Peter Esquivel
Traveler. Surfer. Writer. Explorer. Songwriter.
Peter Esquivel
Traveler. Surfer. Writer. Explorer. Songwriter.
Traveler. Surfer. Writer. Explorer. Songwriter.
Traveler. Surfer. Writer. Explorer. Songwriter.
I built a home/ Only to watch it burn/ I fed the flame/ To quicken the pace/ I got lost in the embers/ As my mind drew a blank/ Then I awake/ Surrounded by ash/ My mind floods with memory/ Of all the things I just erased/ Instant remorse for what I had done/ Yet regret sits lightly in my mind/ Somewhere deep within/ I wouldn’t change a thing/ A lesson I must somehow learn/ The time it took to build/ How quickly it all fades away/ A life full of effort/ Burned from existence/ Is it time to rebuild?/ Or has the moment passed/ Has life finally got the best of me/ Or given me a second chance/ As I lay my head to rest/ My eyes become heavy/ Tomorrow brings a new introduction/ Rebuild and Relearn/ Or will it only bring Destruction? |
My name gets called to approach the podium. Applause fills the gymnasium as I rise and begin walking towards the stage. I take my place behind the microphone. I look around and see the faces of my peers, eagerly awaiting what I have to say. The teachers stand on the perimeter, monitoring the stewing chaos. I breathe in deeply, and say to myself in a whisper, “Here we go.”
Class of 2009?!? We made it. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. To be honest, I always found speeches to be a bit generic and boring. Unless you reference the ones seen in movies. But life is not like the movies, and that’s probably for the best. You see, in the movies, characters interact and overcome some type of obstacle that they can later celebrate together. But what movies fail to mention, or even suggest, is that life goes on beyond the context of that movie. And things are always bound to change. So for instance, we all overcame “high school” and that’s something we can certainly be proud of. But let’s face it, some of us will go onto post secondary education… some of us may join the workforce immediately… others will travel. But one thing is for certain. We will all go our separate ways, and be faced with a whole new set of obstacles. And one thing is definitely for certain, none of us will be in it together. Sure, we’ll keep in contact through social media, and it’s possible some of the stronger friendships will last. But as time drags on, we will see each other less and less. Some may get married, others may fall victim to drugs and alcohol. And the odd person may travel abroad, never to return. The sad truth is that very few of us will remain here. Because there is still so much life to be lived. So many people to meet. And so many places to explore. I always thought at the end of this year, I would have it all figured out. My goal was to establish a plan, and stick to it. But as this day has now approached, I’ve come to realize that the bigger things in life simply cannot be planned. You can only train yourself day by day, and approach every situation with the best of intentions. There’s no point in focusing on what the “right” decision is, because no one ever lived their best life by getting lucky in choosing all of the “right” paths. But when the time does come, you should make that decision. And be okay with the consequences. For better or for worse. But just remember, at least you made the decision to make a decision. Everyone makes mistakes, and that will never change. So absorb and appreciate the current moment that we are sharing. Because it is literally the last thing we will experience together, as a collective. And I guess that is what makes this night particularly special. A few years from now, we may reminisce of this night to our new found friends in our respective places in life. A decade from now the details of this night will have faded to a quick conversation. And a quarter of a century from now, it may simply be forgotten. When our grand children ask us of the time we graduated high school, we will struggle and long for the memories of this night. By that point, some of us may even be gone from this Earth. In the end, nothing matters. But in this current moment, all that matters is the present. So cherish it. We will never get a second chance to be here. So make the most of it. Bad decisions? Good decision? Whatever it is, make a choice. And make that choice because it is what YOU want. Don’t bother worrying about what others think. A few years from now, they will simply be people of the past. Make a memory. Create a story. You’re the author of this moment. Make it a classic, or simply absurd. Do it for the listeners of future stories you will tell. But more importantly, do it for yourself.
Every day, I wake up at the stroke of 5 I open my eyes, and rise to greet the day There is no joy or hate in my method But a simple need to function and carry on I allow movement through my limbs in the form of yoga A quiet melody plays in the background Bringing a splash of color to an otherwise grey canvas The coffee maker bubbles A warm cup of energy and desire awaits The aroma has grown consuming It has had a few moments to cool Ensuring the safety of my mouth and stomach I then proceed to lay out my morning clothes Every day is the same A light rain and slightly cool temperatures A parka and toque will work wonders I strap on my boots, and I am out the door Never bothering to lock the door behind me Locked doors are unnecessary roadblocks I need to be efficient when I return I walk the block and arrive at my destination A small shop on the corner with worn out cedar shakes Turned grey from decades of sunshine The outside looks frigid But inside, the warmth awaits I greet the clerk with a simple “hello” And carry on through to the green house out back I have come here every day for the past 4 years In hopes that one day I shall see it bloom The Titan arum Somehow it’s here, and somehow I’ve become entranced I’ve told myself that things will change once I see it bloom But that day has yet to come It’s easier to put fate in the pedals of a flower Than in the hands of myself Perhaps that is a metaphor for life Or the description of someone crippled by fear I open the door and look up A flower still green and closed It is not ready to greet the world So neither am I Tomorrow I shall return Perhaps that will be the start of me living For now, I shall carry on being Until I am greeted With the bloom of a flower
What should I do today?/ I could be productive, or give myself a much needed break/ The latter would be much needed, but I fear I would curse myself tomorrow/ So if I decided to be productive, in which way shall it be?/ I could focus my time on work, which would result in monetary gain/ Money is nice, but to be honest, a very small concern/ What if I focused more on being creative?/ I could write a song, or paint a picture/ That would satisfy my soul/ But what if the inspiration does not arrive?/ It could result in a day wasted/ Again, I would curse myself tomorrow/ Taking care of my health is always a positive choice/ I could start with some yoga, followed by a balanced breakfast/ Later on, I could suit up and catch some waves/ But what if the wind levels are high, and the swell is absent?/ I could pack my runners and be ready for a run/ But my legs are sore, and it’s beginning to rain/ Why do I constantly come up with excuses?/ The resistance always finds a way into my space/ How do I lock that door forever?/ The morning struggle never seems to leave/ My determination and drive is what varies/ Will my mind overcome the submission of my body?/ Will I conquer the internal struggle and march forward?/ It’s already 10 o’clock/ Before I know it, it will be noon/ I’ll start with a cup of coffee/ And listen to some tunes/ Soon I’ll get pep in my step/ And get going about my day/ I’ll be on a roll and look outside/ As the sunlight fades away/ Another day conquered/ Another day gone/ Tomorrow I shall wake/ To a breaking dawn/ Will resistance beat me?/ Time will tell
Everything is dark. The last thing I remember is a flashing light, and a loud BANG! I look to my left and move the fingers on my hand. I’m still alive. I think everything is okay. Luckily, the trees helped cushion the impact and slowed our speed before plummeting into the surface. Our crew is 6. I look around and everyone is accounted for in their hyper sleep chambers. Vitals appear to be normal and no one has been disturbed from their sleep. I look into the mirror. Aside from a few bumps and scratches, I too appear to be fine. The equipment still works on my dash. Aside from some outer damage, the engine and fuel lines appear to be stable. I pull up the information from sensors placed outside measuring the quality of the outside air. All the readings indicate that this is an exact duplicate of planet Earth. Which means, we shouldn’t require any kind of “space gear” to properly breath and function. Incredible. Within 15 minutes our ship is surrounded by the creatures of this planet. They look exactly like us… are they human? I suppose we will need to make contact and know for sure. As I descend upon our aircraft, the onlookers start to murmur. Clearly there is confusion amongst their kind. Probably like us, they were expecting to see something alien. Maybe some small grey figure with a giant heads and black eyes? As I approach the ground, someone who looks to be in charge walks towards me and extends a welcoming hand. “Gooo Gooo, gah gah” the full grown man says in a baby like voice, and begins trying to put my fingers towards his mouth. “What the fuck?!?” I scream out in utter confusion. “Leroy! No! The guests are not food” belts a much more adult voice. I look around to see where the voice is coming from. “Down Here!” As my eyes wander towards my feet, I notice a baby, just barely old enough to walk. I look in confusion. He opens his mouth. “Did you not hear me? I could have sworn you just yelled something in English, so clearly you must understand a bit of what I’m saying, no?” I blink several times. Clearly my eyes and/or ears must be playing tricks on me. I begin to speak. “I’m sorry, I must be a little dazed from the crash. I could have sworn that man over there sounded like a baby and attempted to put my fingers in his mouth… and you a baby of maybe 2 years old, is speaking to me as if you’re a 60 year old man.” “60?? I’m offended. I’ll have you know that I recently celebrated my 56th Birthday and am feeling as spry as ever… except for maybe my balance… my legs aren’t what they used to be. And maybe my vantage point has decreased significantly in the last 5 years… but my mind is sharp. But you wouldn’t know anything about that. You’re just a child. old enough to be my grandson. Let me guess, 7 or 8? Where’s the adult from your ship, clearly you can’t be in charge”.
Suddenly I realized a major difference between our worlds. It would appear that the aging process was the complete opposite to Earth, which made me think: how the hell does the birthing process take place? My mind starts to wander and I become overwhelmed in thought in front of this strange old man baby.
I looked down.
“Well son, how old are you? Where are your parents?”
“Wha…..!?”
I puke uncontrollably and begin to lose consciousness as I tumble towards the ground.
“What the actual fuck?!?!?” says the old man baby.
Everything goes black.
Mommy says I can’t have a cookie before dinner But I want it Mommy doesn’t let me play video games until I’ve finished my homework But I want it I remember when I was younger, the rules seem to be non existent Now, there’s a never ending list of things I CAN’T DO All I want is to do what I please Maybe I’ll run away and join the circus Or at least that’s what Mommy says when she’s upset I don’t even know if I’ve ever been to the circus What would my job be? I’m terrified of clowns And I’m afraid of large animals I’ve never been one to juggle But I do love games Perhaps I would be the game master And the bearer of prizes I would make everyone a winner Even if you didn’t win the stuffed animal I would give the players something Perhaps a cookie Now I’m hungry again Mommy says I can’t have a cookie before dinner But I’m doing it anyways.
August 23rd, 2021. 7:45am PST
Dear Mum, I just wanted to let you know that I have acquired the apartment I was telling you about during our last conversation! It’s right near the water, and a short walk from town. I think you would love it!… except for maybe the stairs. But the high ceilings, and several windows, make for a nice, cozy home. I’ve already hung a few pictures and set up my record player. Last night I listened to some Blue Rodeo in honor of you! I think I’m going to pack up and go out for my daily surf at a place called “Long Beach”. It’s a magical place that I know you would absolutely love. I will also be sure to send you pictures of that as well. Anyways, I will try and call later this week when I get a chance. Signal is a little spotty over here on the coast.
Love, Pete
August 27th, 2023. 11:45am EST
Hey Son, It’s great to hear that you have settled in nicely at your new home. Hopefully you have managed to make some friends out there, and have managed to find some work too. The pictures you sent were incredible! Your place is a complete reflection of you, and Long Beach looks like something out of a movie. I can see why you chose to live there. Is that where you called me from after your surf on Monday?
On another note, I was admitted to the hospital yesterday, as my lungs are still not receiving the right amount of oxygen. I fear that the COPD I was diagnosed with years ago is getting worse, and I don’t know how much time I will be left with. I don’t want to cause disruption in your new life, but if you are able to come home, it would be nice to see you and hear your voice.
Let me know what you decide. Ray and I will gladly pay for your plane ticket home
Love, Mum
August 27th, 2023. 5:48pm PST
Hey Mum, Never mind about my place or the routine I’ve got going on here. I will do everything in my power to get back home to you as soon as I can. I just informed my work that I will be taking off the next week, and they are totally understanding. Although, I would still come regardless… even if that means having to find a new job when I return. Seeing you is my first and only priority. I appreciate the offer from you and Ray, but I’ve got some flight credits left over from last year, so I will just use some of that to cover the cost of the flight. Looks like I can potentially get on a flight on Monday, so I will go ahead and book that. Stay strong this weekend, and I will see you soon.
Love, Pete
August 29th, 2023. 4:52am PST
Hey Mum, I know it’s still early (before 6am) but I couldn’t sleep much last night after booking the flight and thinking how long this weekend will be. So I ended up calling Air Canada at 4:30 this morning, and bumping my flight to leave sooner. I briefly explained the situation, and the lady was kind enough to place me on a flight that will be leaving this afternoon… so It’s possible I could see you tonight. I’ve still got a bit of coordinating to do with a rental car, but I’m actually catching the bus at 9am to get to the airport soon. I will let you know when I’m about to board the plane.
Love, Pete
August 29th, 2023. 11:36am EST
Hey Pete, I just wanted to let you know that early this morning your mother was admitted to the local Hospice. Her condition has worsened, and we fear there isn’t much time. I have ensured she is comfortable and taken care of. I’m not sure if you are able to get a flight back sooner, but I will cover the cost if you need any help with that.
Love, Ray
August 29, 2023. 9:57am PST
Ray, I am actually at the airport as we speak. I had a weird feeling last night, and decided to change my flight to leave this afternoon. So I am just waiting for them to start boarding the plane. It’s scheduled to take off around 11:30 and I should be landed in Toronto around 7pm. I have a rental car that I will pick up as soon as I land, and I will be on route to you guys as soon as I can. Please tell my mom that I love her, and that I will see her soon. Thank you for all your help!
Love, Pete
August 29, 2021. 6:27pm EST
Peter, This afternoon at 3:34pm, your mother passed away in her sleep. She was at peace and comfortable. She knew that her boys loved her and wanted to get home to be with her. But she couldn’t be in pain any longer. It’s hard to believe she is gone. I loved your mother so much, and it will be hard to imagine a world without her smile and laughter. I know this will be difficult to process, so please give me a call when you receive this message. I’m currently at the Hospice with your Aunt Janet. We are going through the paperwork shortly, so everything will be sorted out when you get here. I will explain the next steps when I see you. Please remain strong, and know that I love both you and your brother.
Love, Ray
August 29, 2023. 7:20am PST
Dear Mum, It’s been almost two years since you left. It’s an odd thing to process, and at times I often wonder what things would be like if you were still here. I miss you like crazy, and wish you could be here to provide your guidance and blunt honesty that I sometimes hated growing up. By as I’ve gotten older, I have learned to value that opinion… it was often the voice of reason, and allowed me the chance to see another perspective. Now, I have to go with my gut, and think outside of my normal train of thinking… without you here, I am forced to take my time with decisions and really absorb the options. But it still doesn’t fill the void you left behind. I miss calling you during my commutes and catching up on life. I feel at this time in particular, I’ve got some pretty big decisions to make in life, and I find it difficult with assistance of you and Ray. It’s crazy to think that you are both gone. Ray obviously was heartbroken and couldn’t bear to be without you… I guess that’s why he left us just a few days after what would have been your 70th Birthday. I’m not religious, but I do hope that whatever happens after death, it’s the same for everyone. In that case, I imagine you two are together walking endless beaches with beautiful sunsets, hand in hand. I thought you should know that I have met someone who I think is quite special. But I have been very hesitant on putting any kind of label on it. Normally she would have to pass the mother test, but instead, I have relied on the opinions of the friends I have made here on the West Coast. She’s a hard worker, who also came from Ontario seeking a more nature focused life… so she has that similar desire inside as me. She’s quite creative when it comes to painting and drawing… she’s got a green thumb and enjoys things like gardening and herbal medications… and she comes out surfing with me as often as she can. I’ve decided that I don’t want to live together yet, because I think it’s important to have our own spaces for the time being… but I DID buy a trailer last week that I plan on taking down the coast this winter! And I think she will accompany me on this journey. That will be a great test to see how our lives can blend together. I don’t know what will come of it, but I m excited. I think you would be too. I know you would like her, so that makes me happy. I wish you were here, but I understand that it would mean suffering and pain. So I’ve come to terms with that and tried to remain strong during the tough moments in life. I wish I could have been there for your final moments, but I know that Ray’s presence ensured that you were not alone. I’m grateful for all the time we shared together growing up, and even as an adult. You were not only my mother, you were one of my best friends, and I will always love you and hold you in my thoughts. On my upcoming west coast trip, I will do my best to take photos and document the process because I know you always enjoyed reading/seeing those types of things. So I will use that as my motivator to make the most of it, and truly absorb the experience.
Until we meet again, With endless and unconditional love, Your son, Pete.
A beautiful, summer night. The sun is drawing towards the earth, creating an orange glow with specs of purple that casts it’s colour across the trees. The air is still warm, but a slight chill is enough to have wonder whether or not an additional layer could be worn. The sound of waves colliding with the sandy shore creates a natural metronome, a pace controlled by that of Mother Nature. Birds are the ones who contribute their beautiful melodies to this perfect sunset. I final salute towards the Sun, as the Moon begins to creep into the sky.
But on this particular night, no amount of serenity could protect the trees from the current act taking place. His name is Ryan, and he is the worst kind of human there is. In his lifted, black Dodge Ram, he races into the beach parking lot, screeching to a halt where he has stopped and occupied 3 parking spots at once. He climbs out of his vehicle, with Five Finger Death Punch still roaring through his truck’s stereo. He steps down, sporting his faded, bell bottom jeans, his Black Affliction shirt (complete with the shiny logo), his favourite Bass Pro Camo Hat, and his signature Pit Vipers. Empty Lucky Lager cans follow and clink on the pavement. Three to be exact. The fourth is currently half empty, gripped tightly in his left hand, and the two remaining dangle on the plastic rings dangling from that same hand. Ryan quickly goes to the back of his truck and opens the tailgate. He quickly extracts a jerry can that is still about half full, and makes his way towards the beach. He’s drunk, and like he typically tends to do, thinks that the world is his playground, and will go along with whatever plan he decides. This time, he wants to have a fire. It’s been a dry 2 months, and he’s tired of hearing about how the fire ban has been extended yet again. He moved here to have the freedom to have fires whenever he wants, and this time, he won’t let any park ranger tell him otherwise. Aside from a few straggling tourists, the beach is empty. Of course it is. It’s September and the summer has faded away. Perfect. As he descends down the dunes, he notices a handful of crows gathered along the shore, eating whatever creatures will fill their bellies. Ryan grabs a rock nearby and launches it in their vicinity. The crows sense this act of aggression and quickly disperse. With the final chug of his current beer, Ryan lets out an enormous belch that fills the air. The can is then crushed and tossed on the ground to soon be forgotten and covered with sand. It will be found in two weeks by a father and daughter testing out a newly purchased metal detector. A false find and the disappoint of a young, aspiring treasure hunter. Ryan removes another beer from the plastic ring and cracks it open. Foam rushes out the top and trickles down the side and onto the sand. It gets absorbed into the earth as it is mistaken for water. Another unfortunate event. Ryan scans the beach and settles on a section close to the tree line. Without hesitation, he removes the cover on his jerry can and begins dousing the old driftwood with the remaining gasoline. In less than a minute, the entire area is covered and glistening, with a pungent smell that causes every living creature close by to scurry. Ryan chugs half of his his current beer and then steps back. He reaches into his pocket and removes a lighter and half a cigarette. Placed in his mouth, he lights the cigarette and draws in the nicotine. He holds his breath, and then slowly exhales smoke from his nose. He looks down at the logs and feels nothing but rage. Much like the world, he wants to see it burn. And with that, he tosses his lit cigarette towards the pile of driftwood.
A tragic, summer night. The Sun has retreated below the skyline in disappoint, as a burst of orange takes over darkness and quickly spreads to the nearby, dried out trees. No longer cool, the air is scorching hot, consuming the surrounding oxygen, and filling the sky with smoke that is lost in the night sky, but can still be seen. The sound of waves colliding with the sandy shore have been silenced by the raging fire that has consumed the entire area of driftwood and soon to be dead trees. The crackling sounds of the fire are really made by the trees as they make their final cry for help before collapsing towards the earth. Mother Nature has been hurt. The birds panic as they realize their home is being destroyed. Not sure what to do, they watch from a distance as more trees go up in flames. The Moon hangs low, as it senses defeat. Unsure of what will come, but certain The Sun will return to a much different, and tragic place.
Ryan finishes his beer and tosses the empty can and plastic ring into the ocean. He walks back to his truck and drives home. Soon he will be passed out, drunk. Tomorrow he will awake and read on the news of another wildfire taking place. He will curse the hippies for trying to save the Earth, and make fun of anyone who thinks that Global Warming is real. For in this situation, he will know deep down the cause. But what he will fail to realize is that he is the biggest cause of this problem. Igniting the flame and defeating the Earth when it is most vulnerable. He is the problem, yet will take none of the blame. Another menace to society.
I noticed them crying while I was on my walk… something that I don’t even do often, yet in my own mind, wish I did on the daily. As I start to approach, I realize, this too is something I would not do on the regular. Ask a stranger what is the matter? How do I even begin to ask the question? What will come of this conversation? Will I need to care for them, become their friend, gain their trust? Do I even care about any of those things? Suddenly a feeling of anxiety rushes over me and I feel paralyzed. My throat closes up and my eyes begin to water. As I get within a few feet of this sitting, crying human, my standing figure casts a shadow. I suddenly start to shiver as the warmth of the sun vanishes. The person crying looks up, and it is me. I am the one crying under the willow tree. Desperate for human connection. Desperate for a feeling. I stare up to the silhouette of someone asking if “I’m okay”. I try to open my eyes and make clarity through the fog, but it’s hard to focus. I fumble with my thoughts for a moment… not sure what to reveal. All I can say, like many of us do is “I’m fine, thanks”… “how are you?”.
My morning routine always brings me here I need to get an americano to get me focused As I stand in line, the lady in front of me starts yelling Was she here the whole time? Or did I simply not notice the stench of alcohol until now She seems confused, lost, desperate She looks around the coffee shop, and eventually her gaze meets mine I know this woman But not like this Someone from my past A lover in fact The very first It was together that we discovered our bodies and the importance of intimacy Sneaking out of our homes to be with one another Cheering each other on at sporting events And staying up countless nights talking on the phone The first person I might have truly loved We even made a pact That if by Thirty, we’re still single, we must get married Thirty has come and gone I’m still single I recognize her eyes, but the scars on her face tell a different tale Those eyes, captivating as always But they now bear a pain that came after me Twenty years can do a lot For better, for worse I stop the music playing in my ears I begin to open my mouth and acknowledge our history But she beats me to it “Excuse me sir, do you have any change?” I’m caught off guard I fumble for my wallet and extract a few bucks Her eyes immediately break mine and fixate on the money “Thanks.” She snatches the money from my hand and walks towards the exit Out the door Back on the streets Twenty years can do a lot For better, for worse