I rest my hand on hers, “you’re cold my love.” I look out along the horizon. It’s quiet, except from the sound of the waves slowly lapping against the cliffs. The grass along the banks sways in the light breeze, dandelion wishes dance through them, the green swirls and whirls. The gods lower their fiery torch into the sea, slowly extinguishing the light. Oranges, reds, yellows are painted across the sky, mixing as clouds stir slightly over head. “Red sky at night,” I smile, “shepards delight.” I laugh slightly, “I guess it’s a good day to be alive.” I feel the earth beneath me, it’s hard, sturdy, like the side board of a coffin. I grip the edge of the cliff still holding her hand. I look to my right and run my hand over the earth a flower pushing through as I shift the dirt. “A chrysanthemum” I smile looking down at it. I pull it from the earth and hold it in my hand then glance back towards the horizon. I just missed it. “Oh well, the sun will rise and set tomorrow.” A light breeze ran through my hair and up my spine. I place the flower in her hand then push my self up, pressing the palms of my hand into the hard cliff side. I look back to ‘her’ before I leave. The hand rests on the ground holding the flower. Cold and blue.
Her feet fall silently on the floor as she skips and struts along the upper street. The thick sole of her shoe reflects how her soul is deep and expanded, not shallow. She’s sweet and rounded, you can tell that her smile would be bright like the shine of her patent leather shoes. The red reflective material brings out the rosiness of her cheeks and the redness of her cherry lips. You can tell by the way she walks in those shoes that she has power, she has confidence. Sometimes she shuffles and digs her heels in the floor. That’s when you can tell that she holds back. Sometimes she buckles under the pressure and undoes the fastenings on the sides of her shoes. Sometimes she takes off her shoes, but even then you still see who she is. Mary Jane.
I see the cemetery out my window. The window frosts up and the mist creeps between the graves. I feel faded, foggy. Damp. My hand cuts through objects, my mind shifts through images of last night.
Stop. Please stop. Can you hear me? Is it in my head?
My ears ring, the soulless sound. I feel the way I move in and out. My vision elongates and statics. Stretching and warping.
It creeps up my body runs It’s fingers along my skin. I miss the way things used to feel real in my hands. I feel nothing. Numbness I’m fond of.
I see the cemetery out my window. I’ll join them soon.
I’m not a fan of October. I don’t like the orange leaves, the first crunch, the spooky season, the pumpkin spice lattes, the cold chill in the air. That was until I meat Autumn. She changed everything.
I saw her in a coffee shop, she had a sweet smile and cinnamon swirl eyes. She was sitting at a table with a book. Every once in a while she’d glance up and look at me, and I’d find myself wracking my brain for every reason not to go over there. But I did. When she smiled and said “hi” I felt something warm in my heart. I sat down and we talked. I gave her my number. She called. We talked nearly every day, we went out on what I presumed were dates. She held my hand, she laughed with me, took photos with me, she looked after me when I was sick.
“That’s just what friends do”
Soon October was leaving and November was coming and I tried my best to grip onto Autumn for as long as I could, but all the leaves stopped crunching, and all the pumpkins grew mould.
I loved Autumn, but I hated the fall, she said goodbye. I turned my back.
“Farewell, my almost lover.”
Is this what it feels like to drown? Like slowly succumbing to the elements, Am I meant to struggle more, should I wave my hands and attempt to to signal to someone ‘Hey! I’m here’ or should I just let her take me. I close my eyes and listen to my heart As the water fills my ears. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Was I ever really trying to swim? Was I merely trying to keep my head above water For as long as I could? The danger comes when you aren’t sure why you are trying to swim anymore, When you know you can’t. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Is this what it feels like to drown? Am I meant to keep trying to keep my head above water, I’ve been struggling so long, what for? Will she give me peace? Thump. Thump. Thump.
It’s quiet. The final fading slow beats of my heart feel louder. Thump. Thump.
“I wish you would stop acting like this for once. Please, you were so kind and loving. I wish you were still like that, before all this, before everything. I wish…”
“I WISH YOU DIDN‘T EXIST” The words hit him like I didn’t expect them to. Ricotcheting off his body and bouncing back to me as I realised the weight of what I just said. His body slowly started fading out, the hole getting larger like burnt paper, he clutched bellow his ribs, feeling the space of ceasing existence.
“I… I didn’t… I take it back” I whisper softly looking up to him, tiny flecks of him floating up into the atmosphere. I stare at him, ‘why, oh why did I say that. He’s fading fast, how, oh how do I take it back’. “Please I take it back!” I yell up hoping for some omnipresent being I don’t believe in to come down and make it stop. Make him come back.
“Laura” I hear him call quietly, his hand still resting on, well, nothing. “It doesn’t work like that…” I know it doesn’t, I’ve always known that, I’ve always been careful. “You always take.” His words are riveting, I’d always deny that when he said it, but how can I now, when my words are physically flaking off piece of him.
We stand in silence, waiting, for what I’m not quite sure. For a better time to say goodbye, closer to the end, or maybe we won’t say goodbye at all and I’ll be the last thing he sees before his existence is removed for this plane, unfortunate. It takes a while before all that remains is his heart and his face. He utters final words.
“I said I would give everything for you. I meant it figuratively. You took it as permission to chip away at me, and I let you. I shouldn’t have.”
His eyes fade and his mouth all that’s left is his heart. Beating. Beating. The most beautiful part of him. Maybe I should have realised that. Finally that fades too. I no longer see him when I look up, all I see is stardust.
Forever I feel lost, For as long as the world spins I will have no place. For such a time, waiting would feel like decades, For there is no place in this world for me.
Forever I feel like an unfinished puzzle, Forgotten as there is no point, For finding the missing piece is too time consuming. Forgetting is easier.
Forever I feel broken, Fragile and cracked beyond repair, For glue is not enough to fix what he broke. Forgiving would be easier.
Forever I feel trapped, Fortitude carries me forward but solitude drags me back down, For now, I am stuck in an endless cycle. Freedom means no such thing to me.
Forever I feel lost. Fragments of my self drifting through time, For feeling contempt is no option. Forever, I feel lost.
As I stand facing the ground bellow, my vision blurry with tears welling in my eyes. As I stand there trying to calm my breath and basking in the light summer breeze, as the sun begins to descend. I stand and I look upward. As I see the stars slowly start to sprinkle into the rapidly quick darkening sky, and I talk to you. “If you were still here, would it all be different.” I bite my lip holding back more tears. “If I could hold your hand and you could tell me ‘it’ll be okay’ would it all be different.” I pause, and stare back down at the floor bellow me, the drop was beginning to seem a lot more ‘real’ the more I looked down as if I was staring into the dark abyss. I began to look back up slowly, the stars now dancing around the night sky. “Why did you leave me? Why did you go!?” I screamed up into the sky and the stars seemed to stand still, and the wind froze in shock. The noise seemed to disappear for a moment. Then all at once resumed. “You have abandoned me, you have left me with this hurt to burden alone. Every waking day the exact same, reliving this awful nightmare you have left me in. Alone.” I look back down, the drop not seeming as frightening as before. Then quickly dart my head back up to face the sky. “Well, I won’t be alone much longer, I will be with you shortly. We will not be apart anymore, finally together and free, dancing with the stars, along the rings of saturn, around the milkyway, and sometimes… maybe, we can look back down on earth and think about how we are no longer bound by this mortal realm. I’ll be with you again…” I face the floor once more. Pondering on the words I just spoke, would that really be better…? It would. I stare back up and as if making a promise I yell, “We will be together. I will not walk this earth without you…” Then look back down for the last time, and take a step.
The silence was uncomfortable before, but it isn’t anymore. No more do I feel like a burst dam every time we lock eyes, although sometimes I do. Now we can withstand silences and I no longer see something so out of reach.
Although you shattered me, I now look into your eyes and smile slightly. I smile slightly at what was. What was is a wonderful thing.
Although the pain was immense and made it hard for me to breath. Although that darkness still lurks within me, it’s quieter now.
Now that uncomfortable silence is slightly more comfortable. I can say more openly, that loving you, was the most exquisite form of self distruction.
If I count the ways I love you, I‘d have to have my descendents continue counting. As I would not live long enough to count every single way I do.
If I could tell you the ways I love you, I would have. Every single day, I would have talked your ear off, listing endless ways you make me feel like you are the one.
You could call it crazy, but I call it love, the deep kind of love, the true kind of love, love that would go unmatched by anyone. The kind of love where you would give anything for that person to be happy, even if you destroy yourself by doing so.
If I destroy myself for you. Would it make you happy?
