I can’t do this right now. I can’t look into his deep green eyes. I can’t look at his perfectly curled hair. I can’t look at his beautiful complexion. I can’t.

I’ve been dating Austin for the past ten months. I know I should have ended this sooner, but I didn’t have enough guts to break his heart. He wasn’t good for me. Every flaw that’s within me came flooding out when I was with him. He brought out the worst of me, while I brought out the best of him.

After a whole week of talking myself into it, I finally decided to end things. I told him in the middle of his kitchen. Probably the worst place, but I had to do it now. I told him I couldn’t pretend to be happy anymore. I told him I needed someone who cared about me and not just how I look or my reputation. I told him I loved him but he wasn’t the person out there for me.

I could see his heart shatter in his eyes. Every memory of us came flooding into my mind. All the times we made runs to the grocery store just to stock up on popcorn for our movies. All the times we cooked dinner around my kitchen counter. All the times we had a stupid fight about stuff that wasn’t even important.

I watched as my words crushed him. I can’t look into his eyes anymore. I can’t do it.

As I walked to the door, I saw his world breaking in his eyes. Just as I saw mine starting to do with every step I’m taking away from him. When I sat in my car, I cried. I cried about hurting him, but also hurting myself. I cried about his funny personality, which was my favorite part of him. I know it had to end even though I didn’t want it to. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him it was going to be okay. That I wasn’t going to leave him and we were going to grow old together. We would get married and have kids. We would love each other with all our hearts.

I could never hold his hand though. This was a choice I made, and I happened to hurt us both in the process. My perfect reality of our relationship was just an illusion, and it broke my whole world.

Water is a very relatable thing to me. Preferably ocean waters you see. Like myself, the waters know what it means to be battered to and fro. Waves crash onto the shore. Nonstop Constantly going and moving without seeing a solid rock. Nonstop It calmly flows while breaking on the inside, Being admired on the outside. Just like the ocean waters, I’m always going to and fro. Nonstop My head spins from the constant moving and crashing of my thoughts. I hide behind a calm mask, my thoughts screaming to be let free. How is a simple thing like water so relatable to me?

Dear Diary, Today sucked. I saw a cute boy in Walmart. He just reminded me of everything I don’t have. At this point, I don’t think I’ll ever find my person. Oh well, maybe love isn’t for me. -Roxie

Journal, There was a really cute girl in Walmart today. I should have asked her out. I don’t know what I was thinking. She was intimidating, but in a good way. Maybe I’ll run into her again. -Kyle

One Year Later…

Dear Diary, Do you remember that guy I told you about? The one I saw in Walmart. Well, I ran into him again today in Walmart. Shocking right, but guess what? He asked me out! Obviously, I said yes. I got his number. His name is Kyle. Isn’t that a great name! So yeah, we’ll see where it goes. -Roxie

Journal, You won’t believe what I did today! You know that girl I saw in Walmart like a year ago? I saw her again in Walmart today. She has my number now. Her name is Roxie. I love that name. I already want to spend the rest of my life with her. -Kyle

Four Years Later…

Dear Diary, It’s my wedding day! I’m finally marrying Kyle. I’ve loved him since the first time I saw him in Walmart. I’m more than ready to spend the rest of my life with him. -The Future Roxie Davis

Journal, I’m going to marry Roxie today. I’m super excited! I might puke though. It’s fine! I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her! Let’s do this. -Kyle Davis

Everyone has their great strength in life. Mine is my composure. I don’t show emotions. I never have. This is why I’m such a great fighter. I don’t feel pain or grief. I can’t feel regret. My strength was the core of my greatest weakness. A long time ago, only about a year, I met a girl. She wasn’t just any girl. She was my girl. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted to grow old with her. We dated for a couple months. She told me she loved me. I didn’t say it back. Trust me, I loved her with all of my heart. That strength I have, my composure, wouldn’t let me say it back. I’ve worked so long to build and keep this shield. It’s gotten out of my control. I can’t turn it off or on. It’s just there, doing everything for me. My girl left me, because I never said it back. The girl of my dreams was gone, and it was all my fault. I would never have that life I wanted to create. I would never have those moments when all you can do is smile. When in my life did my greatest strength transform into my greatest weakness?

I’m in love with a killer. _My _killer. Well, technically he hasn’t killed me yet, but he’s going to. Kevin Rogers was contracted to kill me approximately two days, four hours, and fifty six minutes ago. I won’t tell you how I know this, because you shouldn’t be worrying about that. Though, you should be worrying about my love interests. I always fall for the bad guys. A killer has been assigned to me because of a little crime I didn’t commit. I have been accused of murdering my ex-boyfriend. Obviously, I didn’t, and I actually have no idea who did. They were really smart though. They framed it to where every little detail points back to me. I first met Kevin four years ago before he ever got into the assassin industry. He was my first love. We dated for over two years, until he decided to leave me heartbroken. It was out of no where. He just told me it was over and left. He ruined my life, but I never stopped loving him. I mean how could I. You never forget your first love. Unfortunately, the man I’ve been trying to rid myself of for the past two years is officially back in my life. They told him he had a week to finish the job. I don’t think he’ll commit. After all, he’s never been good at it.

Everyone is always so quick to judge. They always say my sarcastic comments and my rude composure define me, and not in a good way. They say I’m a rude and selfish person who needs to get their act together. If everybody would just listen, they would know the truth. The true me feels so insecure I have to make other people, who seem like they have their life in control, feel bad. I’ve always hated this part of me, but it’s hard to control. I don’t want to be mean. It’s like my body is dragging me into the darkerside. The side with hate and evil. I never want to be on that side. I never want to experience life being someone I’m not. That’s why I’m trying to show everyone the real me. They just need to listen. They need to listen to me tell them I’m not perfect because nobody is. They need to hear me say I’m trying to change, to be better. If they knew me they wouldn’t judge so quickly. They would relate. Everybody has problems, but everyone’s problems come out in different ways. This is mine. So please, just listen.

My mom always told me I was an angel. I was her angel. I couldn’t ever believe her because that’s never what I saw. When I looked in the mirror, I was told to see a charming, beautiful young woman. I was told to be nice and kind. Don’t forget to smile. Always seem confident and outgoing. I never liked that version of me. I knew it wasn’t real. The real me was a shy, heartbroken girl. I had life problems. I wasn’t perfect. I never felt pretty. Sometimes I didn’t even want to be here. In the world, I mean. I never thought I would act on it though, until the day I heard his voice. His voice sounded like my outer angel. The one I didn’t want to be. He sounded just like everyone else in the world. Telling me to be perfect and never make mistakes. I didn’t want to hear his voice. I didn’t want to hear anything. So, I made it where I would never hear anything, ever again.

Twister. A terrible game. The only way to win is to secretly kick your opponents in the shin. Twister is a game of strategy. You have to predict where the other player is going and block their path, all while trying not to tumble over. In my house, we have a Twister competition every year. My younger sister is a five-time champion coming up on her sixth. I got out the first round. Me vs. Dad. I know I should have won, but he pushed me. He really likes pushing my buttons. Tiana, my younger sister, is currently competing against my older brother, Justin. Everyone always gets put out in the same order. Me. Mom. Dad. Justin. Tiana. I have never even been close to winning. I thought that was going to change this year. You know how that turned out. On the mat, Tiana twisted herself under Justin, causing him to sway. “Left foot blue.” Mom is always the caller; personally, I feel like it should be my job but whatever. Justin stuck his foot over Tiana’s touching the last blue circle on her side. This means she has to do a full three sixty. Luckily for Justin, she has short legs. She couldn’t reach another blue circle. Justin won. Justin jumped up cheering because somebody finally broke her streak. He’ll be bragging about this for weeks. I will beat all of them next year.

His eyes. They were my favorite part of him. The way they drew you in. They made you feel as if you were being suffocated by bliss. Although his eyes were wonderful, I wished to never see them again. I’ve dreaded the day I would have to stare into those silky eyes and relive our past differences. He happened to walk through the café door just as I had to leave. I crashed right into his rock hard chest, just to look up to meet those dangerous eyes. Every memory came flooding back…all the times we spent talking and reading together, those board games and chilly afternoons. Memories I loathed. I don’t regret my decision to end things. He did it to himself with all of the stupid decisions he made. I didn’t tell him to cheat on me with my so-called cousin. He shattered me. It was obvious he was suffering too. His dreamy eyes clouded when he saw me. I sensed his presence sadden, as I had learned to do in our two years together. I had no sympathy for him. Fighting the itch inside of me to talk to him, I side stepped out of the door, leaving him stranded on a shallow island of our past.

I’m done. I’ve been here, waiting, in this tower for thirty years. My past lover, Sir Kevin of Sandfolk, promised he would come back for me. He broke that promise long ago, but now I’m taking action. I’ll just have to save myself. I’ve been thinking about how I could go about this. It can’t be that hard right? But for some reason, I had a ball forming in the pit of my stomach, telling me to stop. I’ve never listened to this sign before, so why start now? My gloomy tower isn’t that high off the ground, or at least I think it isn’t. The air surrounding the tower held a mist. It felt like it was trying to reach out and choke me. This just made the forming ball worsen. I knew I couldn’t jump, but I could probably shimmy down with a rope or something. Luckily for me, I had kept an old rope from one of my food deliveries. I grabbed this so-called rope and secured it to a hook in the wall. I carefully gathered the few things I own—an old book, some watercolors, and my mother’s locket, one of my most prized possessions. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. It’s the only thing I have left of her. While reliving the past, I commenced my escape. I glided down the rope, making me feel hopeful for my escape. When I hit the soft ground beneath the tower, my attitude changed. The ball in the pit of my stomach practically burst, causing me to fall backwards. I landed on the wet moss that covered the earth’s surface. It took me a moment to catch my breath. Then, I took action. A rush of adrenaline hit me as I started running. I fled north, where I knew my old home used to be located just as I had planned. After almost running half a mile, I was abruptly stopped by a warm hand wrapping around my forearm. I tried to turn to see this mystery man, but got stopped by a cold blade touching my throat. I don’t know why I was actually planning on being able to escape. Obviously, I’ve been here thirty years for a reason. All the hope from before drained out of me in a quick second. The cloudy trees around me started to blur. My breath quickened, and all went dark.