feel like? You might squeeze my hand tighter Give me an extra long goodbye hug Maybe even give me some comforting words

But I can’t I can’t let myself go I can’t let you see how much I’m hurting I can’t And I’m sorry I’m sorry for the both of us Because I know I deserve the love that you would show me I know I’m pushing you away by not opening up But I just can’t

I’m sitting here Holding back tears with your hand in mine Wondering if you can feel the emotions soaring through my body Wondering

              Wondering 

                                   Wondering 

Can you feel it too?

I haven’t grown since I was in sixth grade. I thought I had, I wanted to believe that, But if anything, I’m worse off, Or just unchanged.

I forget every now and then, Because I guess egotistical is my natural state, But every now and then someone reminds me, That I’m doing something wrong, That I haven’t changed. So I will change. I will put on a new face just as I have done before, Because I guess that the cracks have started showing again, If I’m being awful I guess. I’ll tiptoe around the things that I say. That’s one of my favorite ways to play this game. I’ve just been reminded I guess, That I can’t get too comfortable, Can’t let the mask slip, Because nobody wants what’s on the inside. Nobody wants the real me. I’m not sure I even know who that is anymore.

One year today, since we got eachother.

Your words, a lifeline to my heart.

But things went wrong, and you slipped away.

I hold onto memories, fragments of our love.

Each message, a bittersweet echo.

I miss your presence, your laughter.

Now, I’m lost, adrift without you.

Every day, I wish, for your return.

Take care, my love, you are my heart.

Come back, I’m incomplete without you.