“We’re gonna get you” is what the voice in my head first said to me.. “you’re not good enough to play with them” so I left. “You’re not pretty enough to be in the video” so I watched. “You’re too heavy to ride this” so I sat on the ground. “You’re too scared” so I didn’t. “Everything is going to go wrong if you go” so I stayed home. The voices were right, they were going to get to me and they did.
They were all gone. All of them, just like that.. this describes how I feel what happened with my friend groups. They always say your circle of friends gets smaller through the years and boy were they right. Freshman year I had a lot of friends! Different groups and different standards. sophomore year the groups split and I had one main group of people that I thought were all friends of mine. betrayal and backstabbing taught me otherwise. Junior year that group split even smaller and i ended up with only a handful of those friends. We did everything together, we were a little family away from our own. And then senior year I realized the only person I truly have is myself.. the thousands of people you went to school with will be irrelevant and 95% of the time you’ll never hear from them again. I taught myself to remember that only you can control what happens in your life time, because you’re the only one who lives it.
Grew up in the typical family home. Large house with my mom, dad, brother and lots of animals.. I grew up taking care of my grandma as she was in and out of hospice cuz I was best at it. I grew up saving animals and riding 4 wheelers. I also grew up in my head.. I had no one to talk to often so I listened to my thoughts.. sometimes that got me places sometimes not. But most of the time it got me confused. Stuck on loop too scared to turn the track.. my mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. “stay home you won’t have fun” .. “go! You might have the best night of your life” .. choices, but my story doesn’t have a defined end “but no ones really does” . I thought things were going fine, until my parents got divorced and I was left feeling even more alone. I got a boyfriend and thought everything was better. But now I’m more confused than ever.. “I never got to be single and have fun”, “I love him”, “I want to be able to have fun with my friends”, “he’ll be mad”, “do I do what I want, or do what I should”.. in reality you know how your story should go, you do what makes you happy and you get married. Then you either live a happy or miserable life. YOU write your life story because you’re the only one who can live it. So write it how you want it to end..
I don’t know what to do.. do I do what my heart wants me to do or what my head is telling me to do.. do I follow the dreams that I come up with every time I leave or do I stay “where I belong”.. do I take off and run away or do I stay here and lay in bed and think about doing it .. do I branch off and try to be my own person or stay where I feel “comfortable” .. am I scared to face reality or am I scared to grow up.. I know I’m scared to make the wrong decision but is any decision actually wrong? Everything happens for a reason right? But I want to know the reason and we can’t. I want to see how the future will be with each choice I make but we don’t have that ability.. I want to know if the consequences are worth the struggle for the choices I want to make.. if only we could see the outcome before we make decisions maybe everyone would make the right one..
