it’s death day

a special day.

a morning, afternoon, and evening that belongs to those of the dead.

every year, the air is tense and the clouds are dark. people around are drenched in fear.

they don’t want to be next.

the dead choose carefully, ones with the darkest future.

but today, on this death day, im certain.

the only light is from the sun peaking through the blinds, which isn’t often.

i know death is calling me.

i pick up the phone.

i am unique. everyone is unique and different in their own ways, but i have a job that is the most unique out of all of the variations.

i’ve watched the world for quite some time now. i’ve seen it’s darkest moments and it’s happiest moments. i’ve watched it go cold, and i’ve watched it go hot. throughout the gloom and guilt, i’ve been there, right by the world’s side. 
 i like to think that i’m that reason why the earth spins. i keep it going. from here, i light it up. no matter when it goes through the darkest of dark, i’ll always be there, shining. 

most people say i’m always shining. i brighten up their days, and prepare them for what’s to come in the absence of light.

i take good care of the earth too. despite observing it, we’ve grown quite the friendship. the earth is always near, whether it’s cold and miserable or hot and joyful. i find earth more than a study or inspection. i think the world is my friend.

everyday, i see the two parts of the world. sometimes i see the conscientious, unforgettable, and the simplest parts of it. the other times i see the distant thunder, unsettled, and the complicated. 
  i enjoy watching the fluffy white clouds pass over areas of land. i wonder what it would be like to run far into the fields of green, or the mountains out west. 

the tiny ball of life in-front keeps spinning. that is something i see, and i always admire it. even in the roughest waters and the longest battles it keeps on spinning. it makes sure that everything knows that it will not be stopped. i look up to the earth, even if it’s miles away from me.

observing the world has become common to me. but i also see others. far away past all the stars hides an orange-beige planet. it has rings that stretch for miles and miles. i take a peek back there sometimes. although i love to explore the unknown of those around me, the world will always be my biggest wonder.

how bright do i shine?

i question whether the earth knows about me. it probably does, i mean i’ve been watching it for more than forever. 

all i know is that the earth will be the earth forever.

and i will be the sun forever.

it’s been one year.

the earth has circled the sun one time.

three-hundred and sixty five days without him.

thirty five million heartbeats.

i still am in shock.

in shock from how long it’s been.

in shock from how it’s not been long at all.

it felt like it all happened yesterday.

i haven’t cried once yet.

but i feel as if sorrow follows me.

they all ask me how i’ve been pushing through.

i spit out a lie, saying it’s tough.

but it’s not tough at all.

they ask how i feel,

about the cause still being not being identified.

i just sit there and shake my head.

they don’t know.

no one has caught onto me.

i have to hide a smile.

behind the blank stare,

is a heart without guilt.

it’s been one year.

the earth has circled the sun one time.

three-hundred and sixty five days without him.

thirty five million heartbeats.

since i murdered him.

i’ve always hated the prompt, “share three interesting facts about you” that was given to me every school year. i would spend the whole period staring at the blank spot where my answer was supposed to be written. my mind would think of anything and everything, but i find nothing interesting about me. my teachers would always scold me. they would annoy me with their, “you have to at least have something write,” i don’t make eye contact, “write something down, or it’s a detention.” but i still don’t know what to put down.

until, i could see the future. it sounds like something that would lie way back in a child’s imagination. it wasn’t a deja vu type of thing. i would get detailed visions, filled with the mysteries ahead. it’s usually in a stop motion form and my surroundings are black and white. that’s not what one would envision when they think of seeing the future. 
 i think it’s astonishing. i can see anyone’s future, the life that is ahead of them. 

it’s useful in a way. sometimes, if i i’m bored in the middle of class i can just see what the girl next to me is doing tonight. sometimes, i think about scaring people into thinking i’m some psycho. the looks on their faces would be priceless. i love seeing the unseen of what’s ahead. it was interesting, i enjoyed being able to barge into people’s personal life.

except when you know the girl to your right is going to kill someone tonight. 

i tense up immediately. the vision had lasted for about 3 minutes, and most of it was bloody and gruesome. 
 my heart sank as soon i realized what was going on. i recognized her after a second of watching. she broke into a tall green door. she had a motive. 
 
the girl then rushes up the stairs. she’s been here before. she’s studied the layout. the whole house is dark, the only light peeks through the windows from the moon. i can see the silver knife in her right hand. the grip is so tight that her knuckles are white. her long blonde hair sways behind her as she guides herself through the house.

 we’re on the second floor now, and she has stopped herself. she’s looking around with evil eyes. i can feel her anger. i can feel the headache that comes with. and i can hear her heartbeat.
 she steps closer to a door on the left, only pausing when she arrives at the door. she takes a deep breath. her hand grabs the golden handle, giving herself access to the victim. 

a boy is laying on the bed near the window, snoring softly. his face is rested on-top of a pillow. the blue comforter is his only protection. the girl starts to study him, walking near him to get a closer look. her knees are now on the floor, and she’s whispering something to him.

  “rot in hell, bitch.” 

i’m getting chills sent down my spine. i’m witnessing a murder. i’m a first hand account of a murder. even if i’m not there, or this isn’t even happening in the present, i know what happened tonight. 
 the comforter is now pulled back. she takes the knife back and brutally takes away the life of a boy. she slits his throat, cuts into his stomach, and stabs him multiple times. she’s going ballistic on him, having no mercy. 

 the next minute is filled with evilness .

blood is seeping into the mattress and the floor. the girl is still stabbing him repeatedly. 

  it’s so loud, yet it’s so quiet. 

 she’s experienced. she knows where to puncture the boy. he was definitely dead within the first couple stabs. she’s quick with it, hoping that his parents won’t hear the knife sliding in and out of him. the knife stops abruptly as she pants. she put in so much strength to murder him. 

she gets up quickly, admiring her work. once she turns around, i can see her face. it’s all red. she’s covered in blood from head to toe. the boy is unrecognizable. she’s made a mess. the bed is soaked in the red liquid, and it’s all over the floor too.

   she doesn’t clean up. she leaves. 

“do you know how to do this problem?” the girl next to me asks, it’s the one from my vision. she’s pointing at a number on her page. i state at her in horror. i know what she’s going to do tonight. “are you okay?” her face turns into confusion. 

“i can help!” the boy across from us chimes. right as he says that, the bell rings. the girl frowns. 

“just come over to my house tonight,” he says, “we’ll finish it there.”

it wasn’t easy. nothing about leaving is easy, but i wish it was. i regret not telling anyone, but they would’ve turned on me. i’ve tried everything to avoid it, to avoid my guilt and sorrow. leaving my past behind is a big thing to do.

 i’m saying goodbye to the memories that were once made in my childhood home. i’m saying goodbye to the train tracks that i once stood on, searching for my target. it’s not like i didn’t want to do it, but it’s the guilt that follows me around. suspense and sorrow is backing my every move, and i’m terrified. every siren i hear, my heart rate increases. this town was once filled with happiness and joy, and now it’s gloomy and guilty. 

if i had to choose, i wouldnt leave. it’s all my fault, all of it. i knew what i was doing and what would follow. i still regret the choice of where it took place. maybe i should’ve drove an hour or two away, so i could still live in the bright city. instead, im having to start a new life. a life that wont haunt me for my sins. a life where i didn’t mess up. i knew that if i had confessed, i would’ve been taken away somewhere and the sun wouldn’t shine. 

 my last choice was to be known for something i shouldn’t be known for. i would rather leave my whole life behind, no matter what happened to me. although it hurts, i know it’s the best.

 i’m starting to realize that maybe i wasn’t wrong for doing what i did. i’m starting to think i shouldn’t leave. i could keep passing by my old school, where i broke my first bone. i can keep visiting my mom like i promised. i can stay here. with everyone i know.
     but then everyone would know, and the whole town would crumble. it’s already in mourning , what more can the people take? if they found out, what would they do? i’d have to leave then. so why not leave now? it’s better to leave sooner before i change my mind. i start to think of all the flaws of my hometown.

i hate that it’s small. i hate that only old, white, and entitled rich men live here. i hate that the women have to cook, why can’t we be studying in school houses? i hate that i cant vote, or speak for myself, or talk to whoever i want. i hate that i don’t want to leave.

 it’ll be easy, i think to myself. i get up and go in the dead of night. when the birds don’t chirp anymore, and when the galaxy is open for exploring. i will leave. i will leave my home. i will leave my mother, father, my sisters, and my brother behind me. and i won’t look back. 
  the birds aren’t chirping anymore. it’s a silent night, all my family are asleep. it’s my time. i steadily get up from my bed. i take a deep breath. i remember when me and an old school friend would jump around in my room, and pretend we were singers. i open the door. i remember when my old dog, tommy, broke the handle. the stairs are awfully quiet when i take each step. i remember when my father scolded my mother because she spilled juice on the 4th step. the wind is chilly, pushing my long, brown hair to the left. the trees aren’t moving, and everything is still. i feel as if time is frozen. 

the door behind me shuts, and i don’t care about leaving anymore. 

 i’m running, and running, and running. i run for what felt like a lifetime. i need to leave. i hate it here. 

finally, there’s no more buildings or shops. it’s all flat lands stretching for miles. i keep running. the whole town doesn’t know. no one will know. i’m free forever. i don’t ever have to confess or live in fear thinking i’m going to hell. 
the sun is rising over the horizon, creating an orange glow. i’ve always been fond of sunrises. it reminds me of my old home. although it hasn’t been long, i miss it. i know i want to go back, but the feelings that pull me down there cannot live with me. 

the birds stop chirping when i arrive to a fresh start. and that’s because a killer has stepped inside their town, waiting to find my next victim.