When all goes to shit When everything’s alright Through thick and thin Back me up in a fight All it took was a boy To tear that apart Generation by generation My grandma and my mom Girl against girl is how we lose, don’t you see? My trauma, baby, was from my dad and a boy Why did you add to it too? Why not find someone new? Who’s deserving of what you did to us? Who’s left to trust?
This generation My generation The future We hide behind glowing screens and words with no meaning Our so called “truth” filtered and edited until we are unrecognizable to ourselves Why do I like this version of myself better? I’m more confident I’m beautiful I’m handsome I’m kind
People tell me to die, accuse me of cheating, getting abortions, doing drugs Online. In a post. Two or three. Now a whole page dedicated to me, The worst parts of my life Laid out for the world to see Not all of it’s true But that doesn’t matter That I’m a human being, a member of our race
It’s easier to tell someone the “truth” when you can’t see their face.
I see the world in shades of gray But even I’m a hypocrite I hate you for taking him from me, I say But wait- Why do I blame you? Why not blame him? He who took me for granted and threw me away? You with the trauma, dead parents and all Blame the girl always, and the man gets off You fell for his charm, you wanted to be loved I don’t blame you anymore I was you, growing up Heal first, baby girl Love will come later And never fall for a liar or a hater You’re worth much more, don’t settle for less I’ll find someone better and you will too Trust me, love as I trusted you.
I was born on March 29th My head full of hair and my eyes open wide You saw me first, you proudly say So why, oh why do you treat me this way?
I learn to write and paint with pride My teacher says that I have learned to thrive You say it’s a waste to send me to school Mama says no and pays all the dues
You love my writings, you love my laugh You and I click in a way that others couldn’t have I miss you, Papa and I miss our talks The ones where you made me feel I could be okay
But then I turned 12, and everything changed I was a woman, and beauty remained You couldn’t appreciate it just from afar You took my innocence and left me to rot
I see other girls go to dances with their dads And wonder, what I did to deserve that? You killed, you loved, you laughed, and you lost You served your country, and it came with a cost
I told my side and testified I sat there and watched you with tears in my eyes You sat there and made your highest offer You’ll pay for my college, and stop talking to your daughter But please tell me, at what point, does a man become a monster?
A dichotomy is often seen With two meanings stuck in between Love and hatred is one of these Long long lost friends turned enemies
Opposites they say we are, but truly we have come so far_ _Repaired the wounds of our past And come together to make it last
Love is seen as warmth and peace Riddled with drama on a screen But true love often goes unseen Making those who want it scream
Hatred is seen as turmoil and revenge A son seeking to avenge But true hatred often is found in menge A crowd of encrusted feelings needing to cleanse
How easy it is, to turn from one to the other Oftentimes, enemies to lovers But see here our intricacies For love and hatred are cycle made by me
Hello, my name is identity.
Do you think the sun gets lonely up there? As far as the eye can see? So selfless, shining their light without a single plea Their only counterparts the subjects they serve, bowed on one knee
Poor them, it must be hard to make a friend Knowing that with every ray A planet sees them as their end Or room service on a tray.
_I am _made entirely of flaws, stitched together by good intentions
Yet I am absolutely oblivious of your obvious tension
My expressions are painted over with a coat of indifference
But I promise, I am listening and pray for your deliverance
My love is expressed a day late and a dollar short
And even then, I’m blasted with a nasty retort
My advice is given, yet riddled with heartfelt hypocrisy
For how can someone else achieve, what I myself have yet to see?
The cold wind drives knives into my body as I wrap my cardigan tighter around me, the sun seeming banished behind the onset of nimbus clouds. The patterned bark on the trees and the water surrounding the clearing took on a razor-sharp quality, as though setting the scene for our meeting. It seems fitting that a place once filled with our joy, becomes transformed into a melancholy scene.
Our spot was one of tranquility, one where I felt the safest. A refuge of warmth where your arms wrapped around me, and gazing into your soulful eyes was a refuge from my own warring thoughts.
Your entire existence caused my breath to catch, for someone as beautiful as you could stop time. The feelings I buried here flood in with an intensity it hadn’t in when I was alone, bubbling to the surface like boiled water, spilling over onto my calm consciencness. Sometimes I wonder if I can control them at all.
The crunch of leaves brings me back to reality, the one where you and I meet for the first time since September. You’re wearing the outfit from our first date, causing a pang in my heart. The pink button up shirt paired with matching shorts evokes a sense of familiarity, both warming and alien.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” I squeak, my confidence shattering with his soft, sweet voice. God, those beautiful green eyes and chocolate shaving curls.
“Please give me the chance to explain-“ He begins, but my vindication swoops in to save me.
“You don’t get that privilege.” I state with clarity, my voice shaking with emotion. He has the audacity to come here and expect for me to listen to his bullshit?
“Ella, you asked me here to-“ He says exasperatedly.
“ I’m the one who asked you here, so don’t even try.” I say, raising my voice but it betrays me by cracking a little at the end.
His eyes begin to water, but he looks at his shoes in acceptance. Focus.
“Why don’t we begin with the facts, Alex?” I whisper, feeling my chest tighten.
“You cheated on me after I tried to kill myself. While I was in the hospital, counting the days until I could go back to you and apologize for trying to leave you here, you cheated on me with someone I trusted. My friend. Someone I comforted, sat with for hours in order to make her feel better about herself and her abilities.”
I take a breath, steadying myself to look into his soul.
“Look at me, Alex.” I whisper.
His shoulders shake as I see a tear roll down his face, and my chest pinches violently.
“Look at me!” I scream, tears beginning to roll down my face. I sniff furiously, fighting the waves of tears determined to stream down.
He sniffs, and tilts his head up.
_Our eyes lock, and I am taken back to the party we met. The first I was ever invited to. I remember how excited I was, so happy. Hopeful. _
Finally, I ask.
“Why?” I sob, my composure crumbling.
He shifts his feet while I sit on the ground, brushing the damp grass with my fingertips in an attempt to bring myself out of my downward spiral. He runs his fingers through his hair, mussing up his curls a little so that just one sticks up. My first instinct is to reach up and tuck it back, but I can’t. I ball up my hands in defiance.
_The day I met his mom, her telling me that he is so lucky to have me. I fluff his hair and laugh, saying he knows how lucky he got. _
I look up, my eyes shining with a demand for an answer.
“I felt like you left me. I felt like you abandoned me when I was struggling the most, when I needed you. You promised me I’d see you on Monday, but instead you chose to die. You didn’t choose us.“ He says sternly, his voice hitching in the middle. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, and I sense his justifications are all he sees.
“You couldn’t wait just 7 days for me? I would’ve been there for you, but I needed to be there for myself first! I broke a promise, but don’t you think I felt that too? The devastating realization that I broke us? We have been together a year, Alex. I am worth 7 days.” I put my hands on my face, and taste the salt of my own tears.
I slowly stand, and open my eyes to his hardened gaze. He runs his fingers through his hair as I study his face, but I see nothing but a reserved expression. I can’t open his eyes to the world. My world.
“I love you, Alexander.” I say as a final tear squeezes out of my eye, blurring the view of my surroundings, greys and blue streaking with my tears.
“I love you too, Ella.” He whispers hoarsely.
I stand to face him, and place my hand softly on his chest. He leans in, and we stand forehead to forehead. As the leaves rustle around us in the wind, our love is laid to rest.
He twirls one of my short face framing curls, and we look into our now separate universes.
“Thank you for teaching me what love means.”
I step back and walk onto the opposite path. I walk away from him, and our dead future.
We both made promises that we couldn’t keep We both created our own defeat We loved and lost ourselves and each other We laughed and _cried _and _took comfort _in another
And even though our future is dead I can rest easy and forgive and forget Knowing that our future has guided and led To no place I’d rather be instead.