Red solo cup. Occupying my shaking hand. I stare at you from across the room.

Childish Gambino plays on the stereo. A beat so loud, it causes the apartment to move. You dance along to the rhythm while I pay mind to lyrics.

Rainbow led lights flash in sync. My head aches from it, yet the drink in my cup soothes. I can see illuminations of your expression.

Filas. The brand of shoes you wear as you move.

Three in the morning is the time, now. I should head home. Anywhere but here. But I cannot move.

He did not wish to see her this way. How could he?

In the literal context, how could he. With some fucked up fate, they wound up in the same exact airport at the same exact time. In neighboring terminals.

Of course, he still thought, ‘How can I?’

Her expression was melancholic. Shoulders slumped. Her naturally curly hair was more so deflated and messier than he was used to. The bags under her eyes were detectable from a mile away. Nothing about her seemed all out together.

Now, he couldn’t help but blame himself.

Within their last few days together, they had only managed to bicker or sit in uncomfortable silence. Constantly trying to comfort the girl or set her mind to ease. Still, no dice.

She had only grown miserable. Constantly sulking. Perhaps it was everything that had happened in the past month piling up and now ready to knock her down. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it. How he wished he could fix it. Switch something in her brain to give her that look in her eyes that she once had.

The brightness they held when they first met.

Beauty and life. She held it with such a powerful grip once. It saddened him, seeing her this way.

And now he had to go. Unsure whether he’d see her or here from her ever again.

His eyes were fixated on her. Not being able to help but stare. Until she turned her head to glance at him. Their eyes locked. It sent him back to the day at the gas station.

Locking eyes. Instead of seeming curious, she was filled with defeat.

Those dull eyes filled with tears, slowly. Becoming glossy. Soon enough, she tore away and looked down.

He hadn’t been paying attention but the attendant at her gate had been calling up passengers to board and now it was her turn.

She looked back once more. Her lips pursed into a fine line. Then, without hesitation, stepping out of view.

Gone, once and for all.

Life without you.

A life I have lived. Before your existence in my universe And after you vanished.

Prior to you I did not know this feeling. I dished it out. I was the waitress. I served and delivered. Familiar concepts that were unfamiliar to experience. Ways I did not understand and did not wish to encounter.

Still.

You came around and sat me down. Offering an experience. Ways of living that my being took for granted.

Then began life after you. Lonesome. Reminiscent.

Chasing the sensations you left in my head. Nobody or anything could compare. Slowly I began to realize how impactful you had been. And how much I missed how you cared.

Now I don’t want it. A life without you. I’m unsure of the probabilities that things return to that glimpse I was given. A life with you.

Then it begins.

Blameworthy conception.

Without this particular day, perhaps her future would have played out with ease. Graduating high school, going to college, getting the proper care and help.

Yet, fate decided otherwise.

Tanya found herself at this party. This precise party.

Parties weren’t an unknown concept to the girl. At this ripe age of sixteen, her “sweetest” of years, she had become a regular at high school kick backs or keg parties. Late night gatherings while a students guardians were not where to be seen.

Perhaps her brother was to thank. She followed in his footsteps.

Though, she was more a frequent attender than Alex. Inviting others to deem her the schools residential party girl.

She was exactly that. Picture perfect for the title. A skinny, blonde girl with problems to dance away. While being overly intoxicated from whatever alcohol these teenagers could get their grimy hands on.

It wasn’t until tonight that she had truly become what everyone saw her as.

Drugs were not Tanya’s cup of tea. In all honesty, she had never been offered any form of drug.

Fate chose this night to change it all. As she sat, comfortably on a couch with others. The adolescents around her passed around a bong, Tanya practically bathing in the scent. Her hand babysat a nearly empty red solo cup. Growing curious of the substance that they smoked. Weed smelt familiar on these nights. Occasionally she would smell it on Alex as well. She never grew brave enough to embrace or indulge.

Then one man begged the question. “Yo, Tans, you wanna hit?” He asked between small coughs.

A lump grew nervously in her throat. The feeling mixed with excitement. “Sure.” She sat up, setting her cup down. “Show me?” Her tone had a small hint of flirting to it. Playing a naive role.

“Take it, I’ll light it.”

The two sat closer to each other. With direction, she brought the top of the bong to her mouth. Her eyes watched the lighter ignite and burn the substance in the bowl.

A sound of boiling water rung in her ears. His voice talking over loud music. “Inhale, not too much,” The boy instructed.

As she did, her lungs began to hurt. Not too much. Unfortunately she had already been used to smoking. Only cigarettes though.

He lifted the piece as she inhaled before pulling it away.

“Inhale again.”

Following his instructions, again, she breathed inwards whilst her lips were sealed shut. “Now exhale.”

With a puff of smoke leaving her lips, Tanya was left in a coughing fit. Her lungs and chest burned. Smacking her chest, her eyes watered while another person on the couch passed her drink to her as she chugged it. “Shit—“ She said in a hoarse voice.

A girl nearby laughed. “Are you alright, girl?” She glanced over. The blonde squinted with a thumbs again.

After a few moments passed, she was offered another hit. With slightly more ease, she took it. Then sunk into the couch while she waited for it to kick in. Staring off to people wandering around and dancing.

And it washed over her. A calming sensation. Her soft, pink lips curled into a smile.

“Oh… my.. god…” She mumbled, feeling in awe. Her hands ran over her face, then through her hair. A laugh escaped her lips. Then followed by more giggles. Cheeks growing warmer, body feeling lighter. This is what her life was missing. A feeling of elation.

The boy smiled and nudged her. “Amazing, right?” His tone was gentle.

Slowly, her head slumped to look at him as she began to giggle more and smiled brightly, her nose scrunching up.

“I feel…” Tanya spoke, trying not to laugh. “So happy!” She gasped. He nodded.

“That’s the weed, baby,” He ruffled her hair.

“I’ve never been so happy.”

As she looked away, her eyes drifted to the ceiling. Having her hands roam over her whole body. Examining the texture of her clothes, skin, everything. The music seemed to now drown everything out. Party goers voices turned into muffled noise. She sunk into the feeling. Becoming one in this universe.

Her smile was now soft and delicate. Resting her hands in her lap. This feeling could never end, she wanted to hold it forever. Keep it and feel it every day.