I look at myself in the mirror and smile. I tell myself I am happy, "I am happy." "I am happy." "I am happy." I look back at my smile... The way my upper and bottom lip part just so that the perfect bit of teeth show. The way my lips curve upwards to express my so-called joy. The way a single tear slips down my face and melts against my cupid's bow. I wipe the tear spot away, "I am happy." "I am happy." "I am happy." I peer into my eyes and flinch at the sight as if they are screaming at me. They are screaming at me as if to say "You are not happy!" "You are not happy!" "You are not happy!" They flood with tears and pour down my face as I gasp for air. I am drowning in my own lie. I scream back at my eyes "I am happy!" "I am happy!" "I am happy!" If others can believe it, why can't I.

This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long and now that it’s here, I’d admit I’m having second thoughts.

I’ve spent months playing out this day in my head.

I’d walk down the aisle with my father by my side. He’d give me away to Ryan, the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

And that’s exactly how it went…up until the point where Ryan started saying his vows.

Ryan was holding my hands and I could feel him trembling. I smiled a small smile at him as I could feel my heart beating out of my chest.

My mind was telling me “Yes! This is what I’ve dreamt of. You’re just nervous, it’s a good nervous”

But my heart, my soul, was telling me something different.

Ryan had finally finished his vows and I realized it was my turn. I peered into Ryan’s tear filled eyes. I then looked out into the crowd of mine and Ryan’s family. They all looked back at me, expectantly.

And then, I saw her. I sent her an invitation, but I didn’t think she’d come…

My chest felt tight as she gave me a sad smile from the crowd.

I can’t do this.

“What do you mean?” Ryan said confused

Oh god, did I say that out loud.

“What do you mean you can’t do this?” Ryan reiterated.

My gaze never wavered from her, from Emily. The one who got away.

In this moment I realized I didn’t love Ryan. Not in the way I had loved Emily.

Earthquakes no longer feel so foreign to my body. They don't come around as much as they used to. Those earthquakes, they used to rush in with no warning. It felt like they lasted an eternity, yet when it was over, and I would clear the rubble, you would never know what I had been through. Earthquakes no longer feel so foreign to my body in that the slightest sensation of a shake I now grasp onto anything, anyone, so that I won't fall. It's a good thing that they don't come around anymore, But it strange that I miss that familiar feeling...like my whole world is about to be shook up and the only person that can clear the rubble is me.

Gravity, it’s a funny thing. When I was a kid I used to wonder can we just turn off gravity? Just for a moment… The world would flip on its axis and we would all be upside down. I’ve always wondered, that if gravity was turned off Just for a moment, that I would finally, finally Be right side up.

“What do you want me to say Ashlee?” Jack started shouting.

“I- I just want you to tell me you love me. Because I love you! I’ve loved you for as long as I could remember. I don’t think there was a time where I didn’t love you! I just want you to tell me you love me back.”

“Ash, you know how I feel about you”

Ashlee glares at Jack.

Jack continues “I’m with Loura and I love her. I want to marry her and grow old with her. She is who I love. Ash, you and I…we’re just friends”

Ashlee is silent.

“Ash, say something.”

Ashlee looks up at Jack with tears in her eyes, “that’s what I thought you’d say. But Loura didn’t understand you like I do! She didn’t laugh at your jokes, she was always working, and she hated the music you love. She wasn’t right for you!”

“Ashlee, why…why are you talking about Loura like that, like I’m not with her anymore” Jack eyed Ashlee suspiciously.

“Because, Jack, you’re not. I killed that bitch. I knew you would let her get in the way of your true feelings for me. So last night, at the party, I roofied her drink. And while you thought she left and went home sick, I lured her into my car, drove to the old bridge, and I threw her useless body into the river.”

Jack collapsed to his knees, crying.

Ashlee smiled sadly, “Jack, sweetie, why are you crying? Now you can say you love me.”

I shot up out of bed and look at my clock. 2:00 AM.

What was that?

There it goes again. Sounds like somebody is messing with the front door.

My head begins spinning with possibilities of what it may be…a burglar, a raccoon, a murderer?

Winnie, my dog, begins whining.

I finally get the courage to throw my blanket off of me and get out of bed. Shaking, I reach under my bed for my bat. I’ve had this bat under my bed forever, but there’s never been a time where I’ve had to use it…until now.

I realize the rattling of the door knob has stopped. I peer out my window that faces down towards my front door, and I see no one.

Maybe they’ve gone around back?

As if on cue, I begin to hear the back door being toyed with.

Alright, I tell myself, grow some balls and go down there.

I take a deep breathe in and begin my way down stairs. The rattling of the door getting louder, and louder.

My bare foot reaches the last step. The rattling stops.

I tiptoe to the kitchen to where the back door is located, baseball bat in hand. Winnie is right on my heels.

I pass the kitchen counter and notice my wife Jane had left her keys. She works the night shift at the hospital. Her car wouldn’t start before her shift today, so I had to drive her. I’m supposed to pick her up at 6am.

As I reach the door, I brace myself…and I swing open the back door ready to face the intruder.

Nothing.

Strange.

The window!

I can hear them getting in through the side window!

I rush over to the living room and I see them.

It’s dark, I can’t see their face.

They move towards me and before I know it, Im swinging my bat.

crack

My bat makes contact with their skull.

My phone dings twice. Two messages from Jane. The first one reads “getting off early today, getting a ride from a coworker” The next message reads “hospital has spotty service, my texts aren’t sending. See you soon xoxo”

A pit grows in my stomach.

Using my phone flashlight, I shine it on the intruders face.

I let out a breathe “Jane.”

I always love tending to my garden, the sensation of the sun on my back as I dig in the dirt. Except lately, I’ve felt my knees start to harden, and the arthritis has caused my hands to hurt.

No one tells you this about old age, but the things you once loved are hard to gauge. And although you haven’t even begun the day it feels like you’ve been shoved.

My garden was once vibrant and lively, the fruits and veggies were plentiful. But now it’s been taken over by weeds and poison ivy and all I can do is watch like a sentinel.

“Or, remember that one time I left Mr. Teddy on the carousel at the Fall Carnival?” Mason asked, peering up at his dad.

“Oh do I? We were halfway home and you realized you didn’t have Mr. Teddy and started having a panic attack. I got off at the nearest exit and turned back towards the carnival.”

“Yea, and then when we got there , they were closed. There was one security guard and he wouldn’t let us back in. Remember what you did next Dad?” Mason asked.

His father left out a laugh. Mason had always loved his dads laugh, it was hearty and you could really feel his amusement.

“We went back in the car, I looked at you, and you had so much snot coming out of your nose and your eyes were all puffy from crying. I knew I had to get Mr. Teddy back for you.” Mason’s dad looked off into the distance, reminiscently.

“Next thing I knew you were telling me to stay in the car and that’d you be right back and then you jumped the fence!” Mason was now laughing.

“Yup! But that poor security guard chased me all around the carnival, but at least we got Mr. Teddy back, right?”

Mason was still laughing, but his laughter soon turned into a sob.

“Mason, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t believe you’re leaving!” Mason exclaims.

“I know, neither can I, but I have to go, son.”

“No, you don’t. This isn’t a work trip, you don’t have to. I-“ Mason turns away, choking back another sob.

Feeling his fathers hand on his shoulder, he turned to face him.

“I don’t want you to go…”

“I know, I know. But, now that I’m gone, I need you to look after your mom, and your sister Suzy. Alright, can you do that?”

Sniffling, Mason nodded.

“And remember Mason, it’s not a goodbye, it’s a- ”

“ - see you later” Mason whispered finishing his dads phrase.

When he looked back up to face his father, he was gone and all that was left was his father’s grave.